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Kane Nobuhiro
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Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 @ 10:00 PM | back to the top.
the heart speaks...
" Syai! Cheer up alright! " " Hey syai! Why your blog now all so emo emo one ah? " And all that I could muster was to smile at these two classmates of mine from the previous semesters. Wow. There are friends who actually read my blog eh? I knew that my close friends do read my space; Siti, bea, just to name a few. But those words came from friends, who I’d least expect to visit my blog mainly because we seldom keep in touch. Which got me thinking actually; So who actually does visit my blog other than those which I know of? I really wonder... And I’m being really open right now. This space of mine here is the only option that I have to jot down my true feelings. Emo emo post? Maybe you guys see it that way, which I don’t really blame you guys because... you’re just not me. I just need you guys to know that every single post here is just an expressive thought of how my day has gone and how actually I’ve been all these while. It feels like... it is only through this space of mine here where I can truly be myself and just let everything go. Be it whether I’m sad, be it I’m happy, or angry. This is the space where I let you all in into the syai that I am now. That’s the reason why I’m restricting myself to twitter and my blog, and not in FB. Because I know I may just create unwanted attention or worst, ‘irritate’ some people, or should I say, a person, with all those what you call them, ‘emo shoutouts?’ which would defineitely appear in the live feeds. I am pretty much covering up my own butt here; because like what I’ve been saying time and time again, you can choose not to visit my blog if anyone of you here is ‘affected’ by it, which I don’t know why or how that is even possible. =) And I’ll say it again; these ‘emo emo’ posts that I’d wrote, those quotes and pictures, every single one of them... is for that one girl whom I’d loved so much. It’s not appropriate for me to name this girl, because of the fact that she has apparently found my replacement, and I’m still here wishing how things could have turned out differently between us. Just know that this girl had existed in my life, before. I’m happy for her that she’s able to move on with someone new now. But at the same time, I hope you guys too will realise how painful it is for me to be typing that sentence down, when I’m still very much ________? yeah, that's it. Contradicting much? I’m sorry. You know, sometimes I really wonder why is it that, I have to really consider what people might think or say before every time I’ll post anything. It’s like... I’m always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone to let them know exactly what is in my head, and to keep it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so just pushes people away, no matter if they’re always there to listen, there is only so much my friends, my best friends, can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison myself from the inside out. It is to ignore who I am and losing myself. And I just do not know know which would be better? To have friends thinking that I’m melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic... or to just drown myself in my own mind. And yup, to think back, it’s really funny why people are able to say that ‘syai so emo’ now with all these posts, but when other human beings out there does the same thing, they will not have the same reaction to it. There are thousands or even millions human beings out there, right now at this minute who is undergoing the same shit, just like I am. But they are entitled to their freedom of expression on their own spaces, but I don’t. No, I’m not asking for sympathy dear friends, all I ask from whomever you are which might still be reading this, is to read if you want, and then just leave it as it is. As much as I hate to admit this, but it got me affected when people get the wrong idea, when the only thing that I did was to completely honest. I can only admit it to myself; it’d still hurt. They all said I would feel better in time, that the pain will fade and that I will get over it. But the thing is I have not moved on. I have not forgotten a thing; every single memory, every conversation, every phone call, every hug, every single little thing that I could recall so clearly in my mind. Every single time I tried to let it go, try to forget all the things that once were, my mind let me down. I could not forget any part of that old life. Because it was then that I was happy. And now that she’s gone, of course I’m so undoubtedly miserable that I held on to every single thing. My happiness, her, everything. It sucks knowing that I tried so hard, that I know that I need to let go, but I just can’t. Because I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. I am just another human being here. I feel and think the same way as you guys. I have my own flaws too, my imperfections. I laugh, I smile, and I cry just like anyone of you. It’s just that I can’t make myself feeling truly happy with these feelings inside me. I’m really exhausted trying to pretend being okay, when I’m actually not. And to think I could still have that strength within me to hide it in front of all my friends in campus. Just like you guys, I’m as clueless as to how long syai will be this way. Maybe, I will continue to hold on for as long as I can. Regardless of everything that has been going around, all those comments I’ve read, those hurtful words I have heard from people out there, I’d still hold on to those promises that I’d made to the One Above, for as long as I can. ' Kerna sekali cinta, ku tetap cinta. ' And I just got to know about this actually. click here if you wish. Thank you so much kawan. Yearp thats basically about it. Phew. (=  |
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