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Kane Nobuhiro
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Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Thursday, September 9, 2010 @ 5:37 AM | back to the top.
what could have been.
Its the 9th of September. If we were still together, we would be happily celebrating our 4th month together now. Whatever it is, I’ll still wish you. I’ll still wish us. Call me thick-skinned, call me tak tahu malu or whatever you want to. But happy 4th, to us. I do sincerely hope you remember all those happy times we shared together, And im looking forward to more of it with you. I love you. posted on Thursday, September 2, 2010 @ 10:00 PM | back to the top.
Another twist.
The title explains it all. Today, finally after for so long, I managed to get her to call. I wanted to settle everything once and for all. I myself was not even sure whether we were still together or not. But today I had the answer. So, as you guys should probably know by now, she has decided to call it quits. She said that she has decided there and then that day, that she has grown tired of all the fights and she never want to go through that, ever again. After much pleading to save our already-broken relationship, I still could not make her change her mind. But that was not actually what shocked me. It is the WAY she gave me the answers; the way she talked back to me that surprised me. I do not know how to put it into words, it’s like, here I am trying to work something out, giving her all sorts of promises and begging her to give me another chance, but yet she was adamant on breaking up. It even went to the point that I pinched myself to check whether everything was just a dream, a nightmare. It feels like it wasn’t the girl that I fall in love with that I was on the phone with. She really seemed to change overnight. Her words were definitely painful, and I can still feel my heart breaking into pieces whenever I think about it now. I can go on and on and write every single thing that she has said to me; to show you people how hurtful it sounded. But whatever for? I’ll just be giving a bad impression of her, which is not my purpose in writing all of this down. Come and ask me personally if you really want to know the whole story. No doubt, all this past incidents that led to the break up is not solely her fault, because, it takes two hands to clap. I’m aware that it is my fault too, so that is why I feel, by sharing it with someone, he/she will be able to point out my mistakes. I’ll be more than happy to hear where I go wrong. The moment I reached home, I went on to delete her, from facebook, the photos and all, just so I can forget every single memory that I had of her. I felt that it was of no use for me to love someone, to cry for that someone, when she has told me she no longer loved me like before. Imagine just how painful it is to delete her from my msn contacts. Imagine how painful it is to delete her from facebook, just so that I will stop viewing her profile. Looking at every single pictures of her and me, before deleting them one by one. Deleting her contact numbers, because I felt it was pointless for me to keep since neither of us is going to call the number any longer. even privatising my own blog here hurts me much. Please try to understand how I’m feeling now. But .. Just as I was doing all of that, guess what. She called me. She called to ask why I deleted her off from facebook. And then we talked about it. She even gave me an email saying how she still needed me in her life and such. At this point of time, I was really, really confused. Just hours before, she said she wanted to end everything, and now she’s saying a totally different thing altogether? If you’re surprised yourself, then I guess u should more or less probably understand the hell that I was going through. Just as I was about to forget everything about her, she gave me that bit of hope, that everything is not lost yet. She wants to remain single for now, at least for the moment. She wants to concentrate solely on her Os. She even says everything will be back to normal, for us after that. That is the part that I just don’t understand. By then I was already too tired to think. I told her; I would agree to anything that she wants. Anything. All I ask from her is that we’d still be together, at the end of the day. I didn’t want to complicate things any further. I don’t want her to think too much about this, when her Os is round the corner. So, I guess that’s how my life story has been, the twist and turns, the ups and downs, everything. The only thing I can do right now is to wait. I shall leave everything up to The One Above. Kalau jadi, jadilah, kalau tak, aku redha. Tu sahje. To everyone, First of all, I thank everyone that has been there for me, the advices that you people gave, and the never ending support. But please, I beg you; please do not have these bad impressions of her or anything like that. Like I have always said, whatever that has been written down, it’s all just one side of the story, and that I realised I too have my fair share of blames. But whatever it is, I sincerely hope no one thinks badly of her. She is a nice girl, I can swear to it. In any way, I appreciate your time if you really took the time to read all my freaking long, emoshit or whatever you called it, posts. It’s just an outlet to let it all out. That’s all. Thank you, friends. To you, I will un-privatise my blog soon. By then, I really hope we’re already okay, just like how we started off together. I know you will read all of these posts one day. But for now, I want to apologise to you, for bearing it all. Sumpah, syai takde niat nak buruk2kan awak. Macam syai kate, this is just a way for me to let everything out. Please understand, I still love you after all that has happened, I’ll wait for you if that is what you really want. All I ask from you is to hold on to the promises you made to me. That is the only thing right now that’s pushing me until the day we’ll be together again. I’m sorry if I hurt you when you knew I deleted our pictures in my facebook. There is a folder in my laptop that has all our pictures in it, but I didn’t delete that away. I’m sorry if I did hurt you when I deleted u from facebook. I can add up again, anytime. In anyway, I still have not changed my password for my account, so you’ll have complete access to it. I’m sorry if it hurts you when I say I deleted your contact numbers. I managed to write down your phone and home number on a piece of paper and I had it placed in my wallet, just in case, even before I pressed that ‘delete’ button on my phone. And I’m sorry too; if it hurts when say I deleted u off from my msn contacts, I’m sorry because I lied. I didn’t delete you off, I just blocked you. Shida, please realise, that’s just how much you have made me fall in love with you. Good day everyone. May you be in the best of health. Amin. posted on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 @ 1:44 PM | back to the top.
