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Kane Nobuhiro
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Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Thursday, October 28, 2010 @ 11:03 PM | back to the top.
Guess who?
and the one that matters most. " Gooood m0rning ! And happy birthday! Da tua! =) enjoy ur special day! Tc ustad =D NO MORE CRYING OK? Byebye . . " And that was it. Short, simple and sweet. Thanks for remembering. Like how I replied back to you, I'd just miss you so much. And I've been longing to tell you that actually. Alhamdulilah. Friends and loved ones, Thank you so much for wishing me on my birthday. Be it through Twitter, Facebook wall, Msn, Message. I appreciate it very much. The surprise birthday cake by Carmen, Kai wei and Sam, it really did came as a surprise to me. I'm touched that you guys made the effort. I apologise for not being able to personally thanks to every single one of you, because of you-know-what. But nevertheless, Im thankful for everything that you guys has done for me. =') Awaq, thanks for the surprise. That cake and the gift. The fact that you told me how you went to great lengths to actually make the card, and lost it, and then made another one again, the wrapping of the gift and all, yearp. It did touched me somehow. No words can describe how I thankful I am. Say thanks to your friend for me alright? Makaseh kawan nyer. I appreciate it loads. =) Done with that, I'm left with one more stuff to write about. Whoever-you-are, If I really did hurt you 4 years back then, Im really sorry. I sincerely apologise if I'd really caused you so much pain back then. If you're happy now that I got my just desserts, well then... Congratulations. I'm glad that you finally got what you wanted. Karma? I deserved it. I'll accept whatever that I'm going through right now, as a form of punishment from the One Above for my past mistakes. With that being said, it can go two ways from here; either you carry on being anonymous and keep bringing me down even further through that tagboard or.... you can go on with your life, knowing you have finally tasted 'victory' , and I shall go on with mine. The ball is in your court. You choose, you decide. And I will keep reminding myself, not to fall into another situation like this again. Just not now, definitely. Like they said, once bitten twice shy. Take care, loved ones. posted on Sunday, October 24, 2010 @ 9:00 PM | back to the top.
first love.
Family gathering pit over at Changi Beach , complete with foods, drinks, the peoples, presents and even games were exactly what I needed after all that has been happening recently. Glad that I went down to join in the fun, because believed it or not, I really had real fun the whole day. Smilling face, the laughter, the jokes, I actually mean it this time round. Alhamdulilah.. Insyallah, I'll be able to pick up myself from here now. Slowly but surely. Thanks for the many many gifts that I received, loved ones! Even though my birthday is still two days away, I was really surprised because this was the first time I received so many presents in one shot! Feels like a kid again, makaseh lah banyak-banyak yer cousins, makciks and pakciks tersayang. The only downside of it was that I didnt had mum's camera along with me, or I would have already uploaded some of the beatiful moments captured right here in my blog. Never mind then, once the others have upload it in Fb, I'll share it in my blog. Stay tuned! ''Thanks... for the time spent together, for the moments you made me feel special, for the funny sounds and lame jokes that you make that made me laugh somehow, for letting me feel as though I could love someone as my own, even if its just for that night. I appreciate it that you were around to see my tears, and my laughters as well. Thank you so much. '' "God, thanks for the fun times that I had yesterday. I'm greatful that there is still happiness for me. Now, I'm just hoping when my actual day comes, I won't be so emotional and think about the promises she has made to me on my birthday. Please Allah. Give me that strength that I need." posted on Thursday, October 21, 2010 @ 9:21 PM | back to the top.
behind that smile and laughter.
If only I could sing just half as good as Apit.. If only I can compose my love story into a song.. I wished. Sometimes, i really wonder why must the same thing always happen to me, over and over and over again? Just like any other human beings out there, All that I ever wanted was for someone to love and be loved. Thank you Siti, for being there with me at school early this morning. You're the only one friend who perhaps have seen those tears more often than not. I'm such a weakling, and I wont deny that. Anyone wanna make it even more miserable for me? Go ahead alright. Im so used to this pain aniway. FML. posted on Monday, October 18, 2010 @ 5:32 PM | back to the top.
i've got a feeling..
