My life, Syai's story.

Symbol of the love. Our love story .

2011-12-06T18:22:00.007+08:00

" At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone, and just walk away. It's not like you are giving up, and it's not like you did not try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. "

Have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we sleep? We whisper the words in the dark, telling ourselves that we're happy, or that he/she is happy, that people will eventually change their minds. We try to feel better by reminding ourselves that we can live without the people that have left. Each night before we fall asleep, we lie to ourselves in the hope that comes morning, it will all be true...

[ And I'm done ]

Ajal & Maut, Allah Yang Tentukan.

2011-11-21T19:08:00.004+08:00

Dad, what if i have to go for dialysis in the future?
Mum, what if I needed a minor operation?
Would you be angry with me for these expensive treatments?

Everyone will leave this world eventually, and that I am pretty sure of. It's just a matter of when that will be. All I know is that I am not ready to face Allah yet, and also for the fact that I have not really repaid both ayah and mama countless efforts in bringing their two child up. Y'know, I want to be just like any other male persons out there; Growing up and facing countless life's hurdles, having a stable job with a stable income, able to have a house of my own with both my own family and parents living together, going back home after work for dinner with the whole family. I want to feel how it feels like having big responsibilities on my shoulders. And I long for the day I can finally tell mama & ayah that its time for them to have their deserved break and let their only son take care of them.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Maybe I'm being to far-fetched into predicting what will happen in the near future, just like what ayah says. But I know, we both know, something even much more worse is bound to happen if it's not treated now. Its a fact I really cannot deny. This pain has been niggling on for the past one week and it's not getting any better. I have made up my mind to go and have a visit to the family doctor tomorrow, if the pain is still unbearable. Just like how it is right now, at this very minute. And from there, I will find out more.

Regardless of whatever the condition is, if it needs be that I have to go for any sort of minor operation or even further specialist check ups, I would flatly and immediately reject that idea. Yes, I am that scared to go for an op, however minor it will be. And also, I just do not want to waste any more of ayah & mama money. I have troubled them enough throughout my 21 years of life already.

Well, we all will eventually die don't we?

Let's just accept it.

('=

[ And I'm done ]

Count me out.

2011-10-31T23:20:00.005+08:00

Well, I tried my best to hold on and fight for what I'd believed in. But it's come to a point where I see no point in fighting a losing battle. As long as I know my consciences is clear, and that all I ever wanted was for the best for all, I'll walk off with my head held high.

I know people condemn me for the things I do, but I wanted to show and prove to them that I can do just equally, or even better than the people who think too highly of themselves. All I needed was an opportunity, but unfortunately it wasn't given. No, I'm not giving up. Just gonna wash me hands of it, and let things take care by itself. I did the best, gave my fucking best, so I've no regrets come whatever the end result would be.

Apart from that, I feel like giving it my final shot. Yes, my last & final shot. And after that, I'll be serving the nation and straight after I have to plan for my future as well. So, it seems like this would be my finale. Or perhaps, should i say my finale with them?

So, don't be surprised if I walk off and say goodbye.. and see me with another group of people the next time round. Possibile? Just watch this space.

Till my next post,
salams.

[ and I'm done ]

wah! wah!

2011-10-18T19:54:00.003+08:00

An advanced birthday gift from mama.
Thank you so much, thats a first from you.
And I appreciate that a lot.

So goodbye Moto, and...
hello Samsung!

=D

[ and I'm done ]

jatuh bangun, bersatu hati.

2011-10-04T00:20:00.004+08:00

"My friends are like a deck of cards, they come in kings and queens, red and black,
six and seven, but if one is missing, the deck won't work...and that is friendship."

When people don’t get our jokes,
I don’t think of it as a “you had to be there” kind of thing,
more of a “you had to be mentally retarded like us” kind of thing.
(=

Stay as one y'all.
It's certainly has been an honour to be friends with each of you guys.
We'll meet again soon, InsyaAllah.
Bila Bila ooi!

And I'm gonna miss you too.
Study hard in school alright, jangan luper kan si syai ni yer!
(:

[ and I'm done ]

berakhir sudah.

2011-10-01T23:56:00.001+08:00

Mengapa ada dusta
Tika cinta melanda sukma
Tika setia diombak resah
Masihkah ada bahagia

Mengapa ada dia
Tika rindu padamu saja
Tika restu untukmu jua
Akhirnya aku yang merana

Mengapakah aku diluka
Derita kerana sebuah cinta
Yang sekian lama kita bina
Inikah sumpah setiamu
Terhadapku setia selalu
Ke akhir hayatmu
Ternyata palsu

Kuterima semua ini
Sudah kehendak takdir Ilahi
Berakhirlah semua kini
Episod cinta ini...
Menjadi sebuah memori

Dan jangan ada benci
Tika kesal menggamit hati
Tika segan menyentuh jiwa
Anggaplah lumrah dunia

[ and I'm done ]

forgiven, but not forgotten

2011-09-23T02:32:00.005+08:00

It's been exactly one year now.
I'm just surprised that I'm still breathing.

do you even remember?

[ and I'm done ]

Trauma

2011-09-14T08:12:00.007+08:00

".... When you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, it's the hardest thing you could ever go through. And no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. Yo may think you're getting better, but really you're just trying to make yourself believe that you are going to. And when you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, it hits you back all at once, like a stab in your chest. You fall apart again, and you just feel like wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out again. You love that person with all of your heart, they hurt you worse than you have ever been hurt. They stole your happiness, but yet. Yet, you still want them, only them. Other people come along, giving you chances to move on, but you know deep down, you don't want to. It upsets you that you have to move, because you promised you never would. And even though they'd broke all of the promises made, you still want to keep yours. But that's not what matters the most...

Simply said, you're terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. "

That probably sums up the whole mess I am in now. I sincerely apologize to you, dear friend. You, yes you. As i see it, you came into my life at the wrong time, when I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I just don't wish to go through the sufferings I had. No, no more of that please. I came a freaking long way before I can slowly get back up in life, even then I am still very much haunted from my past. I do not want to jeopardize that by jumping into another shithole. You know my story. But you were not there to see those sufferings, that suicidal attempts, that I stupidly put myself into and having to go through insults after insults for the past one year just to forget that someone I love so much in the past.

You're a very nice girl that I have to admit. Come to think of it, we could have been happy together by now, if I have not met that few wrong people back then which caused me to lose my trust in relationships. And you. you're just too good for me. In fact, I think a person as sweet as you are, deserves a guy who is a whole lot better than Syai. Circumstances has it that, try as I may, I am still unable to open up myself to a whole new possibilities of happiness between us.

I want my next relationship with a girl to be an exciting journey together, where she will stick by me through thick and thin come what may, whom I eventually will marry, and have a happy family together. I am not up for those kind of stories that we're so accustomed to hearing nowadays, where relationships only last for a few months, weeks or even days. Label me for all I care, but that is how I value my lovelife, to be her last. Syai merancang, tapi Tuhan yang menentukan. Seandainye Dia jodohkan kiter berduer, akan pastinyer kiter bersama juga akhirnye.

But for now adeq manis, I'm really really sorry.

[ and I'm done ]

rewind back the times.

2011-09-11T15:20:00.003+08:00

But... until when?

[ and I'm done ]

first day.

2011-08-31T01:05:00.002+08:00

The one thing I look forward to on the first day of Raya.

[ and I'm done ]

Its Hari Raya!

2011-08-29T19:15:00.001+08:00

Wassssssssssssssup people!!

Like finally, UT3 is over! wooohoo! UT3 was okay for me, I felt that the first 3 modules was pretty much doable as I did revised for it, but the last module FOM was a serial killer. I hope I clear that module. I do not want to spend a semester having to repeat that. Noooo. So aniway, I shall not gonna talk so much about it cause I really do not want to think about it anymore. Like what orang-orang kata lah kan 'yang sudah tu sudah...' hahaha! Finger-cross, I really hope that would be my last UT I am gonna take, cause I'm really getting sick and tired of that school already. Hahaha. Aniway, oh! Did I mention I got an interview for an intership with AirAisa? Hehe! Well, Earlier on I got JetStar cabin crew internship, but I guess takde rezki lah kan. I dont mind any companies though, just as long I do get into an internship and I'll be fine. There's still possibility that I might not get into internship though, and still have to come back to school for the final semester. So, wish me luck I do get into the internship okay friends!

Done with that. So after today, I can proudly say that another Ramadhan has gone by where I managed to fast the full month for 11years now! wooohooo! Ramadhan has gone, and here comes the month of Syawal, the month where we all just love don't we? Hahaha! This year's red for me, and I pretty much like the baju raya tahun ni. menambahkan ke-cute-an sayer jer nih. Conform! hahaha!

Okaylah,
Syai nak ambil kesempatan ini untuk menyusun sepuluh jari jemari untuk meminta maaf kepada semuer kawan kawan, yang sudi singgah dan rajin menyinggah ke blog saye yang tak sebeberape ni. Ampunkan lah segala kesalahan syai ni yer, baik yang sengaje ataupun yang tidak sengaje, kalau syai terlebih gurau ke, kalau pernah tersinggung perasaan biler syai post kat blog ni ker, dah segala2 Ter yang sewaktu dengannyer lah yer. Akhir kata, syai pun hanya manusia biasa yang akur pada kesilapan. Sedangkan Nabi ampunkan umatnyer, apatah lagi diri kita ini, untuk menahan diri dari memaafkan mereka yang bersalah pada kita.
(=

Selamat Hari Raya Kawan-kawan...

jom main bunger api!

"Pupul rindu neneq sangat-sangat. Raya tahun dah masuk tahun ke dua tak dapat makan ayam rendang neneq. Pupul selalu ingat neneq, tapi neneq sampai sekarang tak datang dalam mimpi pun? Sampai hati neneq.. Maafkan pupul atas kesilapan pupul yang dulu yer. Moga neneq dalam keadaan yang senang dan gembira bersame Atok dimana sahje neneq berada sekarang ni.. Selamat Hari Raya, neneq. Tunggu tao nanti pupul datang tengok neneq!"
('=

[ and I'm done ]

back to square one.

2011-08-25T01:41:00.003+08:00

That hand-on-chest moment as it goes by....

makes me realised one thing;

That all these while I was trying so hard to convince myself

that I am okay.

Gosh, I freaking miss you.

[ and I'm done ]

a year on.

2011-08-21T01:43:00.001+08:00

Happy 18th, awaq.
('=

[ and I'm done ]

i get around.

2011-08-18T21:35:00.003+08:00

Really sorry for I have not been updating this space of mine here for a period of time. I've been really busy, and still am, that I had to neglect this blog here. Since today I got home earlier than I usually have, so here I am to write something redundant just so it wont be so dead. Hahaha!

Well, my FYP final assessment is finally over! Though the outcome was not how I had expected it to be, but still it is a load off my mind knowing that it is over now. Here, I would like to extend my appreciation to each and every single FYP teammates for the job well done. I apologise if I have ever been a pain in the neck for you guys, but overall I think we did real great. Now, I sure hope I wont have to do anymore FYP 2 come next semester, but if I really have to, then I for sure would be reminded of the great times I have spent with you guys. (=

So next focus would be the upcoming UT3 next week. I really have to start studying by now, I got not much time left and I sure must buck up on the fallig grades. Sigh. I dont understand why I just cannot be as hardworking as I was the previous semesters. I will just have to be more disciplined and prioritise my studies for now, InsyaAllah. Well, speaking of which, I just have too much shows coming up. Tomorrow's gelanggang with Makyong Kedek at woodlands Bazaar is up, and I would definitely be there. Will be there, Have to be there. Hehe. So yeah, do come down and watch!

Other than that, I guess Ramadhan for me this year were just the same compared to the previous years, except for the friends and that this year I'm single. Hahahaha. Pejam kelip pejam kelip, dah hari ke 18. Tup Tup Tup... tibalah bulan Syawal. This year, I feel like I have made enemies more than I would imagine. Like I say, it is just something I have no control of. I won't deny it, but I still wish things could have turn out differently to keep that friendship. Whatever it is, I'll just go with the flow and keep on smiling. Yeah~

I'll update again when I'm done with my UT3.
In the meantime, stay healthy readers!

[ and I'm done ]

i can feel it!

2011-08-10T00:07:00.004+08:00

My FYP final assessment is on tomorrow.

I just cannot wait for all of this to end. And when I'm finally done, I will be a free man. Huahuahua! Thanks to each and everyone of my teammates for everything. Sekirenye ade pernah aku ni buat masalah dengan team, mintak maaf yer banyak banyak.

This is it guys, Let's get this over and done with!
Goodluck!
(=

Sumpah taq sabar nak habes yo, then baru boleh tepuk sepuluh tanpa risau!

[ and I'm done ]

dont wanna.

2011-08-03T00:46:00.005+08:00

That explains everything.

Up till today, I have still yet to meet that one lady who could love me for who I am, and not because of reasons that I can... make people smile even when they don't wish to, make them laugh whenever they're feeling down, or for the simple reason that I am someone who is comfortable to be around with. And I cannot help but wonder... What if I do not have all those attributes in me? Who I still be the one for 'em?

And besides that point, I just do not want to ever go through what I had from my previous relationship, ever again. It's like a phobia to me now. I had enough of the torture, of the pains, of that countless sleepless nights, and most importantly, I never want to cry for a girl again. Because now then I find it really stupid. Yes, I tried moving to another after that episode, but alas nothing worked out. But at the very least, it made me let go of that thin rope of wishing and hoping that my used-to-be special someone would somehow wants me back. So, I am actually quite thankful that this happened instead.

I dare not say of what will happen to the both of us, in the future. Because ultimately, it is all up to Him who decides everything. But as for now, I really do not wish to get emotionally attached to anyone, honestly. Because I am tired of the same old lovestory that I'd experienced over and over again;

Falling too deep for a girl whom I thought would go through thick and thin together with me, forever.

I am truly sorry.

[ and I'm done ]

final stretch

2011-07-31T13:49:00.002+08:00

So Piala Raja Panggung organised by Cucu Datuk Merah is happening for the third time ever this year. Just doing my part to help promote it around. The first two PRP had seen so many surprising outcomes, so it makes it all the more exciting to see what will happen next for the third Piala Raja Panggung. Spread the love people!

Tomorrow will be the start of the fasting month, I do hope I get to fast for the whole of Ramdhan this year, just like the previous years ever since I started fasting back in Primary 5. Fuuuh! *proud moment* But this year, the feeling for Ramadha would surely be different, for the fact that it is gonna be the second Ramadhan without my beloved neneq, and that it's gonna be the first Ramadhan without that used to be special someone, awaq. Ingat dulu dulu lagy tuh, buker same2 kat bazaar Woodlands, abeh lepas tu tengok show. Sigh. Sayang sekali. Takpelah, ape nak buat, naseb badaaaan. Ohwells, I take this opportunity to wish all Muslims selamat menyambut bulan Ramadhan yang bakal tiba ni yer.
Puasa tao, jangan taq puasa!

On another note, Chuchu will be having a lot of shows happening during the whole month of Ramadhan, at the Woodlands Bazaar. I might not be playing, for the simple reason that my FYP final assessment date is drawing near. Gosh, I just cannot wait to get this FYP shit over and done with.

After its over, baru boleyy tepuk sepuluh!!
(=

[and I'm done]

Expected the expected.

2011-07-26T00:55:00.007+08:00

Done with Piala Suara Serumpun 4 competition.