who am i?
I do not know why, but I feel somewhat upset whenever I look at your facebook profile. I really did not expect that coming from you, saying that you wanted to reactivate your Facebook account back. Giving me all sorts of reasons. But you never realised this; It was because of that facebook incident the other day that almost caused us to separate.The other day, you were willing to delete your facebook account, because you could not afford to let go of our relationship. you valued US much more than other stuffs, so ive gotta say I was really happy and was quite assured that you really mean it this time. Who would be willing to delete his/her own Fb account just because of a relationship, you tell me? So in a way, i knew she deserved a second chance to gain my trust back. She even declined to do up another Fb account, even when I told her to; she insisted on having a shared account. I was slowly gaining my trust on her. But fast forward to today, things changed. She wanted her own Facebook account back, citing reasons like she needs her 'own personal space'. For every reasons she gave me, I rebutted her back with solutions to it, I even went on to say she could use the existinng Fb account all to herself, just so that she would not reactivate her old one. But she was adamant on having her own FB account. She even went on to say that she deleted her Fb the last time round was to 'fucking jage hati you, thats why'. Wow. Look here. I am not writing all this down, to shoot the girl that I love. Never has it been that way. The reason to it is actually because... I need to write down how im feeling right now here on my own blog. I can go crazy if I dont do anything about it. Maybe you people thinks the way she do, " just let her be", "give her space that she craves", "Just let her do up her own Facebook account for god's sake . Yes, precisely. I feel that way, too. But you see, I cannot just find it within me to allow this to happen, not when the situation for us is vey tense now. And the thing is, I just do not want that incident to happen again. It did happen once, whose to say it will never happen, now that she has her own facebook account? If she could have gave me reasonable reasons, maybe we could have come to a solution to it. but.. After openning up to Arep, I somehow more or less has already decided. If 'personal space' is what she really wants, then that is exactly what I'm going to give her. But I just do not know what does she mean by that 'personal space' that she craves for. does it include not texting, not calling, not meeting up, or anything that has got to do with me? I don't know, seriously. All i know is, If I still mean something to her, she will find a way to look for me, but as for now, I will be away from her life. She wants to reactivate her own Facebook account back? By all means, go ahead. I will try to distract myself from all those negative thoughts that I have. To you. I am sacrificing myself for your wants and needs. I hope you're matured enough to know that this "reactivating Facebook account" thingy is not the main issue as to why Im so against it. Like how i have been advised, Let time shows everything. I dont even know what am I to you now. But I'd hoped you would see that Im swallowing my own ego, my own feelings, to apologise to you and to work things out with you. If this is really the end, be open about it. I can only wait and see whether I still mean anything to you or not. FOr the mean time, enjoy your facebook, and enjoy your freedom. LOve you. That's it for today. need to hit the books now, hopefully it'll get into my head. bye. posted on @ 12:25 AM | back to the top.
Its not the end, kan? please, i dont want it to be.