Before I get started, I would like to thank you, sarah for visiting my blog and tagging them. I realised that from whatever that you have wrote down, I can see that there are some things which maybe you don’t really get it. So I shall point that out. This is what YOU wrote to me. “yeah. she messed up your life. but you should jolly well face the music and deal with it and stop blaming others. she never asked u to be the way u are now. u chose to be emo. you chose to be sad. so that's your problem. so dont go around blaming others. u have only urself to blame to lead a sad life like this. face it. its not the end of the world yo. you dont ditch your social life because of a girl. only losers do that. seriously. till then. someone has got to slap you in the face so that you can wake up from all this. “ Wow. Haha. Honestly, I was taken aback when I read that. Hmmm, ohkay. Well, I shall be open about this since I think that you have misunderstood the whole situation here. Yes, I don’t deny the fact, that I blame her for how miserable my life is now. Well, that’s the truth aint it? The only girl that I loved so much just had to leave me. I am still here picking up the broken pieces of my heart, and there she is seemingly happy with how things are right now. Simply put, the main cause of the breakup was because of trust issues. And yes, I admit that It was difficult for me to trust her. But do YOU ever stop to think why or what actually happened that caused me to lose that trust in her, which eventually led to the break up? Ikutkan hati, I can write down the whole situation, from A – Z, what actually happened, just so YOU or anyone that happens to be reading this will be able to judge who is right, or who is wrong here. But, Whatever for? Why should I tell the world what actually happened between the two of us? Will it make me any less sad than I already am? Will it even make her come back to me? NO, and NO. But, if YOU are really interested, then I’ll be glad to meet u up over a cup of coffee , just so you will know the full story. But not here alright. Not when we’re talking about someone’s dignity over here. “you chose to be emo, you chose to be sad, so that’s your problem. So don’t go around blaming others..” Well sarah, how’d do YOU expect me to feel then, when someone whom you thought was the One for you, actually dumped you? Overjoyed? Excited? A sense of relief now that I’m back to singlehood? Of course I am feeling sad, but I am sad not because I know, that she and I are no longer together, but I am sad because of the things that she has done behind my back and all. I have heard so so many stories, opinions and all that you can think of about her, and what she has did behind my back. These will always remain as a question mark in my head, up till today. But it’s back to the same thing then. Would it change anything even if I bare all of this right here, right now? No. Which then leads me to your comment. Yeah, even if I really choose to ditch my social life because of her, even if I really am going to stop my passion because of her, even if I am going to continue my emo posts here in my blog, what rights do YOU have to call me a loser? I am somehow offended by that comment made because it seems clear to me that its either you have never fallen in love and got your heart broken before, or you just don’t understand my situation. Aku sedih, orang cakap loser. Nak gembira, buat buat pun takda guna. In anyway, please do know that I am not angry or whatsoever by your comment. Since I more or less have answered to YOU, can YOU now do me a favour and answer me a question that I have in my mind now? I have been contacting all the Sarah’s that I have in my contact list, but none has said that she is the Sarah that wrote this. SO, I hope you could tell me who you are, be it through here, fb or anything. Just so I will know who you are. Because honestly, if you happen to be my friend, (which I don’t think so, but there is still a possibility that it is) I would appreciate it if you could have told me your honest opinions straight to my face. What im tryna say is that if you’re really my friend and you’re sincere in wanting me to wake up and snap back to reality, you won’t have to resort to hiding behind that laptop and then typing all that to me. Tegur pun biar ade care yer. I don’t really understand why you can get so affected by my post when its not even being directed at anyone in particular that you had to tag my blog, unless.... I really hope to hear from whoever-you-are, soon . I will be waiting. Have a nice day. "It has never been my intention to condemn you for our mistakes, to make you look bad in this situation. Neither do i fault you for the break up. You might or might not be bothered to read my blog anymore, but if you happen to drop by, just know that I hope whatever that is happening right now won’t make matters between us much more worse than it already is. I’m doing fine over here. Taking small baby steps to get my life back on track. I don’t hope for us being friends either, cause I don’t want to start back from zero again. It took me this long to accept the reality, and I’m slowly moving on. And that is exactly why, I just don’t want to bump into you again. Definitely not now, but I really hope when the day comes when we DO cross each other’s path again, I would really have completely gotten over you. And that’ll be the day we’ll be friends. Insyallah. I’ll still pray that you’ll clear your national exams though, remember your promise to make mummy proud of you. That’s the least I can do for you now. Take care." posted on Saturday, October 16, 2010 @ 2:55 AM | back to the top.
what used to be.
