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Kane Nobuhiro
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Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Thursday, December 9, 2010 @ 12:00 AM | back to the top.
for the last time.
For the last time...  For the last time... “I have always believed that when you love someone, you should love them forever. but i was wrong. nothing can last forever. & thats what you’ve taught me. You’ve taught me that feelings go away. Promises can be broken. & love isnt for everyone. When i met you, i thought that all of my past experiences would go away. But in the end, you brought them back & added more hurt to them. ive always thought that there is going to be that one girl who would prove to me that not all girls are the same. Well, I thought u were, but it didnt out to be. I so wanted to let you in on my secrets, but you became one of them instead. Love is a precious thing. & thats why its so hard to find. thats why its hard to find someone who can really understand love. when you’ve been hurt, you shut the doors to your heart & stop any form of care & love to go in. now, you’ve brought me every type of hurt imaginable. Maybe, just maybe we're both too young and we don't know what's real, but I know I've never wanted anything so bad. I have never wanted anyone so bad. I wish I had the guts to walk away & forget about what we had, but I can't because I know you won't come after me & that's what hurts the most. im just going to live my life as if i dont care. But i just want you to let you know that even though you have broken my heart. i still love you. " For the last time... I wish you could so badly see. I wish you could see the shit I went through for the past months and the emotions, the torments that I went through. The tears I cried, the nights I ruined for myself just knowing you were out with another guy. I have been badly bruised, been stepped on over and over again. I have been embarrassed by my own circle of ‘friends’, ‘strangers’, ‘anonymous people’, to be called a weakling, to see all of them give up on me. I'm not mad, I'm really not. I just wish you could know how much I cared. What all I would have done for you. What all I fucking still would do. I stay up late when I'm sad. I read quotes that remind me of you, listen to songs that fit our situation, scroll through my phone and see I'm all alone, all while tears are pouring down my face. Why do I do it? I could be sleeping and forgetting everything for eight whole hours, at least, but I don't. Why do i still choose to do it? All because I wanted 'them' to know just how pure my love is for you. Even when you have been saying ‘ I love you’s ‘ to someone else all these while. That, this kind of love, is totally different than the ones 'they' have ever felt for their entire life. But tonight, I will let go of that hope for your return in my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted of all this. I've come to a point where these feelings is just too much for me to handle. I want to be free of your hold but I just wish you could have known all that I have went through, just for you. And no matter what, no matter how hard it's going to be, no matter how long it takes... I will want to be happy again. I will smile, I will laugh, but I’m tired of crying. I refuse to continue crying for you anymore. I will not let you get to me any longer. I will not allow myself to feel this way anymore, I refuse to let you hurt me any further. I know you’ve moved on. And you have been giving me that idea that you want me to move on and forget the past relationship that we have shared. And I thought you should know, it hurts that I know I have to, but I can’t. But tonight, my hands are up; I give in. I will. To you. I apologise for all these write-ups about your girlfriend. I’m sorry for missing your girlfriend every single night. I’m sorry that I’d even have that hope that she will come back to me one day. Aku tahu aku tak sepatutnye ada perasaan ni rindu terhadap dier, pasal aku tahu dier milik kau sekarang. I come to realise that I’m not doing any one of us here any good to be stuck in the past. I don’t know if I have ever been the cause of problems between the two of you, I don’t really know. But if there was, I’m