First of all, I apologise for privating my blog. I'm the kind of person who dont believe in privatising one's blog, because I feel that, blogging is the place where one write down about their daily updates, feelings, activities and whatnots. So, if you feel like writing it down, but choose not to let anyone see because you want to make it a private thingy, then it defeats the purpose of having an online journal totally. But ohwells, to each his own. Others may have a different view on this, so I shall respect that.It seems things are going much more worst than I feared. TOday, the girl I loved so much wants to call it quit. She no longer wants to continue this relationship, and to be honest I am still shell-shocked upon knowing about it. That's the main reason why I'm privatising my blog, at least for the moment. I just don't want her to read my post for her, yet I have to write something to while my time away, lest I'm gonna think about what has happened. I could write down the whole incident that has happened prior to this breakup, but it's gonna take me the whole night, but I choose not to, because of the fact that I respect her and I still love her no matter what. I'm at a lost to do anything right now. you know, the feeling of trying to do something, like texting her or calling her to salvage the situation, but yet you know now is not the right time to actually do that since both party is still not rationally ready yet? I don't know but I want to think that she did say about breaking up, in a moment of anger. Yes, i hope she does not mean everything that she has said. I am crossing my fingers now, and hope that things will be okay in the next few days. Please. Yes, I have my own fault too. I got advices from Arep, my bro and hopefully kak Farah. Thanks bro for being there, to listen to my craps and all. Aku tak tahu aper nak buat, kalau kao tak datang tady.Thank you very much. I just cannot accept that she's leaving me, because I loved her, too much in fact. To you, Please baby, Do know im tearing now as im writing this post. I'm not being mushy over here, But you already made me fall deeply in love with you. The thought of you not being with me anymore, and that you in the arm of another guy, kills me. Imagine how i'd felt when I read your latest blog post. Niat syai nak tegur you balek, nak baik2 semula, and then I read those hurtful post. But its okay. I realised, i'm no angel myself. I must have my faults too. And i want to change, but you never tell me where I go wrong in our relationship. Now, Im just waiting for the both of us to cool down, to think carefully, what's the best for the both of us. Im pretty clear for myself; the first day I decided to be with you, I told myself that I want to be with you, and only you. And that has never change. Please, I hope you dont mean whatever you have just said. but in case you have proved your point to me, that it will never work out between us, Then I guess, It will really be the end for us. Yes, of course I will be sad, but I must not be selfish towards you. Bertepok sebelah tangan pun, takda gunanya. I will be ready physicaly and mentally, when you're ready to talk to me. If it is really the end for us, then... thank you shida, for being a part of my life. At least, there was a girl who would love me unconditionally and let me be a part of her life. I thank you for showing me what love is. I thank you for letting me love somebody. I thank you for the happy times as well as the sad times with you. Thank you very much shida. =') I'll let time heal everything. Amin. posted on Saturday, August 28, 2010 @ 11:51 PM | back to the top.
me is sad
 Believe me when I say I'd do something really crazy, like hurting myself.  And I'm missing you, neneq. I need you right now. I need you to listen to all these shits thats happening to me. Mum, Dad, Everything. I'm all alone in this world. good night everybody. posted on Wednesday, August 25, 2010 @ 10:43 PM | back to the top.
my back against the wall.
 *Credits goes to the owner of the image above* Missing you badly right now, love. Need to do some reflections of myself. So many stuff that I have to do, that i have to complete. UT3 is coming up really soon, and I need to study now, rather than later. I dont even think 11 days would be enough to complete every problem for 5 different modules. And it sucks knowing that I need to put in much more effort for me to clear the 2 point average. Just the average, mind you. Sheesh. Which leaves me with GNK pratices. I'd told myself that Imma gonna use these 2 weeks of holidays to revise for my upcoming UT3, but then again I know i have to improve on my attendance for GNK. I have never thought that GNK's going to take up a lot of my time. Reflections coming up in less than 2 months time, and yet the practices are already on a 3times per week session. Just imagine when reflections are drawing nearer. I feel bad for skipping trainings, and I admit to feeling quite lost whenever I do come for trainings, knowing that I have so much to catch up on. Which then leaves me to my dikir barat practices. Yes, for now there are no trainings since Raya is coming. Kire macam taking a short break lah kan. But what happens after that? Dengar-dengar, there will be a competition somewhere in October or November. And if it is true, and provided if Cucu's be competing, I will want to fight for selection, again. And if that were to happen, I can foresee trainings for Reflections and my dikir trainings to clash. See what im trying to point out here? I just have too much commitments, and if I were to sacrifice one of them, you should probably know what my answer would be. I guess I have to talk to Shaa or Ahmud about this, if there is any solutions to it. But, if it there isnt any conclusions to it, then I will have to do something about it, like pulling out from Reflections altogether. I know it'll be a drastic solution here, but I just dont want to affect the rest, who has always been coming for trainings and whatnots. you get my point. sigh. 15 days of puasa done, and alhamdulilah belum buang pun satu hari. Proud kaper seh. hahaha. Next week, will be a busy week for me. firstly, Iftar with W25H peeps. And then Iftar with Adi, Zul and the gang. And then Iftar with budak2 secondary school. Asyik makan luar ajer, mampos aku! kocek tengah kering sia ni. Looks like I may have to forget about going to Iftar with them, but I'll see how okay. Thanks for the invitation aniway, i appreciate that. SOrry in advance! Okay lah, I guess that's all about today's post. Need to read a little bit on those stupid notes I made before I head to bed. Take care everybody, selamat berpuasa. =) posted on Sunday, August 22, 2010 @ 12:17 AM | back to the top.