" Epul.. Kau, Hisyam, Mimi.. Sume dah macam adik2 aku.. Same-same ikut aku layar kembara seni.. Dah masuk 5 tahun pun.. AKu kenal ko even sebelum kau kenal budak pompuan tu. Epul, wanita bila2 bolh cari, akan tetapi aku bernikah dah berkahwin cume sekali dalam hidup aku.. Dan aku nak sangat-sangat yang same-same aku naik turun melayari seni ada sama-sama aku pada hari istimewa iu.. Fikirlah epul.. Kau pun dah besar.. Cuma aku nak pesan, jangan gara-gara perempuan seorang cucu nak pingirkan atoknya.. :) " Mat noh, aku sememang-memangnye nak sangat to be there on your special day. But hati aku maseh belum terbuka lagi. I'll try my best ohkay, Mat noh. Jangan lah kecik hati yer noh, kalau aku tak dapat hadir this Sunday. Sigh. And I did not go for the first training today. Reason being? You should know why. By the looks of it, Imma have to forgo for the dkulan competition. For the first time ever in my life. See how YOU have messed up my life right now? Just great. I forgave your broken promises, I forgave you from the start. But one thing I won't forgive, Is your breaking of my heart. posted on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 @ 10:46 PM | back to the top.
passion.
Throughout all the competitions that I have been involved in, this has to be one of the best and memorable ever. Though we didnt got any placing, that competition was the first time we achieved the 'Awok-awok' Terbaik. and also, this was the competition, that I first had my eyes on her. that special someone. My head really hurts right now. I've been thinking about whether or not I should commit my time for the upcoming dkulan competition. Really, really hard for me to come to a decision. I really, really, really want to play but the heart still says not to. So, how now? posted on Sunday, October 10, 2010 @ 8:25 PM | back to the top.
arghh!
Look at what I found in my bag when I wanted to clear whatever stuff that was in it, before washing.  Yes, one of the 105 paperhearts that I had fold for her as a birthday gift. No use crying again, you just wont care aniway. Really, thanks for that message you gave me. It made me realised something. Thank you so much, I shall never want to hear from you ever again. posted on Saturday, October 9, 2010 @ 12:08 AM | back to the top.
its the 9th.
To that special someone, "Assalamualaikom awak. Hope you are in the best of health today. The clock has just strike 12, and its the 9th today. I will always remember this date on every month as it holds a special memory for me. Beautiful memories which has happened for the 5 months that has past. I do hope you still remember this special date shida, I really hope you do. Like I said, ever since you walked out of my life, I am never the same syai ever again, cause you have yet to return my heart back. But, I guess it does not matter anymore, cause syai.. is no longer in your heart anymore. I can sense that. Shida, I don’t understand why u have been keeping quiet all this while. I’ve been counting the days ever since u left me, while praying and hoping that you will just text me, or even call me. Have u stop caring for me right after you left me that night? Let me tell you shida, im suffering. Suffering because here I am still crying and thinking about you, every single night. Please shida, I want to forget you. I don’t hope of being with you anymore. But please don’t do this to me. It hurts real bad. And the fact that I just don’t have anyone else to turn to; my family’s situation is in turmoil, plus you, I can really go crazy with my life now. why are u being so different towards me now? When I was once your everything, am I just now another human being which u don’t feel like contacting anymore? I hate this absolutely zero contact between us. Whatever it is, I am still gonna wait to see if you will text me, just one fine day. I'll pray for your Os shida. I really hope you'll keep to your promise that you'll end up in a Polytechnic in your next phase of life. Keep to your promise, that you want to make mummy proud of you. Insyallah, you'll make it. If you have already found my replacement now, or even later, then of course I'll be really happy for you. BUt for now, really focus on your O's okay. Study smart alright. Happy ‘what would have been our 5th month’ shida. Kirim salam mummy kay. Assalamualaikom. " Supposed to be texting her all this, but I decided not to. Cause I know she won't reply any of my text messages anymore, so let's just do it here. I hope she'll read this one day, and I hope by that time, I can finally be able to move on by then. Insyallah. Thanks for the endless support, friends. I'm realy blessed that you guys care a lot about me, be it close friends, mutual friends, new friends. Seriously from the bottom of heart, I thank you all. Till next time. I hope today will be the last night, I cry for you. posted on Tuesday, October 5, 2010 @ 1:39 AM | back to the top.
praise to Allah.