After looking at the standard of the performance by all groups on that day, I have got to say both the girls and guys have a lot to do to be anywhere near the rest of them. The positive that came out from this concluded competition is the many new faces up there on stage, and I believe there are a lot of first timers on that day. A good start for all of you, and it was certainly a pleasure to see you all show your stuffs on the day.

As for Endang,
honestly and sincerely, I do feel you guys were capable of doing so so so so much better. True enough, the majority of the people up there are mostly first timers, and again I applaud every single one of you girls for the job well done. Forget about the loss, its over aniway. Rezki kiter esok luse belum tau lagi. Syai pun tak sehebat mane seperti instructors2 yang tunjuk aje you all lah kan, but just a piece of words of wisdom that I wish to share with you all;

Yang penting bukan di mane kita bermula,
tapi di mana kita berakhir....

I expect my boys to be even better than the other schools, InsyaAllah. As long as they keep on believing in themselves that they can do it, just like how I do in every single one of them, it is POSSIBLE. WE will work together and prove to people that you are just as good. Trust me on this part.

[ and I'm done ]

best of luck!

2011-07-23T19:45:00.003+08:00

Piala Serumpun (InterPoly) is on tomorrow. A pity I could not be a part of what could have been my first ever school-level competition, including the boys as well. Hope something good will turn out from here, and that they will go there tomorrow and experience for themselves what it feels like in the dikir arena.

I wish Endang all the best for the competition tomorrow. For all your commitments towards the tough trainings, the scoldings, the pressure.. it's finally here. So just remember to do your best on and for the many first timers, to simply have fun on stage.

Menang atau kalah, tolak tepi dulu, yang penting mesti mao enjoy!
Senyum tu jangan luper iyer.

Wishing all the best for all participants for Piala Serumpun!
Kalau jumpe esok, jangan luper tegur iyer.
(=

[ and I'm done ]

something to ponder.

2011-07-17T21:39:00.004+08:00

If I had a choice, I would rather choose the bonding that we used to sharethan the champion status.
Everything's no longer the same now.

As much as we would want to brush it off, it is something we cannot deny. Like I say many times over and over again, things would never change if no one makes the first move, if no one cares to make a change.

We have not tasted the top yet, mind you. But I believe we can be there one day. Look at the potential we've got, and the achievements so far. It's through each and every one effort that we did it, and we should maintain that way. And not being big-headed. Just look at 'em all. And look at us. If they can maintain and stay at the top for years that have past, just think about it. We CAN be like them..

if only we start to think for the team more than our own self.

Think about it.

[and I'm done]

Macam malas only.

2011-07-12T09:38:00.005+08:00

Today,
I don't feel like doing anything.
=)

Best news that's happened over the past week:

Chuchu's Piala Idola Sensasi 2011 has finally been concluded.
Good job Chuchus!

Second,
got a surprise 'A' for Elaine's module for the first time ever.
This came as a real surprise to me though, considering how much I wanted to partial that day.
Hehehehehe!

UT2 aviation safety & security was easy as ABC. Tutup mata pun boley buat. Hehe!
And I'm confident of getting at least a B for it.
InsyaAllah!

And the best thing of all,
The boys did really great for the *scape show! Been repeating the video over and over again, and I can't stop looking at their slenger mistakes, but still, potential bunch of peoples. Such a pity I could not be a part of them, but its okay. To many shows ahead!

I have a really strong urge to partial Elaine's class today.
Dengar-dengar macam susah nary.
Jom kawan kawan?
Hehehehe!

[ and I'm done ]

all the time.

2011-07-05T21:37:00.004+08:00

Each night I put my head to my pillow.
I keep telling myself how strong I am,
because I've just gone one more day
without you.

[ and I'm done ]

Innalillah wa-inna ilaihi raji'un

2011-07-03T01:45:00.004+08:00

'It's only when we truly know and understand that
we have a limited time on earth,
and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up.
That we will begin to live each day to the fullest,
as if it was the only one we had...'

So, my granduncle just breathed his last yesterday night at around 10plus. Though I am not that close to him personally, but I still do feel sad that a family member of ours just died. And to make things worst, his life was taken away because of the exact same condition my beloved late neneq used to have; end stage renal failure. And seeing how hard he struggled to take each breathe and the heart rate decreasing by the hour, it feels like deja vu.

' Dunia adalah jambatan untuk menuju akhirat. Kehidupan di dunia ini adalah merupakan ujian bagi manusia untuk Allah SWT menilai siapakah yang paling baik amalannya. '

So, treasure your loved ones while they're still around alright.
We'll never know when the time will come for us to go.

My thoughts are with his family right now.
I hope everyone who happens to read this to sedekah kan Al-fatihah for Tok ayok, will you?
Thank you.

[ and I'm done ]

busy week ahead.

2011-06-30T22:23:00.009+08:00

So UT1 finally just ended like only last week,
and UT2's gonna begin the next week.
=________________________=

Sometimes I just don't understand
why RP's system can be so mean to us student at times.
Well, most of the times.

And I came across a video which to me is the perfect solution to urmmm... cheat through the UT!
*check kiri, check kanan, then kiri lagy*

Here's how!

Yeah, that's right.
I got the same reaction as you the first time I watched it.

That aside, I guess life has been pretty much like a rollercoaster ride for me. I have learnt a hell lot of stuffs the past few weeks or so. Whatever there are, I shall have to focus on what I do best and keep reminding myself never to be bothered by things that make me feel unhappy, and to just concentrate on matters that make me smile instead.

I felt special.. Until I saw you talking to everyone like that.
It's not very hard to sacrifice everything for someone, you see.
The hard part is to find that someone who deserve your sacrifice.

Well, what else can I say? This is life.
So i just got to suck it in and go through it every single day,
right in front of my own eye.

Goodmorning July.
hope it'll be a month full of laughters and happiness.
InsyaAllah.

[ and I'm done ]

jar of hearts.

2011-06-25T00:00:00.001+08:00

Happy 17th birthday friend!

It's your special day today,
hope you'll enjoy your day today together with your loved ones.
All the best for your future endeavours alright.
(=

Sorry I could not get any gifts for your birthday,
So I'll prolly thought the least I should do is to wish you through this space of mine right here.

And for the final time,
goodnight to you.

[ and I'm done ]

chapter's closed.

2011-06-24T23:11:00.003+08:00

'At some point of time you will realize that you have done do much for someone,that the only next possible step you should take, is to stop.Leave them alone. Let them be. Walk away from them. It's not giving up, nope. It's not like you shouldn't try, never.It's just meant that it has come to a point where you have to draw the line between determination and desperation.

What is truly yours will eventually be yours.
And what is not, no matter how hard you try, it will never be...'

It's time for me to turn over the page of my life story.

[ and I'm done ]

Remember me?

2011-06-22T23:39:00.005+08:00

Remember me?

I used to your favourite hello, your hardest goodbye. I used to be the person you wanted to talk to the most and miss if you didn't get to see or talk to me. I used to be someone you looked forward after break. I used to be the person you wished to see me smile when I'm down and I used to be the person to make you smile by my silly antics. Yeah, I used to be that person.
Do you still remember me?

And right at this moment,
I miss two very important people in my life.
One who used to be,
and one who I still care for.

Hope they're all doing great, wherever they are right now.

And oh, its the 23rd today?

[ and I'm done ]

jom bentang cerite. nak?

2011-06-21T22:36:00.004+08:00

Are you mad because what I say is an insult to you,

or are you mad that I'm speaking the truth?

First thing first, let me say I was actualy wondering why all that even happened. Because on my part, I really thought it was settled there and then and everything was cleared. But now, everything seemed clear now. So yup, I'm here once again to rectify every single misunderstandings and I wish to put a stop to this.

Okay, I think I might type in a mixture of both english and malay. So, please excuse me. (:

First of all, let me repeat myself time and again that this blog of mine here is my one and only outlet for me to express every single emotions that I may have. And i repeat time and again, I am aware that people do read my blog, so I am mindful of choosing my words and not to mention names for the fact that i don't want to get into trouble with anyone here. It could be any Tom, Dick or Harry which I'm referring to about, isnt it? no?

Okay, let's be upfront here. I know very well that you WILL be reading this post again, but again I will never mention names for the fact that, others will read as well and I do not want the rest to get involved in this. Diorang sumer boleh cakap, pikir, rase ape diorang nak.. but I would prefer to have this one way topic, about you and me, without involving the rest of them.

Next point, Kutuk? Alright. Tell me which ever part of my sentence is an insult to you. the title? Well, I really feel it that way. Like come on, both of us are adults, in the same company, and yet we're having these online arguments about something we both love? perangai kau, perangai aku. samer. tak boleh dinafikan.

Next point, kenape tak letak kat fb? come on, which means to say, everything boleh diselesai kalau aku tulis the exact same sentence, word for word dekat fb? Fb, where eveeeeeeeery single people boleh bace, boleh menilai, and wonder whether kite duer orang ni ade masalah with each other? Sorry, thats not the way. And referring back to the first point, part mane kau rase aku mengutuk ?

Third point, about that particular sentence which u said something about me wanting to take over. You know, aku sememang memangnye, kalau boleh nak copy that sentence down, but again like i say, aku taknak. pasal ape? pasal orang lain pun bace blog ni. so, kalau aku tulis.. confirm2 dorang sumer dah tawu betol? so aku wont. but Im pretty sure you're clever enough to understand which sentence im referring to. So..... okay. Like ape yang kiter bertige dah berbual habes habes-an, dah discuss, dah decide dah settle. aku dah cakap time and time again, yang aku tak pasal kalau kau wants to be the one to lead. All im asking from the 3 of us, is that we decided on matters which requires our experience. Aku still believe that having this kind of system would actually work, if and i say if, we work together. Sumpah kawan, aku bukan nak tunjuk pandai dan aku bukan sikap orang yang giler pangkat okay. Besides, we have decide yesterday, isnt it? even YOU yourself agreed to this agreement together. So, why then did you have to comment that way, as if I wanted everything to myself? Ni part aku tak paham, seriously.

Another point, cakap macam mane punye cakap, aku am still standing to what my own judgements. Yes, aku believe that I am better than you. I said that straight to your face. But never have I mentioned that I would be better at managing than you. Back to my point, dari kiter berperang gini macam, why cant we just work together, for the benefit of the rest. Yes, kau lagy lamer. but what does it prove? so, being in the arena for a longer period of time than me means something? Okay, i do not want to even quarrel with you about this. let's talk about thing that you're unhappy with me. kau kecik hati ker, biler aku cakap aku lagi bagus dari kau pasal tu? Fine, let's prove it together. back in our own company. have that same level of passion you have for ours just like how kau bersungguh2 untuk menaikkan dorang2 nih.

Another point even before kau akan shoot back, the reason why aku choose to 'reply' to kau through here is because aku tak nak bende ni dibesar2kan, diheboh2kan. what initialy started off as a matter between the 3 of us, I am pretty sure that now everyone else knows about this. Let's not lie to ourselves okay. Its all up to you really, if you want to make a big fuss about everything.. sekirenye sampai jugaq ke telinger aku nih yang aku ni gilerkan name, kuasa ataupun pangkat, aku will talk it out with them. The whole lot of you, knows only one side of the story. so dont be too quick to judge me. Lagy sekali aku cakap, aku tulis kat sini dan bukan di fb, bukan kerana aku nak bitch pasal kau (note that i have never for once sworn at all for any of the posts relating to this.), pasal aku nak kutuk kau, bukan pasal aku ni jantan kelepeh tak tao nak upfront berbual ngan kau ke pe. Tapi because of one reason only, pasal ni bende. antara kau dan aku. aku taknak sape2 yang ade kene mengene dengan hal ni, tahu tentang masalah yang kiter due ade waktu ni, and settle it within kiter.

I can choose to call you to talk it out, but i dont think kau will ever want to talk again. So, since you want it to be that way, i accept it. so, here i am, ranting it out here on my space and let everyone else wonder who the hell am i blabbering about. Don't worry macha, you have my promise that sape2 yang tanye pasal ni, aku tkkan kecoh2 kan, unless you want it otherwise.

sekian.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Panjang jugak aku membebel. Well, honestly speaking, i am equally angry and sad right now. Angry because... niat benar aku disalah anggap orang, sekarang sume orang akan pikir yang aku nih hidung tinggi. Bertahun2 aku bergiat, tak pernah aku ade masalah macam gini. and coming it from the one you least thought would happen, it feels suckish, serious.

And Im sad as well, because of two egoistic people who wants their own way of doing things, neither of them can come to a decision, and at the end of the day, we are no longer friends. That, to me is really saddening. Samer2 minat, samer2 nakkan yang terbaik, but this had to happen.

Fine, kalau kau dah tak anggap aku sebagai kawan, aku terime.
Aku janji kau, selepas ni aku akan berbual dengan orang berkuasa tentang ni, see how things can be solved, and if we all agree that aku yang punca masalah korang yang selame ni tak pernah pun ade masalah, seperti mane korang cakap.. I will take a step back.

Sekirenye ape aku tulis atau cakap terguris hati kau, aku mintak maaf.

[ and I'm done ]

perangai kunik.

2011-06-20T23:58:00.005+08:00

I knew this would happen eventually,
and true enough it did.
(=

I proved my point, and I'll stand by my own judgement.
Go ahead if you wanna bitch about me to the rest, 'cause I didnt plan to be the nice guy here by the way. You can say anything and everything you want about me, but don't you dare talk to me about this passion I'm in love with ever since forever. 'Cause you are in no level whatsoever to be guiding me. I have said my piece there and then. Kalau nak merajuk, pujok sendiri. Kalau nak mengamok, pergi panggil Amuk. ^_^(Y)

Gave you a choice, either we'll work together..
or I'll do my very best to bring them up all by myself.

That aside, I have already decided.
Gonna teach the boys this song when I'll have the time, InsyaAllah.
Super nice, the song very the feeling i tell you.
Don't you think so?
(=

Cannot wait to jam with 'em all!

[ and I'm done ]

where'd that girl go?

2011-06-18T23:59:00.003+08:00

You have no idea how hard it is
to force myself to stop thinking about you, sometimes.

The silence on your part really sucks.
Just thought you should know.
)=

[ and I'm done ]

mixed up.

2011-06-17T09:43:00.005+08:00

When it's the worst feeling in the world to
love and hate at the same time.

When it's hard to watch things change
when all I want is for them to stay the same.

When it's funny how I want everything
and nothing at the same time.

When it's crazy I feel like letting go,
but I keep holding on.

And when I want to move on,
but again I'm stucked to where I started.

When feelings change,
and I do not know what I really want.

When I have so many things to say
but do not know where to start.

When I want her to be close to my life,
but all I can do is to push her farther and farther away.

When it's hard to think back how things used to be,
and realised it wont never ever be the same again.

I keep telling myself it's not going to be worth it.
But if it really didnt,
then why am I spending so much time thinking about it?
I miss you.

[ and I'm done ]

masih mampu bersenyum lagy.

2011-06-13T22:50:00.007+08:00

Should I smile because you're my friend...
Or cry because that's all we'll ever be?

It hurts to love someone when I can't tell her what I really feel because sometimes I get hurt without her knowing. I get jealous even if I have no right to feel that way. I want her time even if I am not in the position to demand for it. Although the heart is breaking in silence, I'd still continue to love her because somehow in this hurtful love there is still hope of having those beautiful moments with her again, just her and me.