truly sorry. And I apologise once again, because even though I will move on now, but that does not mean I’ll stop loving her overnight. These things takes time, I hope you would understand but I promise you, I will try my fucking best. Lastly, I know I am in no position to tell you what to do. But I’m begging you, on account that we are in the same seni, which make it impossible for the three of us to avoid each other during future competitions, please take really really good care of her. And please... love her just as much as I have did, okay bro. To awaq. syai mintak maaf yer untuk segala-gala nye. Syai mintak maaf kerana syai tak ikut kehendak awak dari dulu. Awaq nak saye stop tulis pasal awaq, Awaq nak tengok saya macam dulu dulu tu, Awaq nak saye lupekan diri awaq, untuk kembali senyum. Mungkin, ni lah kesudahannye antara kiter. Syai mintak maaf kay, for the times syai made you sad, made you cry for my own insecurities back then. Syai nak awaq tahu jer, selame syai dengan awaq mase dulu dulu tuh, syai jujur dah ikhlas menyayangi awaq. syai berterime kaseh lah sangat sangat, kerana awaq sudi bagi syai peluang, untuk merasa ertinya cinta, dan untuk dicinta kembali. Hari ni, syai dah tak sayang awaq lagi, tapi itu tak bermaksud syai akan lupe diri awaq hari ini jugaq. Syai tetap akan kesah untuk awaq dari jauh, dan biler syai rindukan awaq, syai selalu dengar lagu yang awaq tengah dengar nih sekarang, sampai biler biler pun. Inilah satu satu, caranya untuk syai berpegang pada janji syai dengan Allah. Pasal syai akur, cinta tak mesti memiliki.. Awaq tetap number 1 untuk syai, sampailah harinya syai dah bertemu dengan pengganti awaq dalam hidup syai ini. Akhir kata dari syai, jaga diri baik baik tao. Nanti dah dapat tahu Olevel result, syai harap awaq dapat lah masuk poly luh yer. Ingat, awaq dah janji... kata nak buat mummy awaq proud kan. Syai akan tetap doa dan mintak dariNya, untuk kebahgian awaq, disamping orang orang yang awaq sayang. Okaylah, sampaikan salam syai pada mummy, abah, shasha okay. Bilang bibik, syai ucapkan terime kaseh untuk dulu dulu tu yer. Jumpe awaq di comp comp yang akan datang. For the last time... Here’s to the 15th of december. Finally plucked up enough courage to say hie to you over in facebook exactly 8 months ago. And here’s to the 23rd of december, our love story that ends exactly 3 months ago. And here's to the 9th of december, which is today. What could have been a happy 7th together. =) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gonna take one step back from reality, and just watch the world go by. Going to give myself enough time to fix this heart. Pray hard for me okay everyone. For now I will take a break from blogging and possibly from the facebook world too. I'll be back in another 1 month time. And I promise the day that I'm back, I will come back, happy. InsyaAllah Happy advance new year friends. may 2011 be a better one for all of us. Awaq? for the last time... I love you. =’) posted on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 @ 9:00 PM | back to the top.
cinta tak bersyarat.
Let's sing along, shall we? =) Tak ada sedikit pun sesal ku T'lah bertahan dengan setiaku Walau di akhir jalan Ku harus melepaskan dirimu.. Ternyata tak mampu kau melihat Dalam nya cinta ku yang hebat Hingga ada alasan bagi mu tuk tinggalkan setia mu... chorus: Demi nama cinta Telah ku persembahkan hatiku hanya untukmu Telah ku jaga kejujuran dalam setiap nafasku... Kerna demi cinta Telah ku relakan kecewa ku atas ingkarmu.. Sebab ku mengerti Cinta itu tak mesti memiliki... Andai saja bisa kau fahami Layaknya erti kasih sejati Kerna cinta yang sungguh tiada akan pernah mungkin bersyarat.. (repeat chorus) Ternyata tak mampu kau melihat dalamnya cintaku yang hebat... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The song that keeps me going strong, every single day. The song that keeps me company whenever I miss that someone special. Because I don't just read the lyrics, I understand the true meaning of it. "Kerna demi cinta Telah ku relakan kecewa ku atas ingkarmu.. Sebab ku mengerti Cinta itu tak mesti memiliki..." =') will be back again tonight for another post. hopefully, the last. Amin. 3 more hours to go. posted on Tuesday, December 7, 2010 @ 11:40 PM | back to the top.
aku...