 Alhamdulilah. Finally, tiap tiap hari aku berdoa, agar tergerak jugak lah hati si dier pada suatu hari, untuk mencari aku. Akhirnya, terkabul jugak doa aku. " You okaaay now? Jus dropd by to say nyte. " And that was it. That was enough to make me stare at my phone for a good 5 minutes, jaws dropped, eyes opened wide cause I'd thought my eyes were actually playing a trick on me. Even though she did not reply my subsequent text message, I am more than greatful enough. For the fact that she must have thought long and hard enough before texting me. And that jut means, for once I did crossed her mind. Alhamdulilah syukur. The feeling I got when I realised it was really her text to me, Priceless. Thank you, Ya Allah. Thanks for granting my wish. No words can ever describe how thankful I am right now. Seriously. You made me even more determined than ever. Thank you. Thanks for texting me. I appreciate it.  Thanks for this Siti. I too wished to be that old syai back. It's painful that I have to go through this alone and for 13 days and still counting. That's what happened when I loved a girl, too much i must say. But im trying to cope, slowly. I no longer can afford to smile no more, let alone be that crappy syai who I used to be. Blame it on this heart Siti, who just refused to let her go. posted on Monday, October 4, 2010 @ 4:59 PM | back to the top.
12 days in, 5 days to what could have been.
Came across this at Facebook (Dee Anna Wong).so I thought of sharing this to everyone here. Boy: I broke up with her. His Best Friend: What happened? Boy: She’s just too much for me. His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong? Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure.. His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see.. Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy! His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see.. Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby! His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see.. Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it. His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see.. Boy: Well, she.. His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud? Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me? His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened. Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just wants the best for you. Because to her, YOU ARE THE BEST. If you don’t like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her, so don’t just give up. Well, don’t just leave because you want the easy way out. posted on Sunday, October 3, 2010 @ 3:15 AM | back to the top.
11 days.
And so, I eventually went ahead to Chuchu's Hari Raya show at KCC. Inintially, I really did not feel like going. For the simple reason that I have already imposed a self-ban on going to Bedok. But thinking back, I have to go through it, sooner or later since I have no choice, really. My training place is reaaaally near to her house, and I really dont want to start having all those flashbacks if I'm there. Nevertheless, I still decided on going, to see for myself if I could handle it. I came prepared though, with the New Paper in my hand, to keep myself distracted from all that thought. But it was not to be. I read every single page of the paper, slowly. But yet I managed to finish reading every article just as I reached Tampinese. sucks a lot. So, i braced myself for the worst, just before bus 168 turns in from bedok reservoir. And that was it. Just as soon as I reached her busstop, where I usually alight to meet her, all those memories came back, one by one. I thought I'd saw her walking down there, from the top of the bus. But it was just my imagination. I thought about how frequent I used to alight at that busstop, and how she used to be late for our meetup, and then giving me the apologetic-yet-cute face as she rushed over from afar, knowing that I have already arrived. Haha. those times.. Upon reaching, I rushed over to a block nearby CC, to meet... someone. My purpose was to actually pass her some money, to thank her for whatever that she has done for me, all this while. Managed to talk to her for a while and I really could not help but broke down as I'm listening to her updates. Shortly after that, I bade farewell and made my way to KCC. Since it was still early, made myself busy by helping around with the arrengement of chairs and all. I even had time to solat Asar in the CC, for my first time ever. Mat nor, as funny as he always been, was actually quite surprised. haha. " Mat noh, kao tawu arah kiblat maner tak, noh? " *giving me the surprised look and then laugh* " arah kiblat ke arah sini. Hahahaha! Alhamdulilah pul, sekian lame ni.. taubat jugak lah kao ni. Mentang-mentang dah de ma'am jager kau, baru nak taubat ker pul? insyaallah, aku doakan korang kekal lah yer... hahahaha!! " *gave that heart-hearted smile, before telling him* "Dah takde lagy noh.. dah takde dah." " HUH?!?! dah takde, kenape lah ni pulak??" I just walked away after that. He kept asking me, what actually happened to the both of us. I just told him that, she has grown tired of all the fights and no longer wishes to continue this relationship. Knowing how his perangai is, he tried to make jokes and stuff, but yeah, honestly it does not help much. haha. SOrry noh. I broke the news to him, that I am considering to quit dikir barat altogether, or at the very least, taking time off for a while. He immediately told me not to quit, cause he said, it'll be foolish of me to do so. He said this to me,"aku dah berape tahun kenal kao pul, aku tahu minat kau dalam seni ni macam mana. jangan kerana ini aje, kao nak berhenti berseni. Pikir pasal kumpulan pul.. " Sigh. It hit me hard by his words actually. Even someone realised how passionate I am about dikir barat, I thought nobody did. To stop my passion just because