Thats why it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my own feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone than risk getting hurt. Sometimes I find it way much easier to be numb towards certain people, so I won't let them get too close. Sometimes I get scared, but when I act numb towards you, it does not really mean I don't care. It just means I care too much.

And look at the mess I am in now. I thought it would get better if I just pretend, but little did I expect things to turn out this way. It's really tiring having to smile and pretend I'm cool with things between us, when it's actually eating me slowly deep inside. I'll stay on for as long as I can take it within myself. But when the time has come for me to end it, I'll stop every single thing.

As for now, let's continue with the pretence.
shall we?

[ and I'm done. ]

a million thoughts.

2011-06-11T00:07:00.004+08:00

' Anyone can easily walk away from somebody else.
Nobody is forced to stay;
We all have choices.

But the real test is
if someone would rather stay with you,
even though walking away would be so much easier.... '

'Nuff said.
Let the music speak what ii feel.

[ and I'm done ]

jika hati jatuh cinta.

2011-06-06T21:37:00.009+08:00

At this point of time, I feel so lost.
I don't understand why I'm experiencing this suckish feeling I'm having.
How can this even be possible?
one moment I feel like I'm the happiest dude alive,
and the next moment I feel so down and out?

And why must I get trapped within my own feelings? I sweared never to get involved with this game anymore, hellyeah I never did want to go into this path ever again. But what can I possibly do? And right now, I so feel I'm back to where I started again. Just because of a stupid decision made that I truly regret. Yes people can be egoistic much, I agree to that. I am. Everybody is. But to what extend?

'You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see,
but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel...'
True much.

I told myself to never set my eyes on anyone else. And then you came along. And it definitely felt good initially. Its like suddenly, I found a new purpose in life. There's just this extra bit of motivation for me to do the things I like, including the simple stuff like going to school. But then shit had to happen, as per always and everything's starting to fall apart now.

Sometimes, I wish I was born heartless. Just so I wont have to care and experience the feeling of love, nor hate. But it's too late. I think I've fallen in love. Yes, I have to admit. I am in love with you. But then again, I really do not want to be in this shithole. Simply because I am scared. That fear of having to go through what I have had back in the past. No, not again please. Maybe that's why I feel so confused now. Of not knowing what I should do to even lose this feelings. Try as I might, I just can't stop caring. When I start to care, that's when it starts to hurt. True story.

And why am syai even affected by it, when you're not even mine? haha, that's the part when I dont even understand myself. As far as what I know, it needs both parties for a relationship to work. It's not just about one party, never. It used to feel so right, but no longer. I enjoyed that bus journey home yesterday. Really. It's been such a long time since I felt so attached to someone, and I was hoping, admittingly, that something could work on from here. But then again, sigh.

Biler orang nakkan syai, syai yang taknaq. Biler syai nak cuber bukakkan hati sekali lagi, ni bende mesti akan terjadi, macam mane cakap ni? Entah lah. Syai sedih sangat sangat. Ikutkan hati, memang ajer syai nak luahkan segala segala nyer, tapi aper guner? Right now I'm embracing myself for this silence which I knew could have been avoided if I just shut my mouth up and suck it in whatever you wanted to do. But I know the damage is done, and I will have to live with it.

"Awak, if only you'll realise how much Syai is into you. Syai couldnt even see you straight in the face, because syai feels that everything has changed in the blink of an eye. Syai malu naq tengok awak, pasal syai ade hati kat awak. If our story has to come to an end this way, then fine I'll accept it. But before anything els, I need you to know that everything i have told you, is the complete truth. It's true when I said I had a crush on you the first time I saw you, but I'd brushed it off, thinking that it'll go away. But then a crush came to me having a liking for you, and that I'd always look forward to seeing you, every single time. That is a truth. And there was even a period of time where I purposely avoided you, and I told you everything I had to. That the reason was because I like you, and I have to do it before things start to get deeper. That too, is a truth awak. But you came and told me how you didnt want us to be avoiding each other and you see me as someone you feel comfortable with. Not wanting to risk the friendship that we've shared, I'd stop avoiding you altogether and we got closer ever since then. And now that we're close to each other, I'm starting to develop this serious feelings towars you. Yes, I am. Syai is pretty much in love with you. This too, is no joke."

Maybe this is just a test from the One Above, I don't know. I just do not want to go through that emotional pain again, just because of a girl. Like how it was in the past. It's painful, it's tiring. If this silence meant it's time for me to take my leave, I will be the one stepping out of the door.

And if that were to happen, at least now you know that this guy right here ever did love you before.

Thank you for bringing me back up to my feet again, makcik sombong <3.
I owe you my life.
('=

the end.

[ and I'm done ]

bezanya suka dan cinta.

2011-06-02T18:02:00.006+08:00

by 'Hari-hari saya sayang awak, hari-hari saya tengok profile awak'

(1)
Di hadapan orang yang kita cinta, hati kita akan berdegup kencang.
Tapi di hadapan orang yang kita suka, hati kita akan gembira.

(2)
Di hadapan orang yang kita cinta, musim sentiasa berbunga-bunga.
Di depan orang yang kita suka, musim itu cuma berangin sahaja.

(3)
Jikalau kita lihat di dalam mata orang yang kita cinta, kita akan kaku.
Tapi jika kita melihat ke dalam mata orang yang kita suka, kita akan tersenyum.

(4)
Di depan orang yang kita cinta, kita menjadi malu.
Di depan orang yg kita suka, kita akan tunjukkan imej yang sebenar.

(5)
Di depan orang yang kita cinta, lidah kelu untuk berkata-kata.
Di depan orang yang kita suka, kita akan bebas berkata apa saja.

(6)
Kita tidak akan merenung mata orang yang kita cinta.
Tapi kita akan selalu merenung mata orang yang kita suka.

(7)
Bila orang yang kita cinta menangis, kita akan turut jua menangis.
Bila orang yang kita suka menangis, kita akan cuba untuk membuat dia gembira.

(8)
Perasaan cinta bermula dari kata. Perasaan suka bermula dari telinga. Jadi, jikalau kita berhenti menyukai seseorang yang kita suka umpama kita membuang telinga kita. Tapi jika cuba menutup mata cinta berbuah menjadi airmata. Setiap orang yang hidup akan mengalami ini dalam hidup mereka.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Cinta, Sayang, Minat Dan Suka

Cinta

Kita memang mengharapkan dia menjadi milik kita. Segala apa yang kita buat, kalau buleh nak dia tahu.. dan kita sebuleh mungkin tak nak sakitkan hati dia. kita akan sentiasa berfikir tentang dirinya.
(Cinta di tujukan kepada seseorang yg kita selalu ingat dan mimpi.. Tanpanya kita akan rasa sunyi dan kita cintakan sepenuh jiwa dengan hati yg ikhlas kepadanya walaupun dia buat tak tau .)

Sayang

Kita memerlukan dia di masa kita mahukan seseorang untuk berkongsi rahsia dan kisah duka kita. selalunya kita akan sayangkan seseorang yang menjadi TELINGA kepada masalah kita.
( sayang di tujukan kepada seseorang yang boleh membuangkan masa dia untuk mendengar dan memeningkan kepalanya dgn masalah kita dan kita jugak boleh menyakitkan hati dia kerana kita bukannya cinta kepadanya)

Suka

Kita sukakan dia kerana dia kelakar. Dia happy-go-lucky. Bila bersama dengan dia, kita rasa nak tergelak sampai nak pecah perut. Tapi, kita taklah rindu sangat kat dia bila tak berjumpa seminggu…
( suka di tujukan kepada seseorang yang boleh menjadi pelawak kepada kita. Kita akan suruh dia diam sekirangnya keng kita dah nak pecah…)

Minat

Apa sesuatu pada dirinya yang menarik kita untuk mendekatinya.
(minat ditujukan kepada seseorang yang ada sifat, peribadi atau barang yang kita mahukan… )

Tetapi kita kena ingat bahawa tanpa minat , suka dan sayang kita tidak akan CINTA pada seseorang itu.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ya Allah
Jika dia benar untukku
Dekatkanlah hatinya dengan hatiku.
Jika dia bukan milikku
Damaikanlah hatiku
Dengan ketentuan-Mu...."

and I feel so lost now.
Wtihout any clear directions, which way should ii go to?
Confused.
)'=

[ and I'm done ]

Closing the chapter...

2011-05-31T21:24:00.004+08:00

' Sometimes, things don't always work out as planned. And when they don't, we get upset, angry, depressed. That's usually how it goes, but I've learned that life is just, that way. Life lets us down, so when it does bring us up, we'd appreciate what we've missed on the way down. We appreciate the ride, we appreciate the moments, the feelings. We appreciate just being alive. Life never forgets to bring us back up, and when it does take a little longer, it's because it's just waiting for us to do our part. '

Everything is going to be okay. I have written those words so many times over and over again but for the first time today, it means something different. Because every other time, I was only trying to convince myself of something I know wouldn't happen. But today I know, I will be okay.

Four hundred and twelves day on....
I can finally say I'm over you.
Alhamdulillah.

Your all I think about now.
This, I've got to admit.

Makcik sombong, goodnight.
syai miss you.
and I'm sorry.

[ and I'm done ]

why must shit happen all the time?

2011-05-29T18:57:00.003+08:00

Problems after another.

Im getting sick of all these added stress to my already hectic lifestyle. Why do you still keep creating these mess one after another. I thought everything returned back to normal and life can go as as per normal. But today, the text message that you wrongly send it to me proved otherwise. Why?

If you dont love us anymore, if you dont love the family, then kindly tell us so. I've had enough of your nonsense and I am on the brink of losing it all together. How am i supposed to respect you, when you're not showing me that you have changed? Its time like this I wished neneq were still around to hear me out. She's the only one woman I loved so dearly, the one that understands me inside out. Now that she's gone for almost 2 years now, I feel so alone and without anyone I can really turn to whenever shits happen. sigh.

Dad has been really strong to go through all this. But until when, ayah? There's a limit to one's own strength and it does not help that everytime it happens, you swallow it to yourself. Must we wait until the next time this happens again, which can be a few days, months or even years later, and then you will decide to confront again?

Honestly, I don't think you will ever learn your lesson. Honestly, I do think you still keep things behind our back. Tapi Tuhan maha Adil dan tahu menahu segalanyer. Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnye jatuh ke tanah juga. It is never my intention to disrespect you, but I really need clarifications on this matter. Think for the family, it is never just about you only.

I pity my little sister. She's too young to understand what is happening in the house. I salute my dad, for staying strong and still holding on, all these while. So please, if you dont love us anymore, leave us.

I still love you, mom.

[ and I'm done ]

Third time macha...

2011-05-25T09:58:00.006+08:00

And so, I'm finaly done with Piala Damai 2011.
It was a mixed emotion at the end of the day, no doubt about it.

Chuchu got 7th place in the overall standing,
and we managed to bag the 'Awok-Awok' Terbaik, for the third time in our history.

It is a big deal for us personally,to be considered on par with the giant groups.
Alhamdulillah..
(:

Well, this might be a sign from Him though.
Despite everything that has been going on internally, we still managed to achieve the individual award.

It just goes to show, if we could put aside our differences
and stay as one up there on stage,
anything is possible.

Come on chuchu's, let's work on this part.
Congratulations on the achievements brothers, we deserved it!
(=

[ and I'm done ]

Let's go for it!

2011-05-20T01:00:00.005+08:00

Just a short post for today.
Good luck for those participating in this Saturday's Piala Damai Competition.
May the best group wins.

Goodluck Chuchu's this saturday!
This is it.
10mins is all what you've got to kill it.
"Biar kalah di mata pengadil, asalkan menang di hati penonton."
ingat tuh..

Let's have fun on stage, shall we?
Om Shanti Om punya!
(;

Well, If anyone of you here happens to see me there,
Jangan luper tegur iyerr....

See you guys there!

[ and I'm done ]

12th, could have been.

2011-05-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

' I miss you. It's undeniable. I can try to avoid it as much as I want, but I cant help aching to have you back whenever you vaguely cross my mind. The worst part is that you don't miss me back. I wouldn't be surprised if I never even for once crossed your mind. Why don't you? What we had was great. I want to run back to you so badly and confess everything I feel, but I know it's gonna be useless, 'cause nothing will change. And you won't care. And now the only thing left for me to do is sit here and gruellingly wait for this pain to pass. '

So I told myself if I could just hang on for a little while more.. then one day, maybe just one day, she'll see just how much she means to me. Just how do I get better from here, when I thought I had the best in the past?

One year ago, I was the happiest guy alive. I thought I finally found the one who could walk this road together. Promises were made and love was in the air. And till today, I'm still very much in love with that one girl who gave me that opportunity that no other girls did.

In honest truth, I didnt expect myself to have that same feelings for that girl after so long. Well, I didnt expect that I could hold on this long even though shit happens 8 months back. Fvckyeah, people has been asking and wondering just what makes her that special, I swear I didn't know how to answer that question. I just cannot seem to erase all the memories of us. No matter how hard I try, it's something I cannot do. Maybe that's just it. Fast forward to 9th of May 2012, would I still be this way, still very much in love with her? I don't know, and I don't like this.

It hurts to love when I cannot even tell what I really feel. I get jealous even when I know I have no right to feel that way. I just want a few minutes of her, but I know I am in no position to demand for it. Though my heart is breaking in silence, I'd still continue to love. Because somehow in this hurtful love, there is still hopes of having simple moments with her even if it means being just a friend. A friend.

No matter how hard I try to get over awaq, I'd still have feelings for you. And thats one of the hardest truth which I can never deny. I'd still remember the way things used to be and how they are now. Do you? And sometimes, I do feel I want everything to be how it used to be and time is supposed to heal my pain, but it's not that easy when we're dealing with affairs of the heart. This is precisely why even though we have been apart for all this while, I still can't help but wonder, how your life is because we used to be so close and my heart beats a little faster everytime I think of you. Which I can't help but wonder, have you ever thought of me awaq? )'=

Despite everything that has unfold, I sincerely thank you for the opportunity to shower you with all the love that I could possibly give. I apologise for the times I made you cry, sad, or angry back then. Just thinking about the events in the past together with you is able to make me smile and sometimes laugh to myself. And I hope when I finally get to be over awaq and move on to another girl, I'll work on my flaws so that I can be a better person not only for the one I would eventually fall for, but for myself as well. The mistake I made in my previous relationship was to love you more than myself, which I have learnt now.

Wherever you are awaq, right now... and if you happen to read all this awaq, trust me. awaq tetap bintang hati Syai. Let me be this way, I'll find a way to get over you. I don't know how, but I will keep trying. Just don't treat me like an option, when you have been my top priority all this while.

It could have been our 1st anniversary together, and I cannot help it but to smile to myself.
Missing you, awaq.
('=

[ and I'm done ]

Pool and Prawns !

2011-05-07T20:08:00.007+08:00

For the first time for this semester, I was superbly freaking lazy to be in class listening to the Faci yapping away. The fact that I had Elaine on a Friday did not help, at all. The lesson was so dry I kept yawning away every minute. Yes, that bad. -.-

And so, me and Sucy partialled and played pool instead at woodlands lamer! Woohoo! It definitely feels great having a change rather than needing to rush the powerpoint slides and getting ready for presentations instead.Yang penting, member cakap dier tak pandai main pool. then sekali ajar sikit-sikit, lepas tu je fuh! sekejap sekejap bola masuk lobang! hahahaha.. bayek per BFF! (=

Okayy, this shall be only a one-off kind of thing. I will not make it a habit to partial classes, I try. Hehehe! And after pool was over, we all went back as Sucy had to go to work and I had training over in Bedok. After training, Adek and gf wanted to go prawning, and so I followed them. For three hours of playing time, i caught 5 pathetic prawns. I know, I'm that awesome. *flips hair*

Okay, I guess this will be enough for today.
2 days more, I don't know what else to do.
take care everyone.