Found this article somewhere in the Net, so I thought of sharing this great stuff on my own blog, though its in malay. Feel free to read, and copy and paste in your own spaces if you want to alright. No harm spreading joy around. Here's to the kids in love: "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... bertindak lebih seperti saudara, daripada seperti seorang kekasih." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... sering melakukan hal-hal yang sengal, seperti menelefon kamu 100 kali dalam masa sehari. Atau mengejutkan kamu di tengah malam dengan mengirim SMS. Sebenarnya ketika saat itu, dia sedang memikirkan kamu." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... kadang-kadang merindukan kamu dan melakukan hal-hal yang membuat kamu pening kepala. Namun, ketika kamu mengatakan tindakannya itu membuat kamu terganggu, dia akan minta maaf dan tak akan melakukannya lagi. Jika kamu memintanya untuk mengajarimu sesuatu, maka ia akan mengajarimu dengan sabar walaupun kamu mungkin orang yang terbodoh di dalam dunia ini. Bahkan dia begitu gembira kerana dapat membantu kamu. Dia tidak akan pernah mengelak dari menunaikan permintaan kamu walaupun sesukar mana permintaan kamu tuh." "Kalau kamu melihat handphone nya... nama kamu akan menghiasi sebahagian besar INBOXnya. Dia masih menyimpan SMS-SMS dari kamu walaupun ia kamu kirim berbulan-bulan atau bertahun-tahun yang lalu. Dia juga menyimpan surat-surat kamu di tempat khas dan segala pemberian kamu menjadi benda-benda berharga buatnya." "Dan jika kamu cuba menjauhkan diri daripadanya atau memberi reaksi menolaknya... dia akan menyedarinya dan menghilang dari kehidupan kamu, walaupun hal itu membunuh hatinya. Jika suatu saat kamu merindukannya dan ingin memberinya kesempatan, dia akan ada menunggu kamu, kerana sebenarnya dia tak pernah mencari orang lain. Dia akan sentiasa setia menunggu kamu." "Orang yang begitu menyayangi kamu... tidak pernah memaksa kamu memberinya sebab dan alasan, walaupun hatinya meronta ingin mengetahui, kerana dia tidak mahu kamu terbeban dengan karenahnya. Saat kamu pinta dia berlalu, dia pergi tanpa menyalahkan kamu, kerana dia benar-benar mengerti apa itu cinta." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu mengingati setiap kata-kata yang kamu ungkapkan, bahkan mungkin kata-kata yang kamu sendiri lupa pernah mengungkapkannya. Kerana dia menyematkan kata-kata kamu di hatinya, berapa banyak kata-kata penuh harapan yang kau tuturkan padanya, dan akhirnya kau musnahkan? Mungkin kamu lupa, tetapi bukan orang yang menyayangi kamu." "Kalau kali terakhir bertemu kamu mungkin sedang selesema, ataupun batuk-batuk... dia akan sentiasa mengirim SMS atau menelefon untuk bertanya keadaan kamu, kerana dia bimbangkan tentang kamu, peduli tentang kamu. Jika kamu mengatakan akan menghadapi ujian, dia akan menanyakan bila ujian itu berlangsung, dan saat harinya tiba dia akan mengirimkan SMS 'good luck' untuk memberi semangat kepada kamu." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan memberikan suatu barang miliknya yang mungkin pada kamu hanyalah sesuatu yang biasa, tetapi baginya barang itu sangat istimewa." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan terdiam sesaat ketika sedang bercakap di telefon dengan kamu, sehingga kamu menjadi bingung. Sebenarnya, saat itu dia merasa sangat gugup kerana kamu telah menggegarkan dunianya." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu ingin berada di sisi kamu dan ingin menghabiskan hari-harinya hanya dengan kamu. Jika suatu saat kamu harus pindah ke daerah lain, dia akan sentiasa memberikan nasihat agar kamu waspada dengan persekitaran yang boleh membawa pengaruh buruk kepada kamu. Sebenarnya, disebalik hatinya, dia benar-benar takut kehilangan kamu." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... tidak pernah mampu memberikan alasan kenapa dia menyanyangi kamu. Yang dia tahu di hati dan matanya hanya ada kamu satu-satunya. Walaupun kamu sudah memiliki teman istimewa atau kekasih, dia tidak perduli. Baginya yang penting kamu bahagia walaupun dia sungguh terluka." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... menerima kamu dengan seaadanya. Di hati dan matanya, kamu selalu yang tercantik walaupun mungkin kamu merasa berat badan kamu sudah bertambah." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu ingin tahu tentang apa saja yang kamu lalui sepanjang hari ini, selalu ingin tahu khabar kamu, walaupun seandainya tidak lagi bersama." "Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan mengirimkan SMS seperti 'selamat pagi', 'selamat tidur', 'take care', dan lain-lain lagi walaupun kamu tidak membalas SMS nya. Kerana dengan kiriman itu lah dia menyatakan cintanya, menyatakan dalam cara yang berbeda, bukan "aku sayang kamu", tetapi berselindung ayat selain kata cinta itu." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ congrats siti and ahmud, 16th months and still going on. posted on Monday, December 6, 2010 @ 11:18 PM | back to the top.
