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Kane Nobuhiro
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Please Take Note.
 People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know. I don't own any of these pictures unless I state them. All photos and quotes on this blog are the properties of the respectful owners.Anyone wishing for their works to be credited please contact me via formspring or the tagboard itself. thank you. |
posted on Thursday, January 14, 2010 @ 9:43 PM | back to the top.
gonna bare it all, right here right now.
Okay my fellow loyal readers, since today i am quite free ( no dikir training, so reached home way early today ), i guess I'll just do a proper post this time and let out my whatever feelings i am having in this space of mine here. so, bear with me alright?So, to be honest. there are hell lot of things running through my mind. but the problem is, i just dont know where to begin with. Sometimes i feel happy, and the next thing, i can be so sad that i just keep to myself. Maybe its just one of those days, where you are being bothered with a lot of things, that you just keep to yourself. Even some of my friends noticed me being very quiet in school, and i admit that too. It sucked a lot yknow, not being yourself and have all these shits in your head. Friends.. Speaking of which, I too realized that our friendship ain't as close as it used too be. I feel that i have lost just as many friends as I've gained new ones, but these are the bunch of people which i treasure most and I least expected things to turn out this way. I don't really remember what had lead to this to happen, but it sucks, big time. Usually, i have my friend to wake me up to school, to walk to school together, be it whether we were late or early for school. Usually, i have my friends to lunch together during the first break, which i really look forward to, as it will be the only time where i can be my real self, the real syai my former classmates had known me to be, and Usually, there will be the Gamelan training after school and the jokes aplenty with the same friends, as well as the walk to the Woodlands MRT station together after each Gamelan practices where we will sing and shout at the field walkway like nobody's business. Now, everything changed. No more wake up calls, no more betting of 'siaper last sampai tempat biase, blanja air coke 1.5litres eh!', no more of the familiar laughter which i've known. Now, i seldom eat during first breaks, sometimes going down alone or with my new classmates, and going to Gamelan practices and keeping to myself. I guess people changed, don't they? Everybody makes new friends, and these things happens all the time, and i guess i just have to accept it. Yes, maybe i should. maybe i should just accept how it is, and have new better friends. Maybe so. But i miss them. All of them, in fact. You, You and definitely, You. Never mind. At least i feel better after writing down these shits. Great. " When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen " Shattered Smile, Broken Heart.. This is something which is not new, but yeah it is still running in my head. I am a total failure. Many times have i told myself to look forward and never to reminisce about the past, and many times have i failed to do so. Here, I am talking about this one girl, just an average girl-next-door which has made a tremendous impact on my life ever since we crossed each others' path in life. I do not understand why it is so damn effing difficult for me to move on and to forget about this girl, when it looked like she is now happier than ever living her own life? Love really made a fool out of me not once, not twice, but countless of times. Many times have i felt like giving up on it, and to focus more about other important stuff. But, it will come again once in a while, and there it goes again; another vicious cycle for me, just waiting stupidly, hoping she'll take notice of me and secretly hoping they can be at least friends, like how it used to be. Yes, i admit sometimes, i get jealous when i see my friend's (couple) being so lovingly to each other. yes, great i admit to it. because sometimes i feel, why it could never happen to me? After all, i am just like any other human beings on earth, who has feelings too and wants that opportunity to love, and be loved as well. A simple song, yet it displays how i am exactly feeling all this while. check it out. " Aku hanyalah manusia biasa Yang tak pernah lepas dari khilaf Kumencoba merubah segalanya Mungkin ada kesempatan Aku juga merasa ingin dicinta Disanjung dipeluk selamanya Kalau memang kusalah berikan maaf Demi sumpah cinta yang pernah kita ucapkan " ~'manusia biasa' by radja~ Dikir Barat.. As always, i have been busy with dikir barat ever since forever. Though i am not complaining since it is something which i love to do, and have an undying passion for it. But sometimes there are just this much that I can take in, and its taking a toll on me. With the upcoming competition drawing nearer(on the 31st of January) , trainings have been real intensive and imagine how I have to rush from woodlands to Bedok and back home most of the days, and I have to juggle between school assignments, Gamelan Practices and this? As much as I do not like revealing too much about the personal stuff of my team, i guess the only way for me to vent my frustration is writing it down right here, right now. I have been in this dikir barat scene ever since I was in Sec2, with the same team up to now. And yeah, so may changes can be seen in the team, then and now. Seriously i hate how it is now. Teammates becoming more 'naik lemak' , 'keras kepala' , 'step maner nyer star aje' and many more. adding to that, that 'big boss' who have that F*** UP attitude . I had never liked him, to be honest. the way he talks, his attitudes, SUCKS BIG TIME. Ever since he took over from Tok, things became like this. And he will never have my respect, not even if he is up there in the so called 'hierarchy' rank, because to simply put it, he does not deserve it. We are just less than 3 more weeks to the upcoming comp and we are still not yet finished with the Juara set. From the looks of it, Not many are concerned about this, but I do. and some still have the cheek to come to trainings late, and the best part is they laughed and joked and do all that nonsense during training time, as if the competiton is 2 months away. And right here, right now I have to reveal that ........... many times have i considered leaving the team, to join another group. I swear that intention have crossed my mind, countless of times. But, i chose not to. Why? because akuu ni maseh jiwe samer Chuchu, dengan korang korang nii and I still remember Atok's words to us. " Kalau korang rase korang nak peng group lain, pergy. Tok tak halang. Tapi, korang kene ingat. Siape yang ajar korang korang ni, yang satu bender haram pun tak tahu tentang dikir barat, yang ajar korang aper itu tepok sepuloh, dan mana korang berada sekarang ni? ingat dari mana asal usul korang. " That's why, i have been in this team for 5 straight years and i am still with the team. because of his words. And I Don't Care About What They Are Going To Say About This As I Know There Will BE Some Chuchu's Reading This, But This Is My Freaking Space And I Write Whatever That I Want To. So Please Chuchus, whorever that might be reading this, please buck up. Everybody needs to co-operate if we want things to be done on time. "Yang Penting Bukan Dimana Kita Bermula, Tapi Dimana Kita Berakhir...." And i feel slightly better after all these shits that i have wrote down. I hope things will get better for me and for the rest of my friends after this post, insyaallah amin~ gonna have my rest now, last day of school tomorrow for the week, and then back to dikir trainings in the evening. So to my fellow readers, thank you for spending the time reading it, and I'll see you in the next post. Good night everyone. |
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