[ and I'm done ]

Abang Fai punye Big day!

2011-05-06T00:10:00.003+08:00

Selamat Pengantin Baru, Abang Fai!

It's really heartwarming to see your brothers, one by one finally getting hitched. A truly special, once in a lifetime occasion for everyone, and I'm glad that I was there to witness it. I remembered fondly back in my secondary school days, time baru baru nak berjinak dalam dunie dikir barat ni, ni mamat datang ajar kiter kiter ni sumer. And I used to be scared of him because of the fact that he dye his hair, had piercings on his ears, and has the look of a typical matrep you can see lepak-ing at the void deck. Hahahaha! Tup Tup Tup, bertahun kemudian abang juara kiter lah... Hahaha! Now no more matrep already. Tetap maseh abang handsome, tapi giler!

The part where we all sat and turned towards the bride and groom and sang 'fairuz kahwin....' to the tune of Wau Bulan, was really emotional as Abang Fai was on the verge of tearing. It was pretty obvious that he was tryig hard to control it. And now, everytime during trainings I would never fail to disturb him and shout,"abang fai, jangan nangis!" hehehe..

Seeing my brothers all getting married one by one, is definitely a happy one. Abang Fai dah kahwin, lepas tu nanti Omar punyer turn, then Hairil pulaq, lepas tu Adiboy, lepas tu Arep tulang, siaper lagy? Hahaha, bagus lah tu. Sumer pun umur dah makin tuer, cepat cepat kahwin, buat anak jadi boleh buat group CDM, Cicit Datuk Merah. Amacam geng? hahaha!

To end off, I thought of uploading the video of the show during the day itself, but irritating blogger chose to take such a long time to finish uploading. So I guess I shall just share the link to it. To watch the video,click here!.

I guess that's enough for today.
Be in the best of health everyone, take care.
Salams.

[ and I'm done ]

Finally.

2011-05-02T22:52:00.003+08:00

" Everyone has a certain part in their lives where they truly wished they could just freeze time. Whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole year. Everyone has a time in their life when they wish everything would just stop. The world would stop turning and people would just stop changing. Because to them, at that point of time, everything was just perfect. Too perfect. "

And recently over the weekend, I finally met up with an old friend of mine. It was really an unexpected meet up as it has been months, or even years that I have heard from that old friend. So it was really surprising that she called to hang out. Since I did not have any plan, and it was such a bore to be staying put at home the whole day, I decided to go out.

That old friend of mine, has changed a lot these few years that passed. She looked much more fatter now, hahahaha. But yes, she's still that nice and petite lady that I knew back then, the one that I had feelings for way back when I was still just a kid. It felt somehow awkward too, I don't know why. Maybe that's just the feeling you'll get when you lost contact with a special friend before. Had a few small chats, and then went on to window-shop at the nearby mall.

Went in to a shop which I had forgotten the name of it, and I could somehow remembered that the shop was coincidentally the first shop we went in to a few years back when we had our first meet up together. I smiled to myself as my friend browse through some clothes. Decided to treat my friend since we could not proceed on having our late lunch together, and it sure felt nice I could do that. At last, tercapai jugaq niat nak blanje orang dengan duit government tu. Hehehe, syai ikhlas luh selenger bachen!...

Ohwells, I so wished it could have been a longer meet up session, hell we got a lot of catching up to do. But everyone's a little busy with their own lives somehow, so that's the only time I'll ever get. I hoped we can stay in touch after this, hopefully. Because this old friend of mine here used to be real close to me, as we shared almost everything and anything back in our primary school days. Somehow, as I watched her leave, flashbacks of our close bonds together came rushing into my mind. I truly miss her, and I wish her well for her future.

May we keep in touch, old friend.
(=

[ and I'm done ]

Meraung; song of the night.

2011-04-26T19:17:00.003+08:00

Karaoke at the Cuppgage,
First time ever!

Celebrated this belated birthday friend of mine here
and I gotta say,
we had a lot of fun 'singing' at the top of our voice that night!
hehehe...

Happy belated 21st Liyana!
Wishing you all the best in your future endeavour.
And thank you for reading my blog,
and those countless advices to move on.
It's not helping aniway, hee!
(=

Sayang korang semuer!

[ and I'm done ]

the path I chose to go.

2011-04-22T02:05:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the things that you really want the most don't happen, and what you least expect, happens. I don't know. it's like, you meet thousand of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person, and your whole life's changed, completely.

There will come a time in life when you become absolutely infatuated with a single soul. For this person, you will do anything, absolutely anything and everything and not think twice about it. But when asked why, you have no answer to it. You will try your whole life, asking yourself and understand how just that single person can affect you as much as they do, but you never will understand. And the best thing is, no matter how badly it hurts, or how badly you hate it, you'll love this person for the rest of your life... without any regret.

.......and I wonder how you have been doing all this while. Be safe, alright.

"this love-turned-stranger is the most important person in my life"....

[ and I'm done ]

it all began with a friend request.

2011-04-15T00:00:00.001+08:00

" Yo orang di sane!
nak tanyer, yang di sane pun _____ yer? ("_) "

"yuuuuup yup.y do tink saye add awak?
haha. takkan nk increase numbr kawan stakat gtu je kn . .ape la. ."

"aah no, thats not what i meant. haha. i know u are my ____. cause i rememebered u were at the ____ for ____. hahaha. so sayer ni nak tawu jugak lah _____ mane awak ____ ..."

"no! da brape lame sei! hehe .tak la main2 je. . .
ya .super new . .why? tak ____ eh? "

"ishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! apa ini cakap? haha..
no laa, ape seh _____ tak ____.. tak berniat gitu pun.
its good that there are __________. ____ ____ for ____ ah ni.
great! ____ ____, ____ sumer yer? :) "

"okay, whats PER?? can tell? (''_)
hahahah. yknow, its hard to find ____ like u.
yang sesamer _____ dgn ____ _____. =D
kudos to kamu! "

"u said fantastic ke per. thn i say per .hah. =p XIE XIE!
##CLEAR THROAT##“I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY FAMILY,FRIENDS! FANS”:) "

"kay, i think i got u. hahahaha!!
in aniway, all the best _____ _____,
insyaallah ader rezki, ____ ____ ____.. :)"

:
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"hahah! siang bangun? LOLS.."

"hehe.. im ____ kan..=p"

"haha! mana lah tahu kan. haha!! ____ ker facebook? hahah!:)"

"hehe. skali skale slack kat ____ ____ kluakan hp pakai internet..
tak sala. tak. tak. haha"

"haha! bagus.. amalkan selalu!
anw, sorry kalau ganggu..!:)"

:
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"hahaha.. no worries.. hahaha..
like how im supposed to know kamu maseh di fb ker tak kan..
yah, maseh sempat fb lagy?
tak reti nak tido ker... hahaha!"

"cakap org! bluek! haha.
im in the bus otw hm ____ _____ ____.. =p"

"haha! wah seh!____ eh.. bagus bagus, ____ ____, confirm ____ ____!:)
anw, dalam bus pun sempat fb-ing?
macam style gitu eh. tunggu lah sampai rumah kalau yer pun..
hahaha.."

"enta la kn kalau ____ ke tak. =/. takot. haha kk.
ape2 msg my hp if you may, _______.
nanti ____ mara if my ppd kip finishing pasal internet.
bye syaiful!"

"hahaha! alrightey then. will text kamu in a while.
sorry kalau ganggu yer..!
have a safe trip home! :D "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's how it all began exactly one year ago.

I can't bear to read everything that happens next, it's just too much hurt that I could take.And it's time for me to clear every single thing, since it's of no use anymore.

What dissapoint me wasn't how everything turned out in the end,
but the fact that you became everything that you'd promised not to be.

[ and I'm done ]

bro's 21st !

2011-04-11T00:28:00.003+08:00

Happy 21st Ikhlas!

Abang2 ah now, kerek pe? hahahaha..
Happy 21st dude, moga Allah berkati hidup kau dan sekeluarga.
No prezzies, but let's go out this coming weekend
and source out some chicks for you to hook up with.
Hahaha!

No, I'm not being some gayish fvck here,
just that I feel that your one of the special friends
who deserve a mention in my own personal space.
so please.. be honoured aye?
Hahahaha!

but seriously, thanks dude for Everything.
Thanks for listening me out when I need to let my shits out.
May God bless you, bro.

Enjoy your day!
uhn tsk uhn tsk all the way!
(=

[ and I'm done ]

could have been 11th.

2011-04-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

".... It's when I'm standing right here, and you're just there a few metres away from me and I'm unable to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I just feel like screaming to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand, dialling your number and then hanging up, that I would trade a thousand tomorrows just for one yesterday. Then I could just call to say goodnight. It's when I am really sad about something and I need someone to hear me out that I realise you're the only one who could understand me. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give, to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realise, I don't want any other girls in this world. I sweear I don't want. I just want you. Just you. "

And every 9th of the month, I can't help it but feel really sad. It's like I feel really lost all of a sudden, wishing that everything that I'm facing now was just a mere illusion and that it would be okay at the end. What makes me to hold on up till now is the mere thought of ...

'if it's not going to happen tonight, it's perfectly okayy. I'm sure everything's gonna be fine by the next 9th.'

But, yeah. it's only tonight that finally the thought strike me, after so long. the question of ... 'Until when, syai?' If I'd known from the start that this is how my life is gonna be, I swear to myself I would never have open my heart to fall in love in the first place. But I guess, this is life isn't it.

Gosh, I freaking miss you so badly. No amount of words can describe this feeling of emptiness that I've been feeling ever since you walk out from my life. And seeing how you have completely moved on and those pictures of the two of you, I just can't help but fake a smile infront of the rest. And all I could muster was a...
'Well, at least she's happy...'

I guess I just still dont get the idea of letting go.

And as the clock strikes 12midnight tonight, I lay down on my bed just staring outside the window, I whispered to myself....
' it could have been our 11th together, awaq. '

why awaq, why?
)'=

[ and I'm done. ]

sorry for not answering.

2011-04-06T02:31:00.004+08:00

And why the hell did I choose to off my freaking handphone today, of all days?!
Why must I be let down every single time?

Do you know how sucky it feels when all along you have been waiting for something, and when it do really happen, you were not there to witness it?

I'm so pissed off at myself right now, very much.
Just minutes before I was contemplating on whether or not I should switch off the phone, since the batt's gonna be dead in a few minutes aniway.
And I took the risk that it will never happen tonight, since just minutes ago I had a 'nudge war'.

But I was wrong.
FuckMyLife.
sigh.

ini baru kate orang, dah takde jodoh.
urgh!
)'=

[ and I'm done ]

and until, you.

2011-04-04T00:31:00.003+08:00

The best thing that could have ever happen to me.
And I'd swear it came so unexpectedly,
but it sure was comforting.
Was just about to get ready for bed initially, and... Walah!

Y'know...
I have been waiting, and am still waiting actually,
and I am thankful to the One Above
for the wonderful surprise He has given to me.

Ahhh shucks...
i know i know,
it does not mean much aniway.
But at the very least, I appreciate the effort put in.

So, thank you so much.

Now, I don't wanna expect anything
cause I know I'm gonna be dissapointed again.
So, yearp.

Am just gonna smile it off, be thankful that it happened
and then wake up to a new day.

and yes,
I did really for the first time had a really good night sleep yesterday
muker pun ade senyum ajeeer!
(=

To whom it may concern, thank you iyerr.
11days more, got any clue?

[ and I'm done ]

fyp come first.

2011-03-28T20:04:00.002+08:00

So UT3 results are out. Alhamdulilah, I have got to say that I'd did better in all the previous semesters that has gone. Looks like there are at least some positive things that happened after all this aye? I did managed to push up the GPA grade, but just. Nevertheless, I am happy to see the module grade for all 5 subjects and I aim to take this as a stepping stone to keep improving and pushing up my grades for the final 2 semester that I am left. InsyaAllah, got no time left, have to buck up!

Coming into my fifth week to the Final Year Project that I'm assigned to now, and I got to say that I'm able to cope fairly well with the demand and pressure that comes with it. Having teammates which are generally smarter makes it a challenge personally to meet to their expectations and standard. And so, it's the same routine every single weekdays now; going to Changi Airport Terminal 1 early in the morning, back home by the evening and then getting ready the report for the next day, every single day. I kind of like the busy schedule I'm having surprisingly. It seemed as though I'm entering into the adult working world, but without the pay of course! Furthermore we're given the airport pass, though not the seasonal one, so we can go in and out the transit area as and when we like! kire macam tourist lah kan masuk dalam. Hehehe..

On a side note, chuchu is confirmed entering the Piala KGMS competition which is not far off now. And yeah, I've explained to Tok that I will be busy with my FYP and that I might not be able to commit to this competition. And all I got was a simple 'OKAY.' from him. Hmmmm... Well so yeah, Looks like this might finally be the time I have to break my own 'personal achievement' of playing for every competitions that chuchu has been in, up there on stage. Hahaha, see how luh kan. With all those 'hoo-haa' that has been going around internally, I guess maybe it's time for me to take a step back, and see how it goes. But I will definitely come down to trainings once in a while, to help out and contribute to ideas to my fellow 'brothers'.
Yeah, 'brothers'....

Alright, I guess that's all I have to rant about today. Need to start continue my report log and get ready for tomorrow's report. Be in the best of health, everyone.

Salams.
(=

[ and I'm done ]

sorry? its okay. =)

2011-03-24T18:26:00.004+08:00

All it tooks to make me feel happy
even if it lasted just for a few minutes.

Gosh! It's been months and yet,
I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever it happens.

I can't stay mad at you for long aniway,
so you dont really have to go to that extent,
but thank you.

Can I have that again, pretty please?
I'll be waiting.

Syukur, Ya Allah!
(=

[ and I'm done. ]

i hate you!

2011-03-24T03:48:00.003+08:00

,br>

And right now, i really feel like shoutting at the top of my voice
and let this overwhelming anger out of me.

i dont want to have to move to another new blog
just so i can have my own space.

But if i have to, i will.

[ and I'm done ]

the 6th.

2011-03-23T00:16:00.004+08:00

' Here's to the kids who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone. Who spend hours reading random love quotes to find the perfect one that fits, who wait online for that one certain person to sign in just to say hello, Who listen to the same song over and over and over again just because the lyrics means alot, Who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it... And whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.'

Awaq, remember what exactly took place exactly 6 months ago?

But despite all that, and 6 months later, there is still no one that could replace you. Just thought you should know. I really hope whatever that I'd heard about you, it's absolutely not true at all. I don't like feeling that you have completely changed, though i'm in no position to do anything about it. Just remember where you came from and who your true friends are. Just don't make a decision, without thinking of the consequences later on okay.

I know you still read this space of mine here, please take good care of your health okay. hope you're doing good for your preparations for the Os.
Salams awaq.

I'm truly sorry if all of these irritates you.
)'=

[ and I'm done. ]

happy happy birthday!

2011-03-19T12:38:00.005+08:00

Happy 15th lil' sisto!
a year older now, hope you'll enjoy your special day today.
Best wishes from me to you!
:)

[ and I'm done ]

i wished.