of this, I dont think it'll be sucha great idea. BUt yeah, pikir pikir balek, I really cannot do this. Sedangkan turun Bedok aje tao, dah susah. Apa lagy future comps? Get what im tryna say? Well, it was then time to change to our baju kurung. When everyone's done, we had to gather outside, and that was the another hard part. When I got outside, I saw adek and his new ma'am, Baby's ma'am, Ella and yunos's wifey. It got me flashing back to the recent Chuchu's raya outing, where all those ladies were present, including mine. And that was really saddening. Sigh. After kompang, I chosed to stay outside, while the rest went in to dine andmingle with their loved ones. Outside, I kept thinking of all the good times we both shared. Terbayang-bayang jugak lah kan, si dier datang dari jauh to meet me at KCC. Couldnt take it any longer, I decided to text her. I wrote a super long text message, telling her how much I miss her so, and then when I wanted to click on the 'send' button, I finally realised.. that I no longer have her number anymore. Imagine how fucked up I felt at that point of time? oh yes. Once I'm done with the dikir show, I went up to the room to get changed. I don't feel like staying any longer, cause it was too much for me to handle. And as I was about to go down via the side staircase, that was where I saw it. There is this block just beside KCC, and she likes to study there, since it was peaceful and quiet. As I went down the staircase, I was reminded of that recent meetup, just before we broke up, where I accompanied her at that very same block for her DnT revision. I stop for a while, look over at that spot for a good 5 minutes, before I made my way to Bedok interchange, quickly. On my way back home in bus 168, I looked out of the window as it arrived at her busstop, once again. It reminded me of that loooooooooooong stretch of pathway that I used to walk, just to get to her house. As the bus leaves its bay, I did the unthinkable; I texted mummy. To ak how she was and stuff. Yeah, I did that. Surprisingly. Well, that was how I actually spent my day yesterday. I still am considering whether or not to carry on with my passion. I may have to seriously consider about it. I know, it might upset some people with my decision, if I choose not to continue. But please, I beg you. To please spare a thought about my feelings, and the situation I am in. No one knows how difficult it is for me to be going through all this, except for my own self. Everyone can go "syai, be strong okay...", or "Let it go syai.. and move on, cheer up!" and stuff like that. Please, dont tell that to me. Instead, tell that to this stubborn heart of mine. To you... Awaq. I know you might be reading all of these some day. That is exactly why I didnt choose to private my blog this time round. Cause I WANT you to read all this. I'm sorry if im making you even more angry by writing all this down. I dont have any hopes of being together with you, awaq. My only hope right now is that, you would one day.. miss us, and text me to tell me how you are. It has been exactlt 11 painful days since I last hear your voice. This is not the way it should be awaq, even if you really just want us to remain friends, only. I'm forgetting you, its hard. But Im trying, believe me. Just give me that opportunity to try to feel, how it feels like to smile again. Please. I hope you're doing pretty alright over there, and I'm sure you are. Take good care of yourslf okay? Sorry for all these recent emo post friends, I hope you guys understand the situation I am in now. In aniway, I didnt force any of you to read it either. Ohwells. Have a nice day everyone. May Allah bless you guys. Amin. posted on Friday, October 1, 2010 @ 3:41 PM | back to the top.
its all my fault.
posted on @ 1:45 AM | back to the top.
those words were, lies?
"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." well, guess what? I am still alive. Maybe it does not matter to her anymore, whether am I still alive or dead by now. It has already been one week, one day since that night, and honestly I've never managed to pick myself up since then. One week, one day of pure hell, and counting. I'm really sorry for having to trouble my close friends every single night. Never has there been a night where I'm actually at home resting, cause I just dont want to. Everytime i have nothing to do, my mind will start to wander to and think about all the 'what ifs'. What else am I supposed to do, now? I've done almost every possible things that I can think of to make me forget her. But it is easier said than done. Everywhere I go, everything I do, to the songs that I listen to; Its all these little little things that make me remember, all the happy times we used to had. So tell me, what other ways must I do now? I cannot accept the fact that why it is that, it is so damn bloody hard for me to let go of her, still suffering up till now... and yet it seems that she is having the time of her life with her new found freedom? And if I can have that.. sense of guilt, trying to socialise with new girl friends and all, why is it that you are able to tell me straight to my face.. that you're actually getting back closer to that guy currently? This was not what I expected from you. No, this was not how I planned it to be. I gave my all into this. I've said I know it was my mistakes, I had even plead to be given that one final chance. And yet you still have not reply my text message to you, up to this very second. Although your actions really hurt me, I still hope that one day, Insyaallah you will give me that chance I craved for. I know, I am a useless guy. Useless for the fact that I'm still here, crying for someone who does not want any of this anymore. I feel so betrayed and alone right now. Like how you always tell me, it really sucks to be me. |
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