a date with the princess.
And so today, I went out on a date with my princess, a simple meet up over at Tampinese. Something happened which caused me to be slighly late today, so apologies love! The birthday card i made especially for her. I apologise for the bad handwriting. Don't blame me please. If you must, blame RP and its sysem. Almost 2 years of laptop, I actually forgot how to write nicely now. hehehe.. Ohwells, i hope you like it okay!  Carebear was my gift from me to her. Seriously, I'd swear i dont have any clue what to buy for you. Ask Siti if you cont believe me! I'd get so stressed up when it comes to birthday, because I dont really know whether you would like the gift or not. Aniway, I knew you would have obviously koew that I was going to get you that gift, because I myself asked you what you thought of carebears. Slenger or whuuut right? I know, but ohwells. Hope you like it baby! And oh!! awak takmo nak letak carebear yang saye beli, dengan carebear carebear you yang lain eh, kat dalam almari. dah tak special seyy macam gitu! =_=" Well, i didnt stop at that gift only. I wanted to make something extra, something sweet for her, other than just the gift. Because I felt that, since It was my first time celebrating a birthday of someone special to me, I wanted to come up with something memorable and hopefully she will appreciate my efforts. So, tada! with the help of my good friend siti, she gave me the idea of doing paperhearts as a gift. So, I made 105 paperhearts, put them in a pink glass bottle, and gave it to her. Mind you, penat seh buat paperheart tu okay. But i'm not complaining though. hehehe! why 105 you might ask? because its been 105 days ever since 090510, the day we got together; 105 days i have been in love with her, and counting. :)  Baby insisted on taking a picture with the carebear, and I was not allowed to touch it. pfft! =) I enjoyed my time with you today baby. I hope you did too. and the best part is, we're meeting again tomorrow! cannot wait! hehehe!  And thank you Siti Nurfazlun Binte Tahir for your help okay! Kao lah kawan yang paling best! hur hur! :) I guess, that's all for today people. Have a good day. :) posted on Saturday, August 21, 2010 @ 12:11 AM | back to the top.
happy birthday sayang!!
The clock has strike 12! it's ♥ birthday today!! woops! woops!!  cheydebah, you're a year older today. happy birthday ♥. Sorry this is the best I could do for you, wishing you through here instead of being there in person. Insyallah, we'll meet today okay. Have a blast on your special day! And I know I cant sing very well, oh... the wonders of youtube. sayaaaaaaaaaang awak deep deep! =) posted on Tuesday, August 10, 2010 @ 8:56 PM | back to the top.
its our third.
 After all that has happened, I still chose to stick with you. I do hope you realise you mean the world to me. and im not letting you go that easily. I have already forgiven you. so we shall start anew. Just please dont do it again,okay? I know i'm a day late. but i made up for it, didnt I ? Happy 3rd baby. :) done with that. Puasa starts tomorrow. I hope i'm able to fast the whole month, just like previous years. shall have a lil countdown for myself. To all my muslim friends, Happy Fasting!! posted on Thursday, August 5, 2010 @ 12:44 PM | back to the top.
the song says it all.
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