2011-03-17T23:40:00.002+08:00

[ and I'm done ]

stay or to go?

2011-03-15T22:12:00.004+08:00

Is there any such thing as a 'one-club man' anymore ?
or simply said, is there anyone who values 'loyalty' is this world, still?

Say, you have been with this cliques of friends for a few years now, everything seems so fun and great initially that you dont mind meeting 'em all once every few weeks because you'll just love the company. And then suddenly you realised one by one, every single one of them starts to have a change of behaviour, having their own personal 'clique' within the group itself and you feel the distances between these friends growing as days goes by. So, what will you actually do in this sort of situation ? Leave 'em... or stay with them?

Had it not been for this one particular man, who I have always seen as a leader, a mentor and the one that I looked up to, I would have left these friends a looooong time ago. For the fact that I would not be where I am now had it not been for him, Im still with these people because of the fact I am one loyal guy. Uh uh.

I kind of missed how close we were all back then, even though we had nothing to our name. And it's saddening to see that we're slowly changing, be it knowingly or unknowingly, as everyone's busy with their respective lives. Which I can't really blame though, as much as how I wished things would not have changed it is something we have no control of.

And i swear I just do not know why i have been having these thoughts lately, and it has been going on and on for a few days now. It feels so wrong to be playing around with thesee thoughts but it felt somewhat good at the same time. Now, the question is do I follow my heart and go or to stay? that's something I have no answer to, and I am still searching for it.

Having said that, I still have that respect and love to this 'group of people' that I'm lucky to have known for these 5, 6 years. I just hope everyone wakes up and see that we can actually do much much better and make this friendship last till the end. I'm tired of seeing the same attitude over and over again every single time we meet up. Please, do something about it. I really do not want to go over the same routine every single time.

We need to change, or I will have to go.

[ and I'm done ]

hate this part right here.

2011-03-13T04:37:00.002+08:00

[ and I'm done ]

could have been 10th.

2011-03-09T23:22:00.008+08:00

You know what's the saddest thing in the world? When you see two people in love, the kind of love where people write novels about. The whole "you're my other half" and "you're all I ever think about" kind of love. The kind of love where all you want to do for the rest of your life is to wake up to your partner's beautiful smile. This kind of love where your heart feels so big and full that you're afraid that it can burst any moment.

Yeah, that's it. That kind of love.

The saddest thing in the world is when you see those two people, months or years later,
and they cannot even look each other in the eye.

You probably think that I have already forgotten about by you by now, but that's far from it, really. I'd missed you every waking day, and truthfully my heart still hurts, but I am getting better now. I will just continue to smile and still go on without you. I do still wonder about your doings, how you are, what you're doing, what we used to talk about, you and me laughing on the phone till the wee hours in the morning. Just, everything. I kinda miss it all. You may feel that parting was the best for us, because like you said, everything happens for a reason. I'm still trying to accept that fact, though at the back of my mind I do hope about the impossible. Should destiny puts us into a crossing road in the future, that will then be the day I will get to see you again. And until then, I hope you will realise that no matter what happens back then in the past; even through the arguments, the disagreements, the mistakes and the tears you and I have cried, never have i for once, gave up on you. On us. So if you ever need a helping hand, along the way, I may be far away, but I will always be in reach.

Awaq, it could have been our 10th together, today.
='(

[ and I'm done ]

and it all came back tonight.

2011-03-07T00:39:00.004+08:00

Today, one of my dikir friend texted me. We were initially talking about few random stuffs when suddenly it became that topic. I was trying to avoid it, but it was useless. And it hurts to know some stuff that I didnt expect. And this text message really hit me hard;

"Look, I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe if you guys are meant for each toher, you guys will be together. You are putting yourself in a spot when your daily life sucks without her by your side. Have you ever thought of how she is? She don't even think about you Syaiful. What more, I dont even think she cares for you. It's been months syaiful, MONTHS. How long are you going to continue like this? You're not giving yourself a chance to enjoy life as it is."

Yes it hit me hard, totally. I dont need anyone to tell me those things that I have noticed for myself way back. I know she does not care about me anymore, and I know it has been months. And I've got no one to blame but myself for being trapped in this shithole. So, what do I have to do to really forget about her then? I really am not sure. I have done almost every possible thing that I could to get her out of my mind, so what's left for me to do? My friend advice me to stop thinking about her, that's the first step towards moving on. I tried though, and Im still trying.

I'm not asking you to be how we were before, it's just that this silence is killing me a little bit more every single day. Probably, there is no more 'syai' in your life by now, but I just hope you know that just one day.... we'll get to talk. I dont think it's too much to ask for, is it? Just y'know, update about life and all, just so I know how you're doing over there and not having to keep wondering. Aaaah, fuck this. I don't think you drop by any longer, you're too busy enjoying life to even care about someone from your past anyway, right?

Maybe, its just me. Maybe I just fell for the wrong girl. I don't know. I cant deny I'm still very much in love with that girl, up till today. Judge me all you want, I won't deny this feelings Im having deep inside. And I freaking miss her, a lot. You may have given up on me back then, I'm not going to give up on us that easily.

Janji yang dilafazkan harus dipegang.
Selagy nadi belum terhenti, Syai akan tetap bertahan.

salams.

[ And I'm done ]

Unic.

2011-03-05T23:34:00.008+08:00

Demi Cinta Suci

Pernah Hatiku Luka Pedih
Kerna Dicalari, Cinta Penuh Duri...

Lemas Aku Dalam Dilemna
Kata Janji Manis
Sungguh Tak Bermakna...

Mencarimu Kasih Bagai,
Mencari Mutiara Putih
Walau Ke Dasar Lautan,
Sanggup Ku Selami...

Namun Tak Percaya Apa
Yang Telah Aku Terjumpa,
Kau Sebutir Pasir Tak Berharga...

Demi Cinta Yang Suci
Ku Rela Korbankan,
Kepentingan Diri...

Demi Sinar Bahagia
Ku Hambakan Diri
Pada-Nya Yang Esa...

Baru Kini Ku Rasai
Nikmatnya Cinta Yang Suci,
Tiada Terbanding Dengan
Cinta Yang Kau Beri...

Ranjau Yang Berduri
Akan Aku Tabah Menempuhnya,
Menyubur Iman Di Dalam Jiwa...

Demi Cinta Hakiki,
Ku Sanggup Redhai
Apa Yang Terjadi...

Apalah Erti Cinta Suci,
Andai Janji-Janji
Sering Dimungkiri...

Apalah Erti Cinta Murni,
Andai Kata-Kata
Sering Didustai...

[ And I'm done ]

R44OE YO!

2011-03-03T00:55:00.005+08:00

There's this saying that goes something like,
" All good things will have to come to an end... "

And the time has come for me to bid you farewell.
You have served me well over the few years or so my friend.

So, goodbye my Lenovo.
I will remember you, always.

And say hello to... Mr Samsung.
(=

So dad bought me this since the Lenovo is already spoilt beyond repair. It was time for a change since the lappy is already a few years old. It was initially for Home use purpose, and ever since I got into RP after graduating from ITE, it became my OWN lappy. Obviously, I am happy and thankful that I got a new laptop today, but at the same I felt really bad because... knowing how the current situation is for the family, any extra expenses would be particularly tough on dad. I was left with no choice though, I need a working laptop for school purposes, and furthermore the FYP project requires me to bring along my laptop wherever I go, it was definitely more of a 'need' than a 'want' for a new lappy. Precisely why I chose the cheapest available laptop that I could find over in Courts that I dont mind the specifications nor the brands. I immediately chose this one when the sales promoter said that it is among the cheapest and within the budget and it is definitely suitable for school use.

Just days before I had to trouble dad to shop for officewear attire for my FYP project. I'm not too sure know if 70bucks for the one whole set of shirt, pants, to the belt and the shoes is considered cheap though, and now... a new laptop? tell me how am I not supposed to feel bad then? Ohwells, this has made me even more stressed up than i already am with my FYP projects and stuff. Dad has 'invested' a hell lot of money for me, what if I fail him at the end of the day?

Thank you dad, for wasting your money on me. Now... I cannot promise you that I would be the brightest student and score the highest GPA among all at the end of my Poly Life because I need to be realistic after all. But what I can and will promise you is that, I will do my best for this FYP project, and then get that diploma at the end of my time in Poly. Thanks dad, really. Thank you.

[ and I'm done ]

this is it.

2011-03-01T00:36:00.004+08:00

Well, I thought of updating Puncak Finals result but... ohwells forget it. A lot of my friends updated me about the competition, and I gotta say that I wasnt that really surprised at the overall results. Looking at the videos, I gotta say Keris set was really superb. Needless to say, Keris was simply.. 'em at their best. Something refreshing and unique. Maybe that's my only regret for missing out on watching and being there on the competition. Well, I thought they deserved the 1st place, in my honest opinion. But ohwells, 2nd placing is not that bad though so congratulations to the KM family and as well as Aidil, for achieving the Juara terbaik.

The surprise of the day has got to be Kelana Purba. Surprise surprise.. Andika? Krakatoa? I'm not too sure what happened though, but it just goes to show something isnt it? That sometimes, shit happens. Even so, I guess it'll just be a one-off thingy and im sure they would have learn something from this competition and be better for the upcoming competitions to come. Mark my words, they will be back. In aniway, Im sure everyone, be it the spectators or the participants must have had a lot of fun on that day. Everyone's still a winner at the end of the day, so let's just shake hands and move on to the next upcoming competition now.

" Biar lawan, atas stage jer. Lepas tu, sume kawan kawan. Betol taq? Hehehe."

So, yesterday was the start of my FYP project with CAG. Coming into my third year now in RP, this is where the real 'deal' starts to kick in. I can literally feel the pressure even before starting on the project. It does not help that the school chose to eat up into our holidays and start on the FYP project earlier, which basically means lesser free times holidays and frequent visits to the Changi AIrport. Yeahballs, I can foresee myself having to go to the Airport to work on my project, every single day. Boooo. Well, not complaining though. At least, I wont be too free to think about all these... lost love bullshits and focus solely on getting my FYP done and ultimately, push up my freaking grades. Everyone has to go through it, and it's my turn now. I will really have to decide carefully whether I would want to commit both to chuchu's participation in upcoming competitions to come and my FYP, or to take a break from my passion, for a while. Either way, I guess the time has come for me to prioritise on which matters to me in the long run.
I will seriously have to consider about this.

And yeah, it does not help that my ankle chose to get swollen today. Yeahballs, the return of the gout attack. It is really, really fucking painful right now to even walk properly that I have to limp everywhere I go. I do hope that this pain would go away soon, I have a lot of travelling that needs to be done tomorrow. Sigh.
Cepat cepat lah baik, wahai kakiku yer.

ohwell, shit happens dont they?

Till my next post friends.
salams.

[ and I'm done ]

nope, not this time round.

2011-02-26T00:46:00.003+08:00

Puncak Finals is tomorrow.

I somehow wished chuchu could have been one of the teams to be playing in the Finals.
Now, we have to take a back seat and watch em' all enjoying their time on stage.
Ohwells. I hope we all learn a lesson this time round. Let's not make the same mistakes again okay chuchus.

Gonna be the first time chuchu is not entering a dikir competition.
Gonna be my first time not going for a dikir competition.
I wonder how it's gonna feel like.

Awaq,
Probably you have long forgotten all about me already.
Taqper lah, syai cume naq wish awaq good luck jer.
All the best iyer for the Finals, enjoy your time on stage.
And do take care of that shoulders okay. Salams.

To the rest of the groups,
All the best for the competition!
senyum mao lebih yer kawan-kawan seni..
Good luck, may the best group win.
=)

[ and I'm done ]

is this normal?

2011-02-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

Everyone has their own different, unique love stories...

so, which is yours?
=)

[ and I'm done ]

5th and counting.

2011-02-22T23:40:00.002+08:00

today, its the 23rd.
it's been 5 months since you have been gone..
but it feels just like yesterday.

awaq, where are you?
='/

[ and I'm done ]

chak!

2011-02-21T23:07:00.010+08:00

*kebas habok...*

Ehem!

first of all, so sorry blogger for ditching you for quite some time now.
Been busy with the final UT3 shits and allthat I have literally no time even for myself. Haha. Not to worry then, shall do a proper update this time round, so please bear with me.

So, after today's UT marks my last day of semester 2 of my Year 2 in RP. Alhamdulilah, I managed to keep to the promise I'd made at the start of this semester, which was to attend classes every single day and not to absent ever for a day. And I'm proud to say I actually managed to do it. Woohoo! about partialling, haha.. Well at least there's improvement in the sense that I partialled only 3 times this semester as compared to, at least once in every week for the previous semesters that has passed. Hahahaha. Weyy, the 3 times i partialled pun got valid reason okay; once was because that day was the day I got to know that someone's recently got attached, which i don't see a point in staying in class since i was really distracted, The second time was because of the intensive trainings for puncak competition which shagged me out totally, and the third was the because it was the last day of school. Decided to declare sel-proclaimed half day as I already managed to collect 13Bs for that particular module. Heee!

And finally its the holidays!
Am so relieved that Im done with the UTs and need not have to care about it and RJs for the next 2 months or so. Precisely why I would use this holiday to really let myself loose and make myself occupied, just so i wont be thinking about things that dont matter. Haha.
Aniways, Im sourcing out for part-time jobs friends, if anyone of you got lobang, hallo hallo me please? Xie xie ni!
Besides that, I can foresee my holidays being spent on catching up with my old friends, SAF! AREP! FIDA! RIN! FARID! as well as the rest, more PP sessions and lepak sessions with Ikhlas bro, and hopefully, trainings. And speaking of Ikhlas, that dude brought me to my first ever club party last Saturday night! Hahaha. sumpah taq kene gaya. But it was daaaaamn fun, i tell you. Especially the music, awesome tuh the max!

Yeah, Thanks for those who constantly drop by this space of mine. One such person I would like to especially say thanks to would be one of the new friends I've made, Hazzy. Little did I know that I have a friend/stranger who did read up my blog but didnt really get to know about it until she randomly ask me this question one fine day at school,"Eh! you went Bali?" Hahahaha.
Makaseh singgah ke sini yer, Kawan! (:

Hmm, I guess I shall update another time then. Don't worry bloggy, its the holidays now. I will have a lot of time for you kaykay. Hehe! In the mean time, take care friends, Happy holidays to all of you!

Assalamualaikom.

[ and I'm done ]

W24R

2011-02-11T03:33:00.000+08:00

And so today marks our whole 15weeks lesson for the semester.
New friendships made with the whole bunch of awesome classmates.

Plenty of jokers around, which made the class livelier than it already is.
Thanks for the laughter, the racist jokes and the help for the RJs.

Ended the night with a late night supper at Jalan Kayu with the awesome guys.
And we stopped by at Sengkang park to chill and more racist jokes.

You guys certainly made my time in RP a much more enjoyable one.
Thank you W24R, for everything.
I'll see you guys around in school.

For now, mugging mode on.
UT3, Let's go!

[ and I'm done ]

puncak!

2011-02-10T17:47:00.002+08:00

Chuchu's final training for the previous competition
that has just recently ended.

Spot me!

Happy viewing, friends.
=)

[ and I'm done ]

awaq.

2011-02-09T21:36:00.000+08:00

If memories are looked upon as something you can always fall back on,
then why are some of them so, so painful to remember;
when they use to be the moments
that absolutely took your breath away?

it could have been our 9th together, today.

[ and I'm done ]

Let the pictures speak.

