|
>
Kane Nobuhiro
Tagboard
Formspring
Archives
Affiliates
Twitter
|
|
Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Friday, September 24, 2010 @ 3:44 PM | back to the top.
i still need you.
I could not sleep the whole night yesterday. We had a quarrel the day before, and she said she had given up on us. That was why, I could not sleep thinking that she might really mean it this time round. and that was why i stayed up the whole night to do a self-reflection. I so wanted to correct everything, and i realised that it ws entirely my fault. I had already planned to meet her in the day, to seek for her forgiveness, and to save our relationship.12pm: Started on writing a letter. A letter which I wrote every single feelings that i had of her, accompanied by an apology at the end. I just do not know how im supposed to give it to her, cause i dont even think she'll need it, if she really is bent on giving up. But i thought, i'll just do my part, and the rest I'll leave it all up to her, whether she will want to read or not. 3pm: Took me 3 hours to finish writing a single letter. once I'm done, I texted her, though half-heartedly, cause I know she was in school, and I dont wanna disturb her. Nevertheless, i just texted her to say whether she would agree to my final request, to let me meet her for the last time. But, i knew the reason i wanted to meet her was that I wanted to pass her the letter, and for me to meet her personally to apologise, and to see whether do I still have a chance or not. Initially, she said no, cause she has dikir training. But i said I dont mind teman-ing her, and to walk her home, even if its for the last time. my text message to her was,"Tell you what. I'll just be at the taxi stand by 6pm, and I'll just wait for you there, until you come. it's up to you whether you wanna meet me or not kay. I'll just be there aniway." Done with that, I took my time to get ready and at exactly 5pm, I went out of the house. I didnt want to be late of course, since she said she's finishing school at 530pm. 545pm: Reached Sengkang, and I took my time to walk over at the taxi stand knowing that she might have just finished school. Once i reached the place, I sat at the corner of the stairs nearby, waiting patiently for her to arrive. 645pm: It was already close to an hour, and yet she is still nowhere to be seen. I was anxious cause I did not know whether has she arrived in Sengkang yet, or has she gone straight to her training place. I resisted on calling her, cause i have told myself not to. So, the only thing that I could do at that point of time was to continue waiting. I said to myself that if by 7pm, she is still not here, then I shall call kak Farah to ask whether she is already at the the training place or not. In the mean time, I continued to put whatever words that I had in mind together, so that I wont be at a lost if she really did came. 7pm: I had no choice but to call Kak farah, and asked. Thankfully, she picked up and she said that shida has not arrived yet. That cheered me up a bit, cause there was still a chance that I might get to meet her after all. Just as i put down the phone, well guess what, I didnt realise that she was already standing right there, in front of me, together with Carmel. 730pm: "Can i talk to you for a while?" "but im alreadly late for training." "then, can I talk while walking with you then? I wont go up to your training place, i promise." "ok.' There was complete silence for the first few minutes. I didnt know what to say, even though I have already planned everything out. After a few quick glances of her, and after composing myself, I said to her. "awak, awak maseh marah dekat sayer?" " i dont know " "awak maseh bingit pasal semalam ker?" "i dont know " "sayer tahu sayer salah, sayer nak mintak maaf kat awak skarang nih." and this was the part which broke my heart. "i know, i dah maafkan you. i pun harap you maafkan i. tapi my answer will still be the same, im giving up." sakit hati ni biler dengar dier cakap macam gitu. I knew she wanted to end this, but to be there with her and listening to her words in person, ya allah.. only god knows how I felt at that point of time. "jangan lah sampai gitu awak. sayer maseh sayangkan awak. awak dah tak sayang sayer ker?" " i still do. but im toning it down, to as a friend." I didnt realise that at this point, my tears already came out flowing, and I tried so hard to fight back, cause I really dont want her to see that I was crying. So, i kept talking to her in the hope that she would changed her mind. But she was adamant to call it quits this time round. and before i realised it, we were already close to her training place. that was it, i need to do something quick, cause its now or never. I stopped her from going, and we stopped for the moment to let me talk to her. " all i ask you is to give me one final chance, to prove to you that i'll change, for you, for us. please? " " i've given you lots of chances, but its still the same. we still fight every single day." " That's the part where I'm wrong. I realised it now. thats why im pleading for you to give me a chance. I will change, I can swear to you right now, please. anything, just dont walk away from me." Out of a sudden, she gave me a hug. I didnt know what that means, but it definitely was comforting, so i replied by putting my arms around her as well. then she said to me. " I have already forgiven you, syai. I hope you can forgive me as well, but im tired of all the fights. I have decided, and im sticking to it. Im sorry. we can still be friends kan, syai? we will still text each other. I will try to find a time to call you, okay? " I went down on my knees, upon hearing those words. she told me to get up, seemingly embarassed that people were watching. I couldnt, cause i