A million feelings, a thousand thoughts, hundreds of memories, all for one person.
 Why is that just when you get things together, you hear from that one person who could pull it all apart? I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want to see, what to hear, what to feel. Sometimes I can be saying one thing, but totally mean the other. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's pretty hard enough just to be me. I was so used to you calling me, because every night we used to talk. And now I still wait by the phone until I fall asleep. I guess.. I could call and ask you, "How are you?" But I really don't have much to say. I won't even know where to begin with in the first place. I sit all alone and stare at the phone and I hope that you're doing okay. I want so badly to tell you how I feel, but I'm scared that even after I pour out all my feelings for you, you're just gonna stare at me like the words don't mean a thing, to you. It's not even you that I really want back, it's the pieces of me you took with you when you left because when I lost you, I had no idea I would lose me too. This is me now. And i want you to know that i am both happy and sad. And I'm still trying to figure out how that could even be possible. So, what? You mean, we'll only talk when it's convenient for you? That you'll only think of me when you have practically nothing else to do? What about the times I lay on my bed, clutching my tear-stained pillow over my throbbing mouth, trying to contain a scream that's releasing all these exploding nerve endings? What? You're telling me that you're too busy with that someone new to bother texting, to bother about me? At this point, I don't give a shit. But I know in a few hours or even within a few minutes or so, all of my feelings will collide and I'll just be lying to myself. I wished I knew how to let go, move on, and be happy. But there's always this little shred of "Well, maybe she'll want me tomorrow." You know what I mean. “It's alright to lose your pride over something you love, but never lose something you love over your pride.”  "b0o! buat aper tu?" "syai buat aper? syai tengah rindukan insan yang syai sayangkan sangat sangat." sayang sekali, awaq takkan sesekali pun memahami ertinya kerinduan itu. posted on Sunday, December 5, 2010 @ 8:54 PM | back to the top.
book in?
 Met up with this sec school bro of mine here. Glad that we could catch up with each other, though it was only for a while. And he's actually quite surprised that I am still the same. Sebelum masuk NS, lepas masuk NS pun samer jugak. Hahaha. And yeah, I wished I too, could be serving the nation now. instead of having to go to school. It's like most of the boys my age, and even those younger than me, are already halfway serving their 'term'. But I'm still stuck here, doing more and more RJs every single day and the PBL shit. Tu lah, dulu taqnaq blajar kan. kan sekarang kene tanggung. Takpelah, pelan pelan kayuh yer syai. posted on Saturday, December 4, 2010 @ 11:59 PM | back to the top.
Let it out.