2011-02-07T23:08:00.000+08:00

more pictures taken during the Bali trip are on lil sis facebook alright.

(1)
Really, really wonderful time spent with the family.

(2)
Bali is a must place to go to take lots and lots of pictures with the beautiful sceneries.

(3)
The beach is just way too awesome.
Changi Beach, ECP sumer kalah deh!

(4)
The Balinese girls are oh-so-sweet-looking.
I swear!

(5)
I thank Allah for making it a safe journey for my family to and back.

(6)
And I shall visit there some time in the future,
this time with my beloved friends.

(7)
There was once where I thought about you,awaq
and so I carved your name on that small tree in that resort.
sigh.

Hope you guys did enjoy your CNY holidays too, friends!
=)

[ and I'm done ]

selamat pergi, selamat balek.

2011-02-02T23:51:00.008+08:00

Fuck that song. Fuck this feeling im having. Fuck this shit. Why are you treating me like a piece of shit? I dont get it. Why do you even start it first, if you plan on making it even worse than it already is? You come and go as you please, but I'm the one who has to go through it all alone. I guess my friend is right. I am too softhearted, and I wished I could be just as heartless so that for once, you would understand this fucking feeling I'm having. But, how to? When it concerns you? You, someone who is still my number 1. Fuck this.

Irritating? Wow. Aku irritating? Aper aku buat sampai cakap gitu pasal aku? Ader aku stalk ? Wait, siape yang stalk siaper? blog? I have my own fucking ways to know how you're doing. At least, its within my means. Aku tak kacau hidup orang. But why the fuck must you come, and then go? See what I meant by beng softhearted? I could write down what happened, but what for? I do not want to create trouble again for all of us here. Makin lamer, bukan makin benci. Makin rindu, makin sayang. And again, fuck this. If you think I'm irritating, then why bother starting it in the first place. kenape aku tunggu sampai pagy pagy bute hari demi hari? But that wasnt what I expected. Yes, Im hurt. Well, what's new? Hurt that you didnt spare a thought for my fucking feelings. You can just go bla bla bla, and then go off. Just like that. Me? I have to fucking trouble my own classmate to do a simple thing which I dont even have the balls to do it by myself; blocking you off. Why can't i just delete you away then? you get what Im trying to say.

"In every break up, there's always one heart broken.
The one that gets hurt,
is the one that actually loved the other person."

quoted somewhere from someone's twitter, which I have to agree. It's clear for all to see, isnt it? Let's see what people has to say about this. Look. why am I going back to what I have actually promised myself to do, at the start of the year? I am not, seriously. I'm just not fine with people treating me like an option, like an outlet for them to come, when they're bored. And go, when they have company. I don't miss you, I miss who I thought you were. That one, the one that I used to love, and still do. But not you.

People change, don't they?
Fuck this.

The timing couldnt come any better. This is just what I needed to escape from all these dramas; A short getaway with the fam for a few days. And I have promised myself to leave every shitty feelings away for now, and concentrate on having fun time together. But yeah, I guess this is what will happen when you're a DCA student and you read up about all sorts of causes of airplane crashes every single day in RP; Im actually quite nervous to fly off later in the morning. Not that I have never been on a plane though. Just that whatever I've learnt in class somehow makes me paranoid. Haha. Iyerlah kan, ajal maut di tangan Tuhan. DOakan syai selamat pergy, selamat balek yer kawan kawan? Makaseh banyak2.

Alright, I feel much better now. Got to turn in now to catch up on my sleep. TO all my kafir friends, Happy Chinese New Year okay. And for the rest of y'all, Be in the best of health.

Good night world. Good night, awaq.

[ and I'm done ]

so near, yet so far.

2011-01-31T21:33:00.002+08:00

Puncak
Pertandingan dikir barat Singapura 2011

And so, I'm done with one more competition. Sadly to say, chuchu did not manage to get through to the Finals at Singapore Polytechnic. But hey, I am not complaining though. This shall be served as a wake up call to each and everyone of us. Whatever it is, I am proud of my friends on stage. I could see, especially the juniors the burning desire of wanting to play for this competition and they gave their absolute best up there. It's okay that we did not managed it this time round, I'm pretty sure we will come back, stronger. Job well done, chuchus.

Alhamdulilah.
I'm glad that at least we did a good job on stage. It's just... ohwells. Tough luck I can say. Like they say, there's always a first time for everything. Taking the positives out of this, well at least I can now focus solely on my studies, the upcoming final UTs, more PP session with my bro, more lepak time. Yessaaaah! Shall gonna use this 'break' wisely, and have as much rest as possible. Have not been getting enough sleep for the past week; so its payback time. hee. Well, anyway congratulations to the teams that made it to the Finals stage. Fight it out for that $6000 first-place prize okay!
=)

"That shoulder must have hurt a lot. Well maybe I was just thinking too much, but I got reminded of back then when you keep complaining of that problem you'd had. Ive heard that sound it made and touch that shoulder for myself aniway, that was why I came to that assumption. Better be careful okay. Well, you did great I must say. Tukang harmonise lagi, dah memang professional much. it was really great to be able see the both of you up on stage and during breaks, well albeit from afar. I miss the both of you so much, really. So so much. Congratulations for making it to the Finals iyer, the team deserved it. And.. thank you. I was waiting actually, and true enough it happened."

On a happier note, I've waited for 16 freaking days, and now it's back to day 1 on twitter today. Soon please, will you? On an even brighter note, short getaway on Chinese New Year! Woop woop! Till next time, friends!

[ and I'm done ]

it's tomorrow.

2011-01-29T14:58:00.005+08:00

Last training today,
before the actual competition itself tomorrow.
Whatever it is, I have done the very best that I could
and the rest is all up to the juniors to raise their game.

Ade rezki... langkah lah kiter ke Finals.
Kalau takde, tidaq mengaper.
The most important thing of all, is to remember to have fun on stage okay juniors.

To the other 18 groups fighting for the rights to be in the Finals,
I wish everyone the very best for tomorrow.
Tak usahlah gadoh gadoh lagi, kiter semuer ni same sahje yer.
Sumer same kulit, betol?
All the best kawan kawan, kalau nampak epul tegur yer!
=)

awaq, all the best for tomorrow's comp.
Have fun up there on stage with 'em okayy.
senyum senyum selalu.

oh yes, I know.

[ and I'm done ]

please.

2011-01-24T23:24:00.006+08:00

Its not that I can't forget about you,
It's just that I dont even wanna try to.

[ and I'm done ]

fourth.

2011-01-23T01:05:00.009+08:00

So we are entering the final week before the competition itself this sunday.
Will be busy with everyday trainings,
rest assured I'll be like a walking zombie in school this whole week.
Cannot wait to get this over and done with,
just so I can concentrate on other much more important stuffs.
Ade rezki, masuk lah Finals. Kalau taqde rezki, ohwells.

And I have got to start memorising the lyrics sooner rather than later.
I got a feeling Tok's gonna give a 'theory test' one of these days.
bleagh~

presevere on, chuchus!

And oh! sidetracked a bit,
happy (insert month here) monthsary, to the both of you yeah!
Sorry taq ingat brape bulan, aku cume ingat date korang je.
Hehehehe!

Nanti kahwin, jangan luper jemput aku tao okayy.
Last long kawan kawan!
(=

Alright, I guess it's enough for today.
Be safe loved ones!

" The special day that marks a new chapter for 'em;
One wished this day would never have had to happen at all 4 months back."

[ and I'm done ]

used to.

2011-01-19T17:34:00.004+08:00

"So much to say, but no words to convey.
the loneliness building, with each passing day."

I don't understand how we can both look at each other
like total strangers,
and feel absolutely nothing.
Never spoke, no laughters
Not even a smile.
Yet when I saw you,
I felt both happy and sad.
Happy to see you in person.
Sad because,
I realised things can't be the way it was ever again.

I can say I'm doing pretty okay for the past few days. Partly because currently I am superbly busy with school stuffs, trainings and all that I have got no time to think about these mixed up emotions. Today, It's just one of those days where I miss her much more than any other days. And I really don't like it.
It sucks to miss someone, who wouldnt even think about you in the first place.

Dulu kalau syai saket, awak betul betul punye amek berat.
Sekarang ni syai saket, awaq tak kesah lagi ker?
Sigh.

[ and I'm done ]

lagy ape?

2011-01-16T01:00:00.004+08:00

Its really surpring how that certain someone can make me the most happiest guy one day, and then make me completely hurt the next. I will never understand why I'm resigned to such fate when all that I have ever did was to stay true to one. It hurts when that certain someone were able to tell me all that. Because, that certain someone are proving to me that my feelings and I myself, no longer mean a shit.

Yet again, I'm left dissapointed, angered and hurt. Over and over and over again. Yes, I admit to being stupid to still allow that certain someone to control my life in this manner. But what can I possibly do? Maybe, I'm just used to this pain already. Foolish much.

I crave so much for my own personal space and through here is the only way I can let it all out. But yet I am not able to express myself totally for the sole reason that the last person/people on this Earth that I want to be reading my blog, actually still does. Which really surprise me because I don't see a reason for them to be since he/she/they hates me just as much as I do.

I have played around with the idea of moving to a new blog altogether. But nope, I am not going to. I don't see a need for it just because of these 'person/people'. As long as I remain cautious and not to mention any names in any of my post, I am safe. So if you actually think that you understand who the fuck I'm referring to, or that you know what I'm talking about, think again. Kalau nak tahu sangat sangat, tanye aku directly. Better that way.

It seems that you wont care even if I no longer exists in this world. I could have moved if I wanted to, would you even spend the effort and time to look for me? I don't think so. You should jolly well know how true I am, so stop all that bullshit that I am trying to shoo people away. Even if I stop writing about anyone, do you really think it means I have already forgotten about that person? You should know. And as always, I give in. Whatever shit that you want me to do, okay fine. Biar aku dan kau je tahu. Aku sedih biler kau sedih. Aku tumpang gembira biler aku tahu kau bahagia. Tapi tolonglah. Jangan sakitkan hati aku dengan kata-kata kau tuh. Dah, aku dah buat ape kau nak aku lakukan. Walaupun aku terpakse.

And it does not help that my sim card is being a bitch currently. No connection ever since yesterday even though I have gone down to get it replaced to a new one. Ohwells, I don't think I will hear from the people that matters aniway. See what I meant, would you even care?

The post below is irrelevant by the way.
So, fuck it.

[ and I'm done ]

Love(d)

2011-01-13T20:04:00.011+08:00

And so, that's how I got to know that she didn't do that well for the results. Which of course, I was equally sad for her as well. Didnt got her choice of courses, but I'm glad that she still wants to take private O's again, just goes to show how much she understands the importance of education here in Singapore. The end.

Come to think of it, I don't know why I choose to blog about this stuff. But then again, these are the moments that I have been waiting for every single day, and it just feels so good. It makes me appreciate those precious seconds. The feeling I get, I can never explain it. I'm thankful nonetheless to the One Above, for answering my prayers that she will somehow, tell me how she did for the results. Just give me that motivation to carry on asking from Him now.

Thank you, Ya Allah.=)

Please remember this okay.

(1)
There wasnt any one day or night, where I have not thought about you.

(2)
So stop saying that I'm trying to shoo you away from my life,

nor am I gonna hate you.

(3)
If you ever need my help for Anything, even for your studies,

you know how to contact me.

InsyaAllah, syai tolong ape yang syai mampu yer.

(4)
I know my mp3 is made in china,

so you don't have to laugh about it okay.

-.-"

(5)
About that girl, and what exactly happened between us, well there's nothing going on actually, seriously.

We't just normal friends but yeah, im trying to avoid her now actually.

I don't know why, but I just want to.

And thought you should know,

takde perempuan lain okay? sumernye kawan biase.

Tetap satu saje di hati.

(7)
Like how syai takkan luperkan awaq..

please, don't ever forget me will you?

that's all syai mintaq.

syai tetap tunggu
entah biler, tunggu je lah.

At least, I feel happy today. Pergi sekolah pun, muke ada senyuuum. Maybe, the only downside of today was the UT after school. I guess I will do badly this time for UT2. Nevermind, shall work hard for the remainder of the UTs then. Alright back to hit the books! Take care y'all!

and countdown starts today with day 1!
woop woop!
=)

[ and I'm done. ]

all the best.

2011-01-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

And I never fail to update that notepad at the start of a new day, every single day.
With each passing day, I told myself not to look back, for it has already gone and remain focus on what lies ahead instead. And now that I'm back, I guess it's time for me to delete that note now.

But this one's still gonna stay. Y'know, purely for motivation kind of thing.

" If you really love her, you would want to see her happy.
And to see her happy, you must move on! "
=)

"Awaq, it's your O'level result today. I'm sure you'll do just as fine. Tiap-tiap kali syai solat, syai selalu doakan awaq akan dapat berita gembira untuk O'level awaq. I just hope you'll come out of that hall, jumping for joy okay. InsyaAllah. All the best for today iyer, awaq."

[ and I'm done ]

not shady, it's me.

2011-01-09T00:00:00.002+08:00

Guess who's back ?

As promised,
Im back to blogging after almost 32 days. Friends, anonymous people have been asking me where have I gone to all this while, and why i didnt update my blog etc. Haha, don't worry alright, for I am still alive, and kicking. woop woop!

So, where shall I start?

Well, its 2011 now. Say whut? time really flies, didnt it? Everyone has been talking about their own new year resoulution and such. Myself? Well, it wasn't such a bad idea that I kept myself restricted only to my Twitterpage for this whole period of time; it got me to straighten my thinking and plans for the new year. For 2011,I just hope that I can live everyday, happily. Thats all. Likewise, a few change in me for the new year 2011. I hope I can, oh yes!

1) Improve GPA for the current semester.

Yeahballs. I'm quite worried about my current GPA actually. I want to go for the attachement thingy, and based on my current gpa, I can say... wait long long. That's why, I will have to really dig it in this time round and work effing hard to push up my grades, just so i can go for the IIP shit and then, graduate at the end of the day. Alhamdulilah, my daily grades so far has been pretty okay. Just need to do a wee bit more and I guess, I'll be alright!

2) Forge a stronger bond between the family.

I realised that there are still a lot to be done to keep the family together. Alhamdulilah, at least I see a bit of improvement from both sides. Got to come up with more ideas to keep the family bonded like how it used to be back then.

3) Make new friends!

And for the new year, I plan to make as many new friends I can as possible, just so I can broaden my circle of friends. It's not wrong of me right, no? So, I'll probably gonna have to be as cheerful as I used to be and start smilling more now!

4) Keep the true ones, throw away the rest.

Which comes to my next point. I realised after that worst episode in my life that happened back in 2010, there are actually two kinds of friends that I have; One that really listens, and the other just curious to know about what's happening. I've even got friends who I thought they would be there for me where I needed them to, but unfortunately Nope. For a start, I'm gonna only care for the friends that have really stick with me throughout the lowest point of my life, and don't ever bother about the other 'friends' that I thought I had. So! If you happen to notice that we seldom keep in touch any longer, chances are, you belong to the latter. :)

5) fuck love for now.

No, i don't need love now. Not looking for it either. I might probably have to eat my own words in the future, maybe maybe not. But one thing;s for sure, I will just let nature takes its course and follow the flow.

6) keep 'awaq' close to my heart.

