His story™

Please Take Note.

Kane Nobuhiro™

People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell,
but they want everyone to know.

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posted on Sunday, October 3, 2010 @ 3:15 AM | back to the top.

11 days.

And so, I eventually went ahead to Chuchu's Hari Raya show at KCC. Inintially, I really did not feel like going. For the simple reason that I have already imposed a self-ban on going to Bedok. But thinking back, I have to go through it, sooner or later since I have no choice, really. My training place is reaaaally near to her house, and I really dont want to start having all those flashbacks if I'm there. Nevertheless, I still decided on going, to see for myself if I could handle it. I came prepared though, with the New Paper in my hand, to keep myself distracted from all that thought.

But it was not to be. I read every single page of the paper, slowly. But yet I managed to finish reading every article just as I reached Tampinese. sucks a lot. So, i braced myself for the worst, just before bus 168 turns in from bedok reservoir.

And that was it. Just as soon as I reached her busstop, where I usually alight to meet her, all those memories came back, one by one. I thought I'd saw her walking down there, from the top of the bus. But it was just my imagination. I thought about how frequent I used to alight at that busstop, and how she used to be late for our meetup, and then giving me the apologetic-yet-cute face as she rushed over from afar, knowing that I have already arrived. Haha. those times..

Upon reaching, I rushed over to a block nearby CC, to meet... someone. My purpose was to actually pass her some money, to thank her for whatever that she has done for me, all this while. Managed to talk to her for a while and I really could not help but broke down as I'm listening to her updates. Shortly after that, I bade farewell and made my way to KCC.

Since it was still early, made myself busy by helping around with the arrengement of chairs and all. I even had time to solat Asar in the CC, for my first time ever. Mat nor, as funny as he always been, was actually quite surprised. haha.

" Mat noh, kao tawu arah kiblat maner tak, noh? "

*giving me the surprised look and then laugh*
" arah kiblat ke arah sini. Hahahaha! Alhamdulilah pul, sekian lame ni.. taubat jugak lah kao ni. Mentang-mentang dah de ma'am jager kau, baru nak taubat ker pul? insyaallah, aku doakan korang kekal lah yer... hahahaha!! "

*gave that heart-hearted smile, before telling him*
"Dah takde lagy noh.. dah takde dah."

" HUH?!?! dah takde, kenape lah ni pulak??"

I just walked away after that.

He kept asking me, what actually happened to the both of us. I just told him that, she has grown tired of all the fights and no longer wishes to continue this relationship. Knowing how his perangai is, he tried to make jokes and stuff, but yeah, honestly it does not help much. haha. SOrry noh. I broke the news to him, that I am considering to quit dikir barat altogether, or at the very least, taking time off for a while. He immediately told me not to quit, cause he said, it'll be foolish of me to do so. He said this to me,"aku dah berape tahun kenal kao pul, aku tahu minat kau dalam seni ni macam mana. jangan kerana ini aje, kao nak berhenti berseni. Pikir pasal kumpulan pul.. " Sigh. It hit me hard by his words actually. Even someone realised how passionate I am about dikir barat, I thought nobody did. To stop my passion just because of this, I dont think it'll be sucha great idea. BUt yeah, pikir pikir balek, I really cannot do this. Sedangkan turun Bedok aje tao, dah susah. Apa lagy future comps? Get what im tryna say?

Well, it was then time to change to our baju kurung. When everyone's done, we had to gather outside, and that was the another hard part. When I got outside, I saw adek and his new ma'am, Baby's ma'am, Ella and yunos's wifey. It got me flashing back to the recent Chuchu's raya outing, where all those ladies were present, including mine. And that was really saddening. Sigh. After kompang, I chosed to stay outside, while the rest went in to dine andmingle with their loved ones.

Outside, I kept thinking of all the good times we both shared. Terbayang-bayang jugak lah kan, si dier datang dari jauh to meet me at KCC. Couldnt take it any longer, I decided to text her. I wrote a super long text message, telling her how much I miss her so, and then when I wanted to click on the 'send' button, I finally realised.. that I no longer have her number anymore. Imagine how fucked up I felt at that point of time? oh yes.

Once I'm done with the dikir show, I went up to the room to get changed. I don't feel like staying any longer, cause it was too much for me to handle. And as I was about to go down via the side staircase, that was where I saw it. There is this block just beside KCC, and she likes to study there, since it was peaceful and quiet. As I went down the staircase, I was reminded of that recent meetup, just before we broke up, where I accompanied her at that very same block for her DnT revision. I stop for a while, look over at that spot for a good 5 minutes, before I made my way to Bedok interchange, quickly.

On my way back home in bus 168, I looked out of the window as it arrived at her busstop, once again. It reminded me of that loooooooooooong stretch of pathway that I used to walk, just to get to her house. As the bus leaves its bay, I did the unthinkable; I texted mummy. To ak how she was and stuff. Yeah, I did that. Surprisingly.

Well, that was how I actually spent my day yesterday. I still am considering whether or not to carry on with my passion. I may have to seriously consider about it. I know, it might upset some people with my decision, if I choose not to continue. But please, I beg you. To please spare a thought about my feelings, and the situation I am in. No one knows how difficult it is for me to be going through all this, except for my own self. Everyone can go "syai, be strong okay...", or "Let it go syai.. and move on, cheer up!" and stuff like that.

Please, dont tell that to me. Instead, tell that to this stubborn heart of mine.

To you...

Awaq. I know you might be reading all of these some day. That is exactly why I didnt choose to private my blog this time round. Cause I WANT you to read all this. I'm sorry if im making you even more angry by writing all this down. I dont have any hopes of being together with you, awaq. My only hope right now is that, you would one day.. miss us, and text me to tell me how you are. It has been exactlt 11 painful days since I last hear your voice. This is not the way it should be awaq, even if you really just want us to remain friends, only. I'm forgetting you, its hard. But Im trying, believe me. Just give me that opportunity to try to feel, how it feels like to smile again. Please. I hope you're doing pretty alright over there, and I'm sure you are. Take good care of yourslf okay?

Sorry for all these recent emo post friends, I hope you guys understand the situation I am in now. In aniway, I didnt force any of you to read it either. Ohwells. Have a nice day everyone. May Allah bless you guys. Amin.

[ and i'm done ]

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