* breathes in .... * Sometimes, I don't know why the hell I still ask around. Troubling people to ask how you have been doing. I know that this is not the way to go, because it'll just lead me back to you. But I just can't help it. That's like.. the only way I can know how you are doing, and wherever you are. And every single time I'd ask, the reply wasn't what I'd been hoping all along. Tapi takpe, syai tetap maintain. Today wasn't any special. The only difference was that, syai missed you more than any other days. It got so bad that I could not even sit still in my fucking own room. pergy hall, pergy dapur, masuk toilet, keluar toilet, masuk bilik on laptop, refresh FB page berkali kali, lay down on my bed, got up, check msn to see if there's anyone for me to chat with. Over and over and over again. bingit sendiri kau tahu tak! If only I could have been the one to be in your position. I wish I was the one to be happily with someone new right now, having the best time in the world enjoying my fucking youth. If only we exchanged places, even if it is only for a day, then probably you would understand, how fucking tiring it is. And guess what?! even after all these rants, even when syai is overwhelmed with these anger and hatred deep within, I am still unable to hate you. I may hate you tonight, but I'll forget them when I wake up from my sleep later. It has always been like this. Tah, aku pun tak tahu kenape. I know that one day, just one day, I'd say enough is enough, and I will give up totally. Like what they all have said, let time heals everything. Yeah, cliche much. I will let time heal everything. And until that day comes, for now I'll just hold on for as long as I can. Sebelum awaq nak start benci syai pulaq gara gara post ni, pikir dahulu jawapan nye pada soalan yang awak maseh tertanye tanye, kenape syai maseh macam gini. Daripada ditanye, "kenape susah nah syai nak move on?" kenape tidaq tanye pade diri sendiri, "kenape sayang sangat syai ni kat aku?" Mungkin ni balasan syai atas kesilapan dahulu. Syai terima balasan ni. Mintak maaf kalau awaq naik geli, naik muak tengok post post syai ni. Mungkin jugak awaq dah tak lagy singgah kat sini. Tapi ingat, macam mana syai tak boleh pakse untuk awaq kembali seperti dahulu, macam gitulah jugaq awaq tak boleh pakse saye tentang soal hati nih. Satu hari, Tuhan akan bukak mata awaq besar besar. Amin. I apologise for the expletives words used. No offence, just needed to vent my frustrations out. Take care y'all. posted on Friday, December 3, 2010 @ 11:59 PM | back to the top.
that special. oh yes.
Quick one for today. I'm so dead tired right now and my RJ is still yet to be completed. Just got home from Bedok for my dikir training. And i seriously regret coming down. To think I went straight after school, where I could have just gone home to change and put my bag and stuff first. In the end, only a few people came down, jam some dikir songs and basically that's all. The best part is, the Kelantan song that we jam to, really tak perlu sia! I was going like... oh my, please! not this song! Wanna know the lyrics to it? " Biarlah aku tanggung derita seorang.. Pada dirimu tetap ku sayang.. Masa berlalu seribu kenangan.. Penawar rindu si dara pujaan.. " I know right. sigh. Friends, go out today please? I don't wanna stay home and waste my weekends. And oh, anonymous person, don't you worry because I'd already forgive you for your words. You gave me that extra needed strength to keep holding on for what I think is right. thank you so much. and awaq, I really hope your doing okay wherever you are. Syai tak tawu khabarnye. Syai tady pergi bedok, syai sedih. Just thought you should know, syai maseh.. aah, never mind. Take care yer wherever you are. Gonna start with my RJ now. what a life. Take care all. posted on Thursday, December 2, 2010 @ 11:15 PM | back to the top.
harga diriku
Syai rindu awaq. ='( posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 @ 10:00 PM | back to the top.
the heart speaks...