I won't deny it. she's still number one for me. Let's just see if I will still feel that way by the end of year 2011. Ohwell, I will just continue living my life the way I have been doing then. Gonna start a new countdown over in twitter, counting down the days until I get to hear news of her. So, tada! it's day 2 today, for the fact that something did happen yesterday, so yerp. Though we have ushered in the new year, I will still keep her close in my heart, smile and get on with life. So sorry fuckers, you thought I would back down and give up eventually, didnt you? hah.

And oh, kamu? if you happen to be reading all this, please know that this is the reason why I reserved my 'i miss you, too', 'i love you, too' and whatevernots to only this girl right there. I'm truly sorry for the times you said,'i miss you, guyfriend' and all those sweet nothings, I would just laugh and shrug it off. I don't go around saying all these to each and every friends of mine, even if you do. Because to me, it's like something precious. It takes someone really special to hear all those mushy mushy stuff coming out from me. And I hope you will understand alright. NOpe, Im not looking to be in another relationship, yet. please refer back to point 3 okay. Im sorry, syai maseh sayang dier.

7) No more Mr nice guy.

For a change, i'll no longer be the syai who bows down to everyone's needs. I'll be nice to you if you are. Others, wont matter anymore to me. and if anyone of you still choose to be a coward and tag me hurtful stuff again, I'll be more than happy to entertain your crap.

Simply said, choose to be anononymous, formspring please. Tagboard, at least have the balls to put your name down. cowards.

8) passion, will always be.

Truth be told,I have already decided to call it quits about continuing in this dikir scene altogether. Going for trainings and competitions has really been torturing, mentally and emotionally. But tok had to text me and brought up about the 'don't leave your brothers by themselves up there on stage.' and the 'your team still needs you.' shits that made me play for the previous competition. Precisely why my so called 'brothers' called me crap, merepek, 'jadi jantan jangan kelepeh!' and whatnots. Yes, i still love dikir barat, but whatever that has happened made me somewhat lose that enthusiasm in me. And I just don't know what im supposed to do now that i can't run away from the problems i'm facing. I will probably just carry on with the trips down to bedok and future competitions, but I dont think I will commit for this one particular competition, if ever there will be, in this upcoming months to come. So, we will see. I intend to coninue with this passion of mine at least, until NS. I will think about what comes next later. But for now, Im still in chuchus.

9) My blog, my say.

Enough has been said. whatever that my bro,ikhlas have advised me does make sense after all. We don't live to please others. Haters makes me famous anyway. So, yeah. I will no longer think twice before writing my feelings down. I write whatever fuck that i want in here, from now onwards. Think it's too emo for you? get the fuck out of here please. Thank you, NOT!

Basically, that's about it.

And before I go off, I would like to say for the last time that I, as always, have already forgiven those cowards that posted on my tagboard. No worries, I wont take offence to it alright. But yeah, I hope you guys too, would forgive this mat right here for these middle fingers. I don't have enough for the whole lot of you. Sorry!

Until the next post then friends. thanks to those who still views my blog eventhough I have been away for so long. I know who you are! Let's just see how the next 12 months of 2011 would be for syai then. It is going to be full of surprises, I swear. Woop woop! =)

" syai was doing quite okay actually for those times I've been away. 7th of january, when I was just this close to finally say I'm completely over you, we had to meet face to face on that fucking 168. You, from RP open house and me, going for my fucking training. Impossible that you didnt notice me, cause I knew you were just sitting right behind me. And the reason why I had to fucking control my tears was because all the way throughout the journey, not even once did you look at me nor speak to me. We were that close to each other, yet you didnt. why? It's sad to see that you're treating syai no different than a complete stranger in that bus. While I was there seating covering up my fucked up face just so you would not see those fucking tears. but im cool with it. Seriously. cause at least syai feels that you have really moved on in life, and for once syai was able to see you in person. For once syai was able to hear your voice from behind. And that laughter of yours that syai freaking miss. it could have been our 8th today, takper lah, dah takde jodoh. Awaq, esok O-level result kan. All the best iyer. Jaga diri. "

phew. I miss blogging.
Time for facebook now!

[and I'm done]

for the last time.

2010-12-09T00:00:00.001+08:00

For the last time...

For the last time...

“I have always believed that when you love someone, you should love them forever. but i was wrong. nothing can last forever. & thats what you’ve taught me. You’ve taught me that feelings go away. Promises can be broken. & love isnt for everyone. When i met you, i thought that all of my past experiences would go away. But in the end, you brought them back & added more hurt to them. ive always thought that there is going to be that one girl who would prove to me that not all girls are the same. Well, I thought u were, but it didnt out to be. I so wanted to let you in on my secrets, but you became one of them instead. Love is a precious thing. & thats why its so hard to find. thats why its hard to find someone who can really understand love. when you’ve been hurt, you shut the doors to your heart & stop any form of care & love to go in. now, you’ve brought me every type of hurt imaginable. Maybe, just maybe we're both too young and we don't know what's real, but I know I've never wanted anything so bad. I have never wanted anyone so bad. I wish I had the guts to walk away & forget about what we had, but I can't because I know you won't come after me & that's what hurts the most. im just going to live my life as if i dont care. But i just want you to let you know that even though you have broken my heart. i still love you. "

For the last time...

I wish you could so badly see. I wish you could see the shit I went through for the past months and the emotions, the torments that I went through. The tears I cried, the nights I ruined for myself just knowing you were out with another guy. I have been badly bruised, been stepped on over and over again. I have been embarrassed by my own circle of ‘friends’, ‘strangers’, ‘anonymous people’, to be called a weakling, to see all of them give up on me. I'm not mad, I'm really not. I just wish you could know how much I cared. What all I would have done for you. What all I fucking still would do. I stay up late when I'm sad. I read quotes that remind me of you, listen to songs that fit our situation, scroll through my phone and see I'm all alone, all while tears are pouring down my face. Why do I do it? I could be sleeping and forgetting everything for eight whole hours, at least, but I don't. Why do i still choose to do it?

All because I wanted 'them' to know just how pure my love is for you. Even when you have been saying ‘ I love you’s ‘ to someone else all these while. That, this kind of love, is totally different than the ones 'they' have ever felt for their entire life.

But tonight,
I will let go of that hope for your return in my life.

I am physically and mentally exhausted of all this. I've come to a point where these feelings is just too much for me to handle. I want to be free of your hold but I just wish you could have known all that I have went through, just for you. And no matter what, no matter how hard it's going to be, no matter how long it takes... I will want to be happy again. I will smile, I will laugh, but I’m tired of crying. I refuse to continue crying for you anymore. I will not let you get to me any longer. I will not allow myself to feel this way anymore, I refuse to let you hurt me any further. I know you’ve moved on. And you have been giving me that idea that you want me to move on and forget the past relationship that we have shared. And I thought you should know, it hurts that I know I have to, but I can’t. But tonight, my hands are up; I give in. I will.

To you.
I apologise for all these write-ups about your girlfriend. I’m sorry for missing your girlfriend every single night. I’m sorry that I’d even have that hope that she will come back to me one day. Aku tahu aku tak sepatutnye ada perasaan ni rindu terhadap dier, pasal aku tahu dier milik kau sekarang. I come to realise that I’m not doing any one of us here any good to be stuck in the past. I don’t know if I have ever been the cause of problems between the two of you, I don’t really know. But if there was, I’m truly sorry. And I apologise once again, because even though I will move on now, but that does not mean I’ll stop loving her overnight. These things takes time, I hope you would understand but I promise you, I will try my fucking best. Lastly, I know I am in no position to tell you what to do. But I’m begging you, on account that we are in the same seni, which make it impossible for the three of us to avoid each other during future competitions, please take really really good care of her.

And please... love her just as much as I have did, okay bro.

To awaq.
syai mintak maaf yer untuk segala-gala nye. Syai mintak maaf kerana syai tak ikut kehendak awak dari dulu. Awaq nak saye stop tulis pasal awaq, Awaq nak tengok saya macam dulu dulu tu, Awaq nak saye lupekan diri awaq, untuk kembali senyum. Mungkin, ni lah kesudahannye antara kiter. Syai mintak maaf kay, for the times syai made you sad, made you cry for my own insecurities back then. Syai nak awaq tahu jer, selame syai dengan awaq mase dulu dulu tuh, syai jujur dah ikhlas menyayangi awaq. syai berterime kaseh lah sangat sangat, kerana awaq sudi bagi syai peluang, untuk merasa ertinya cinta, dan untuk dicinta kembali. Hari ni, syai dah tak sayang awaq lagi, tapi itu tak bermaksud syai akan lupe diri awaq hari ini jugaq. Syai tetap akan kesah untuk awaq dari jauh, dan biler syai rindukan awaq, syai selalu dengar lagu yang awaq tengah dengar nih sekarang, sampai biler biler pun. Inilah satu satu, caranya untuk syai berpegang pada janji syai dengan Allah. Pasal syai akur, cinta tak mesti memiliki.. Awaq tetap number 1 untuk syai, sampailah harinya syai dah bertemu dengan pengganti awaq dalam hidup syai ini.

Akhir kata dari syai, jaga diri baik baik tao. Nanti dah dapat tahu Olevel result, syai harap awaq dapat lah masuk poly luh yer. Ingat, awaq dah janji... kata nak buat mummy awaq proud kan. Syai akan tetap doa dan mintak dariNya, untuk kebahgian awaq, disamping orang orang yang awaq sayang. Okaylah, sampaikan salam syai pada mummy, abah, shasha okay. Bilang bibik, syai ucapkan terime kaseh untuk dulu dulu tu yer.

Jumpe awaq di comp comp yang akan datang.

For the last time...

Here’s to the 15th of december.
Finally plucked up enough courage to say hie to you over in facebook exactly 8 months ago.

And here’s to the 23rd of december,
our love story that ends exactly 3 months ago.

And here's to the 9th of december, which is today.
What could have been a happy 7th together.

=)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gonna take one step back from reality, and just watch the world go by. Going to give myself enough time to fix this heart. Pray hard for me okay everyone. For now I will take a break from blogging and possibly from the facebook world too.

I'll be back in another 1 month time.
And I promise the day that I'm back,
I will come back, happy.
InsyaAllah

Happy advance new year friends. may 2011 be a better one for all of us.

Awaq?
for the last time...
I love you.
=’)

[ goodbye for now ]

cinta tak bersyarat.

2010-12-08T21:00:00.008+08:00

Let's sing along, shall we?
=)

Tak ada sedikit pun sesal ku
T'lah bertahan dengan setiaku
Walau di akhir jalan
Ku harus melepaskan dirimu..

Ternyata tak mampu kau melihat
Dalam nya cinta ku yang hebat
Hingga ada alasan bagi mu tuk tinggalkan setia mu...

chorus:

Demi nama cinta
Telah ku persembahkan hatiku hanya untukmu
Telah ku jaga kejujuran dalam setiap nafasku...

Kerna demi cinta
Telah ku relakan kecewa ku atas ingkarmu..
Sebab ku mengerti
Cinta itu tak mesti memiliki...

Andai saja bisa kau fahami
Layaknya erti kasih sejati
Kerna cinta yang sungguh
tiada akan pernah mungkin bersyarat..

(repeat chorus)

Ternyata tak mampu kau melihat
dalamnya cintaku yang hebat...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The song that keeps me going strong, every single day.
The song that keeps me company whenever I miss that someone special.
Because I don't just read the lyrics, I understand the true meaning of it.

"Kerna demi cinta
Telah ku relakan kecewa ku atas ingkarmu..
Sebab ku mengerti
Cinta itu tak mesti memiliki..."
=')

will be back again tonight for another post. hopefully, the last.
Amin.

3 more hours to go.

[ and I'm done ]

aku...

2010-12-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

Found this article somewhere in the Net, so I thought of sharing this great stuff on my own blog, though its in malay. Feel free to read, and copy and paste in your own spaces if you want to alright. No harm spreading joy around.

Here's to the kids in love:

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... bertindak lebih seperti saudara, daripada seperti seorang kekasih."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... sering melakukan hal-hal yang sengal, seperti menelefon kamu 100 kali dalam masa sehari. Atau mengejutkan kamu di tengah malam dengan mengirim SMS. Sebenarnya ketika saat itu, dia sedang memikirkan kamu."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... kadang-kadang merindukan kamu dan melakukan hal-hal yang membuat kamu pening kepala. Namun, ketika kamu mengatakan tindakannya itu membuat kamu terganggu, dia akan minta maaf dan tak akan melakukannya lagi. Jika kamu memintanya untuk mengajarimu sesuatu, maka ia akan mengajarimu dengan sabar walaupun kamu mungkin orang yang terbodoh di dalam dunia ini. Bahkan dia begitu gembira kerana dapat membantu kamu. Dia tidak akan pernah mengelak dari menunaikan permintaan kamu walaupun sesukar mana permintaan kamu tuh."

"Kalau kamu melihat handphone nya... nama kamu akan menghiasi sebahagian besar INBOXnya. Dia masih menyimpan SMS-SMS dari kamu walaupun ia kamu kirim berbulan-bulan atau bertahun-tahun yang lalu. Dia juga menyimpan surat-surat kamu di tempat khas dan segala pemberian kamu menjadi benda-benda berharga buatnya."

"Dan jika kamu cuba menjauhkan diri daripadanya atau memberi reaksi menolaknya... dia akan menyedarinya dan menghilang dari kehidupan kamu, walaupun hal itu membunuh hatinya. Jika suatu saat kamu merindukannya dan ingin memberinya kesempatan, dia akan ada menunggu kamu, kerana sebenarnya dia tak pernah mencari orang lain. Dia akan sentiasa setia menunggu kamu."

"Orang yang begitu menyayangi kamu... tidak pernah memaksa kamu memberinya sebab dan alasan, walaupun hatinya meronta ingin mengetahui, kerana dia tidak mahu kamu terbeban dengan karenahnya. Saat kamu pinta dia berlalu, dia pergi tanpa menyalahkan kamu, kerana dia benar-benar mengerti apa itu cinta."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu mengingati setiap kata-kata yang kamu ungkapkan, bahkan mungkin kata-kata yang kamu sendiri lupa pernah mengungkapkannya. Kerana dia menyematkan kata-kata kamu di hatinya, berapa banyak kata-kata penuh harapan yang kau tuturkan padanya, dan akhirnya kau musnahkan? Mungkin kamu lupa, tetapi bukan orang yang menyayangi kamu."

"Kalau kali terakhir bertemu kamu mungkin sedang selesema, ataupun batuk-batuk... dia akan sentiasa mengirim SMS atau menelefon untuk bertanya keadaan kamu, kerana dia bimbangkan tentang kamu, peduli tentang kamu. Jika kamu mengatakan akan menghadapi ujian, dia akan menanyakan bila ujian itu berlangsung, dan saat harinya tiba dia akan mengirimkan SMS 'good luck' untuk memberi semangat kepada kamu."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan memberikan suatu barang miliknya yang mungkin pada kamu hanyalah sesuatu yang biasa, tetapi baginya barang itu sangat istimewa."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan terdiam sesaat ketika sedang bercakap di telefon dengan kamu, sehingga kamu menjadi bingung. Sebenarnya, saat itu dia merasa sangat gugup kerana kamu telah menggegarkan dunianya."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu ingin berada di sisi kamu dan ingin menghabiskan hari-harinya hanya dengan kamu. Jika suatu saat kamu harus pindah ke daerah lain, dia akan sentiasa memberikan nasihat agar kamu waspada dengan persekitaran yang boleh membawa pengaruh buruk kepada kamu. Sebenarnya, disebalik hatinya, dia benar-benar takut kehilangan kamu."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... tidak pernah mampu memberikan alasan kenapa dia menyanyangi kamu. Yang dia tahu di hati dan matanya hanya ada kamu satu-satunya. Walaupun kamu sudah memiliki teman istimewa atau kekasih, dia tidak perduli. Baginya yang penting kamu bahagia walaupun dia sungguh terluka."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... menerima kamu dengan seaadanya. Di hati dan matanya, kamu selalu yang tercantik walaupun mungkin kamu merasa berat badan kamu sudah bertambah."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... selalu ingin tahu tentang apa saja yang kamu lalui sepanjang hari ini, selalu ingin tahu khabar kamu, walaupun seandainya tidak lagi bersama."