dont have any more strength within me to do anything, let alone standing up. I was already tired at that point of time. she said she was alreadly late for training. I got back up, she salam-ed and walked away, before shouting to her that I am gonna wait for her at the same spot, until she has finished training. my heart breaks just looking at her walking further and further away from me, and she didnt even for once looked back. 830pm: I sat down at the same spot where she left me, thinking about what I was supposed to do right now, since i have already tried my best but still fail to change her mind. I was all alone by myself, and i wasnt in the right frame of mind to think rationally. I had even wished that a car would just... come speeding up towards me, and hitting me hard. Cause the place where i sat was at the kerb of a roadside, and there were vehicles going past me. so yeah. I really could not think of what to do next. 9pm: It has finally made sense to me that, it was of no use if she has really decided to call it quits. nak ker taknak, aku terpakse ikut kehendak dier. at that point of time, I know i have to let go of her. I Texted kak farah to tell shida that i'm still there waitng for her to finish training.then this was the reply, " cida cakap, suruh balek. dier dah taknak syai lagy." tell me, how was i supposed to feel upon getting this kind of reply? I kept quiet, at least i knew that she knew i was still waiting for her. 945pm: I saw the others slowly coming out, so i prolly guess that training was done. then suddenly, a text message came, from kak farah. " go home. i dont wanna talk to you. i am still sticking to my decision. this is my closure, im sorry." " i know, shida. im not asking you for anything else now. dah alang2 syai maseh kat sini. can i please walk you home, for the last time? " this text reply really hurts me. "well, i guess.. there's no harm for a friend to send me home." she came to me shortly after, and i walked just a little bit behind, cause i do not want her to catch me looking at her. that walk has to be surely the saddest part of all. so much memories. We used to hold hands while walking back. now we don't. We used to laugh and joke with each other along the way, now we didnt even talk. I kept looking back; is this really the last time im able to do all this? I walked extra slow upon nearing to Sengkang bus interchange, cause honestly i would not want to see her go. We waited for her bus 87 to arrive, while i was busy looking for the bus, hoping that it would never come at all. impossible, i know. We didnt really talked much, just standing there side by side. my heart was beating faster and faster, knowing that the bus will come soon. well then the bus finally came. she gave me one final hug, before saying "baik-baik jalan." I couldnt bear to look a her straight in the eye, i gave her a half-hearted smile, and she proceeded on to board the bus, knowing that this might be the last ever time i hear from her. And then i didnt know why, but I actully followed my heart instinct to board the bus as well. I went up the double-decker, and said to her, "sayer hantar awak balek, boleh?" "okay..." 1035pm: that last journey together. "awak penat?" "okay okay luh..." "nak baring kat sayer?" "no, takper.. tak penat." "boleh awak baring kat sayer?" "whatever for?" "err, saye nak. awak baring kat saye. please, last time?" she smiled, before proceeding to lie on my shoulder. i asked her whether can i put my arms around her, just for that last time. she agreed. not long after, she fell asleep. it pains me knowing that, all of these little things, it will be the last time. I was crying my heart out while watching her sleep. I gently hold her hand, releasing it quickly when she started to move, cause i know i no longer have that privillege anymore. There was so much things i wanted to tell her, but i dont want to hear what she has to reply, cause i know, it'll still be the same reply. so i guess this was the only time i could tell her, even if she's not awake. When i was sure she was soundly asleep, i gave a forehead kiss before placing her hand at my heart. " awak, sayer betul2 sygkan awak. sampai nyer hati awak suruh saye lepaskan awak. saye dah janji nak sehidup semati dengan awak, kenape ni harus menjadi kesudahannye? u, please realise that this heart. it beats for you. sayer dah tak tahu lagy dah, macam mana saye nak terus hidup, knowing that you wont be there anymore with me? saket hati ni shida. saye janji dengan awak, kalau ni benar2 kali yang terakhir, saye mohon maaf, awak atas kesilapan saye. saye doakan awak akan bertemu dengan lelaki yang jauh lebih baik dari saye, awak. saye sayangkan awak, shida..." FOr memories sake, i took a picture of us together, for that last time. Also, that was the time, i managed to slip my letter that i have made in her bag which was just beside me. just after that, she started to move and i quickly put her hands down , wiped my tears away. And she woke up. "were you crying?" "no, i selseme." "awak, awak will you delete me from facebook?" "no, i wont shida." "really? will you block me then?" i kept quiet, not knowing how to answer that. Really, i did not know how to answer that tough question. And so, it was time to alight. every steps nearing to her home, my sadness grew deeper. I didnt want to cry no more, but i just couldnt help it. And when we finally reach her block, she salam-ed me and went into the lift, before waving me a final goodbye....  the last picture, i secretly took. purely for memories sake. i know you'll be reading this, im sorry for taking your picture without asking. And that was how my love story ended. If you managed to read all the way until here, I thank you for taking the time. good day everyone. |
| © (kane nobuhiro's space.) |