" Syai! Cheer up alright! " " Hey syai! Why your blog now all so emo emo one ah? " And all that I could muster was to smile at these two classmates of mine from the previous semesters. Wow. There are friends who actually read my blog eh? I knew that my close friends do read my space; Siti, bea, just to name a few. But those words came from friends, who I’d least expect to visit my blog mainly because we seldom keep in touch. Which got me thinking actually; So who actually does visit my blog other than those which I know of? I really wonder... And I’m being really open right now. This space of mine here is the only option that I have to jot down my true feelings. Emo emo post? Maybe you guys see it that way, which I don’t really blame you guys because... you’re just not me. I just need you guys to know that every single post here is just an expressive thought of how my day has gone and how actually I’ve been all these while. It feels like... it is only through this space of mine here where I can truly be myself and just let everything go. Be it whether I’m sad, be it I’m happy, or angry. This is the space where I let you all in into the syai that I am now. That’s the reason why I’m restricting myself to twitter and my blog, and not in FB. Because I know I may just create unwanted attention or worst, ‘irritate’ some people, or should I say, a person, with all those what you call them, ‘emo shoutouts?’ which would defineitely appear in the live feeds. I am pretty much covering up my own butt here; because like what I’ve been saying time and time again, you can choose not to visit my blog if anyone of you here is ‘affected’ by it, which I don’t know why or how that is even possible. =) And I’ll say it again; these ‘emo emo’ posts that I’d wrote, those quotes and pictures, every single one of them... is for that one girl whom I’d loved so much. It’s not appropriate for me to name this girl, because of the fact that she has apparently found my replacement, and I’m still here wishing how things could have turned out differently between us. Just know that this girl had existed in my life, before. I’m happy for her that she’s able to move on with someone new now. But at the same time, I hope you guys too will realise how painful it is for me to be typing that sentence down, when I’m still very much ________? yeah, that's it. Contradicting much? I’m sorry. You know, sometimes I really wonder why is it that, I have to really consider what people might think or say before every time I’ll post anything. It’s like... I’m always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone to let them know exactly what is in my head, and to keep it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so just pushes people away, no matter if they’re always there to listen, there is only so much my friends, my best friends, can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison myself from the inside out. It is to ignore who I am and losing myself. And I just do not know know which would be better? To have friends thinking that I’m melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic... or to just drown myself in my own mind. And yup, to think back, it’s really funny why people are able to say that ‘syai so emo’ now with all these posts, but when other human beings out there does the same thing, they will not have the same reaction to it. There are thousands or even millions human beings out there, right now at this minute who is undergoing the same shit, just like I am. But they are entitled to their freedom of expression on their own spaces, but I don’t. No, I’m not asking for sympathy dear friends, all I ask from whomever you are which might still be reading this, is to read if you want, and then just leave it as it is. As much as I hate to admit this, but it got me affected when people get the wrong idea, when the only thing that I did was to completely honest. I can only admit it to myself; it’d still hurt. They all said I would feel better in time, that the pain will fade and that I will get over it. But the thing is I have not moved on. I have not forgotten a thing; every single memory, every conversation, every phone call, every hug, every single little thing that I could recall so clearly in my mind. Every single time I tried to let it go, try to forget all the things that once were, my mind let me down. I could not forget any part of that old life. Because it was then that I was happy. And now that she’s gone, of course I’m so undoubtedly miserable that I held on to every single thing. My happiness, her, everything. It sucks knowing that I tried so hard, that I know that I need to let go, but I just can’t. Because I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. I am just another human being here. I feel and think the same way as you guys. I have my own flaws too, my imperfections. I laugh, I smile, and I cry just like anyone of you. It’s just that I can’t make myself feeling truly happy with these feelings inside me. I’m really exhausted trying to pretend being okay, when I’m actually not. And to think I could still have that strength within me to hide it in front of all my friends in campus. Just like you guys, I’m as clueless as to how long syai will be this way. Maybe, I will continue to hold on for as long as I can. Regardless of everything that has been going around, all those comments I’ve read, those hurtful words I have heard from people out there, I’d still hold on to those promises that I’d made to the One Above, for as long as I can. ' Kerna sekali cinta, ku tetap cinta. ' And I just got to know about this actually. click here if you wish. Thank you so much kawan. Yearp thats basically about it. Phew. (=  |
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