"Orang yang menyayangi kamu... akan mengirimkan SMS seperti 'selamat pagi', 'selamat tidur', 'take care', dan lain-lain lagi walaupun kamu tidak membalas SMS nya. Kerana dengan kiriman itu lah dia menyatakan cintanya, menyatakan dalam cara yang berbeda, bukan "aku sayang kamu", tetapi berselindung ayat selain kata cinta itu."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

congrats siti and ahmud,
16th months and still going on.

[ and I'm done ]

A million feelings, a thousand thoughts, hundreds of memories, all for one person.

2010-12-06T23:18:00.009+08:00

Why is that just when you get things together,
you hear from that one person who could pull it all apart?

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want to see, what to hear, what to feel. Sometimes I can be saying one thing, but totally mean the other. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's pretty hard enough just to be me.

I was so used to you calling me, because every night we used to talk. And now I still wait by the phone until I fall asleep. I guess.. I could call and ask you, "How are you?" But I really don't have much to say. I won't even know where to begin with in the first place. I sit all alone and stare at the phone and I hope that you're doing okay. I want so badly to tell you how I feel, but I'm scared that even after I pour out all my feelings for you, you're just gonna stare at me like the words don't mean a thing, to you. It's not even you that I really want back, it's the pieces of me you took with you when you left because when I lost you, I had no idea I would lose me too.

This is me now. And i want you to know that i am both happy and sad. And I'm still trying to figure out how that could even be possible.

So, what? You mean, we'll only talk when it's convenient for you? That you'll only think of me when you have practically nothing else to do? What about the times I lay on my bed, clutching my tear-stained pillow over my throbbing mouth, trying to contain a scream that's releasing all these exploding nerve endings? What? You're telling me that you're too busy with that someone new to bother texting, to bother about me?

At this point, I don't give a shit. But I know in a few hours or even within a few minutes or so, all of my feelings will collide and I'll just be lying to myself. I wished I knew how to let go, move on, and be happy. But there's always this little shred of "Well, maybe she'll want me tomorrow."

You know what I mean.

“It's alright to lose your pride over something you love, but never lose something you love over your pride.”

"b0o! buat aper tu?"
"syai buat aper? syai tengah rindukan insan yang syai sayangkan sangat sangat."

sayang sekali,
awaq takkan sesekali pun memahami ertinya kerinduan itu.

[ and I'm done ]

book in?

2010-12-05T20:54:00.007+08:00

Met up with this sec school bro of mine here.
Glad that we could catch up with each other, though it was only for a while.
And he's actually quite surprised that I am still the same.
Sebelum masuk NS, lepas masuk NS pun samer jugak.
Hahaha.

And yeah,
I wished I too, could be serving the nation now.
instead of having to go to school.
It's like most of the boys my age, and even those younger than me,
are already halfway serving their 'term'.

But I'm still stuck here,
doing more and more RJs every single day and the PBL shit.

Tu lah, dulu taqnaq blajar kan.
kan sekarang kene tanggung.
Takpelah, pelan pelan kayuh yer syai.

[ and I'm done ]

Let it out.

2010-12-04T23:59:00.006+08:00

* breathes in .... *

Sometimes, I don't know why the hell I still ask around. Troubling people to ask how you have been doing. I know that this is not the way to go, because it'll just lead me back to you. But I just can't help it. That's like.. the only way I can know how you are doing, and wherever you are. And every single time I'd ask, the reply wasn't what I'd been hoping all along. Tapi takpe, syai tetap maintain.

Today wasn't any special. The only difference was that, syai missed you more than any other days. It got so bad that I could not even sit still in my fucking own room. pergy hall, pergy dapur, masuk toilet, keluar toilet, masuk bilik on laptop, refresh FB page berkali kali, lay down on my bed, got up, check msn to see if there's anyone for me to chat with. Over and over and over again. bingit sendiri kau tahu tak!

If only I could have been the one to be in your position. I wish I was the one to be happily with someone new right now, having the best time in the world enjoying my fucking youth. If only we exchanged places, even if it is only for a day, then probably you would understand, how fucking tiring it is.

And guess what?! even after all these rants, even when syai is overwhelmed with these anger and hatred deep within, I am still unable to hate you. I may hate you tonight, but I'll forget them when I wake up from my sleep later. It has always been like this. Tah, aku pun tak tahu kenape. I know that one day, just one day, I'd say enough is enough, and I will give up totally. Like what they all have said, let time heals everything. Yeah, cliche much. I will let time heal everything. And until that day comes, for now I'll just hold on for as long as I can.

Sebelum awaq nak start benci syai pulaq gara gara post ni, pikir dahulu jawapan nye pada soalan yang awak maseh tertanye tanye, kenape syai maseh macam gini. Daripada ditanye, "kenape susah nah syai nak move on?" kenape tidaq tanye pade diri sendiri, "kenape sayang sangat syai ni kat aku?" Mungkin ni balasan syai atas kesilapan dahulu. Syai terima balasan ni. Mintak maaf kalau awaq naik geli, naik muak tengok post post syai ni. Mungkin jugak awaq dah tak lagy singgah kat sini. Tapi ingat, macam mana syai tak boleh pakse untuk awaq kembali seperti dahulu, macam gitulah jugaq awaq tak boleh pakse saye tentang soal hati nih.

Satu hari, Tuhan akan bukak mata awaq besar besar.
Amin.

I apologise for the expletives words used. No offence, just needed to vent my frustrations out. Take care y'all.

[ and I'm done ]

that special. oh yes.

2010-12-03T23:59:00.002+08:00

Quick one for today. I'm so dead tired right now and my RJ is still yet to be completed. Just got home from Bedok for my dikir training. And i seriously regret coming down. To think I went straight after school, where I could have just gone home to change and put my bag and stuff first. In the end, only a few people came down, jam some dikir songs and basically that's all. The best part is, the Kelantan song that we jam to, really tak perlu sia! I was going like... oh my, please! not this song! Wanna know the lyrics to it?

" Biarlah aku tanggung derita seorang..
Pada dirimu tetap ku sayang..
Masa berlalu seribu kenangan..
Penawar rindu si dara pujaan.. "

I know right.
sigh.

Friends, go out today please? I don't wanna stay home and waste my weekends. And oh, anonymous person, don't you worry because I'd already forgive you for your words. You gave me that extra needed strength to keep holding on for what I think is right. thank you so much.

and awaq,
I really hope your doing okay wherever you are. Syai tak tawu khabarnye. Syai tady pergi bedok, syai sedih. Just thought you should know, syai maseh.. aah, never mind. Take care yer wherever you are.

Gonna start with my RJ now. what a life.
Take care all.

[ and I'm done ]

harga diriku

2010-12-02T23:15:00.004+08:00

Syai rindu awaq.
='(

[ and I'm done ]

the heart speaks...

2010-12-01T22:00:00.011+08:00

" Syai! Cheer up alright! "

" Hey syai! Why your blog now all so emo emo one ah? "

And all that I could muster was to smile at these two classmates of mine from the previous semesters. Wow. There are friends who actually read my blog eh? I knew that my close friends do read my space; Siti, bea, just to name a few. But those words came from friends, who I’d least expect to visit my blog mainly because we seldom keep in touch. Which got me thinking actually; So who actually does visit my blog other than those which I know of? I really wonder...

And I’m being really open right now. This space of mine here is the only option that I have to jot down my true feelings. Emo emo post? Maybe you guys see it that way, which I don’t really blame you guys because... you’re just not me. I just need you guys to know that every single post here is just an expressive thought of how my day has gone and how actually I’ve been all these while. It feels like... it is only through this space of mine here where I can truly be myself and just let everything go. Be it whether I’m sad, be it I’m happy, or angry. This is the space where I let you all in into the syai that I am now. That’s the reason why I’m restricting myself to twitter and my blog, and not in FB. Because I know I may just create unwanted attention or worst, ‘irritate’ some people, or should I say, a person, with all those what you call them, ‘emo shoutouts?’ which would defineitely appear in the live feeds. I am pretty much covering up my own butt here; because like what I’ve been saying time and time again, you can choose not to visit my blog if anyone of you here is ‘affected’ by it, which I don’t know why or how that is even possible. =)

And I’ll say it again; these ‘emo emo’ posts that I’d wrote, those quotes and pictures, every single one of them... is for that one girl whom I’d loved so much. It’s not appropriate for me to name this girl, because of the fact that she has apparently found my replacement, and I’m still here wishing how things could have turned out differently between us. Just know that this girl had existed in my life, before. I’m happy for her that she’s able to move on with someone new now. But at the same time, I hope you guys too will realise how painful it is for me to be typing that sentence down, when I’m still very much ________? yeah, that's it.

Contradicting much? I’m sorry.

You know, sometimes I really wonder why is it that, I have to really consider what people might think or say before every time I’ll post anything. It’s like... I’m always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone to let them know exactly what is in my head, and to keep it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so just pushes people away, no matter if they’re always there to listen, there is only so much my friends, my best friends, can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison myself from the inside out. It is to ignore who I am and losing myself. And I just do not know know which would be better? To have friends thinking that I’m melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic... or to just drown myself in my own mind. And yup, to think back, it’s really funny why people are able to say that ‘syai so emo’ now with all these posts, but when other human beings out there does the same thing, they will not have the same reaction to it. There are thousands or even millions human beings out there, right now at this minute who is undergoing the same shit, just like I am. But they are entitled to their freedom of expression on their own spaces, but I don’t. No, I’m not asking for sympathy dear friends, all I ask from whomever you are which might still be reading this, is to read if you want, and then just leave it as it is.

As much as I hate to admit this, but it got me affected when people get the wrong idea, when the only thing that I did was to completely honest. I can only admit it to myself; it’d still hurt. They all said I would feel better in time, that the pain will fade and that I will get over it. But the thing is I have not moved on. I have not forgotten a thing; every single memory, every conversation, every phone call, every hug, every single little thing that I could recall so clearly in my mind. Every single time I tried to let it go, try to forget all the things that once were, my mind let me down. I could not forget any part of that old life. Because it was then that I was happy. And now that she’s gone, of course I’m so undoubtedly miserable that I held on to every single thing. My happiness, her, everything. It sucks knowing that I tried so hard, that I know that I need to let go, but I just can’t. Because I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen.

I am just another human being here. I feel and think the same way as you guys. I have my own flaws too, my imperfections. I laugh, I smile, and I cry just like anyone of you. It’s just that I can’t make myself feeling truly happy with these feelings inside me. I’m really exhausted trying to pretend being okay, when I’m actually not. And to think I could still have that strength within me to hide it in front of all my friends in campus.

Just like you guys, I’m as clueless as to how long syai will be this way. Maybe, I will continue to hold on for as long as I can. Regardless of everything that has been going around, all those comments I’ve read, those hurtful words I have heard from people out there, I’d still hold on to those promises that I’d made to the One Above, for as long as I can.

' Kerna sekali cinta, ku tetap cinta. '

And I just got to know about this actually.
click here if you wish.
Thank you so much kawan.

Yearp thats basically about it.
Phew. (=

[ and I'm done ]

not hopeful, just thankful.

2010-11-29T23:35:00.001+08:00

So what can I say? I have got to be the happiest guy alive today. Because it finally happened. Though it lasted only for a few moment, I am satisfied with it. Maybe it was purely out of boredom, maybe it was because of other reasons. I do not not know. But knowing that I had actually came across someone's mind, it's more than what I can ask for. Syukur banget deh! Okay, I must not be too happy now, I know that. Because this does not show anything. Yes, I realised it, so not too worry. Just being grateful that it happened, so please allow me to savour this moment while it lasted.

And like I said, today may not prove anything,
esok luse.. siaper yang tahu?
had to go through a lot, today finally arrived.
so when's the next?
syai tetap tunggu.

Allah, thank you so much.
And thanks, you.

I so love today.

[ and I'm done ]

Let's get crazy.

2010-11-28T22:56:00.005+08:00

Happy 20th Saffy!
8 year friendship, still going strong..
All the best for your future endeavour buddy.

Thank you so much for the time,
both of you.

[ and I'm done ]

What's worth living.

2010-11-28T19:04:00.008+08:00

"Here's the thing. I thought she was going to be my other half. She was everything that I'm not. Without her, I'm not whole. That's why I can't understand how complete I thought I was, before she entered my life. Now that she has, I can't go back to just being me because now I know how it feels like to be whole. But hey, it's okay. I'll just continue living my life like how I've been doing. Because remember this; Sometimes we have to be apart from the people that we love. But that does not mean you'd would love them any less. Because the truth is, it'll just make you love them even more."

And thank you blogger,
for always being there with me when I have nothing else to do.

[ and I'm done ]

im sorry.

2010-11-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

dad, i know you will not be reading this, but im sorry for being rude to you.

dad, im sorry for staring at you straight in your eye. Back then when i was younger, I dont even dare to look at you while you were disciplining me. But that was then. I'm a grown up now. And I just don't like it when you come shouting at me. It's just me dad. I can't stand it when anyone shouts at me in my face. Because, I'll get angry, really angry. I have never intended to grow up to be a rebellious kid, and I don't see myself as one. I have, and will always respect you dad.

dad, please know that it hurts me just as much, when I'd hurt you with my words. I swear I didn't mean a single word that I've said. I realised that I've gone too far, I'm sorry. those words; they were spoken at the heat of the moment kind of thing. At that point of time, I was seriously angry because you didnt know what was going on and you just came in and started scolding me. A small incident, escalating into something bigger and explosive. As I stormed out of the house, and I walked out in the rain dad, I thought back and I seriously regretted my actions. If only I kept my mouth shut and listen, these could have been avoided.

Eveything seems to happen all so quickly.Dad, there are so many things that I wished I could tell you, every single stuff that's been occupying my head every single day. I wished, I could tell you that your son here, is not okay and is actually broken inside. That your son is having a problem in trying to get back up and move on in life. That he, for the first time, had fallen so hard for a girl who has now left him. He wished he could just, break down infront of you so you can put an arm around him, tell him how to face it like a man. But, how was I supposed to tell you all this? It'll be so damn awkward, you see. With all these shits that I'm going through, with the problems back home, and my failing academic results, and the fact that it's getting worst day by day, I just do not know how much longer I can take all this.

And im proud to have you as a father, because no matter what's happening in the family right now, you still are fighting strong, to keep the family together. And it hurts me knowing that I had just just worsen the situation. No dad, I do not want that day to come where I will have to choose between living with mum, or you. Nope, I don't want that to happen. I'd still pray that everything will be just fine, and we will be just like how it used to be dad.

Dad, I am really scared that I can't grow up to be the kind of man you want me to be. Your expectations of me are putting a great big deal of pressure on me. I'm trying to change, I swear dad. I just don't want to dissapoint you again, like how I did when I had to end up in ITE after my 'O's. You didn't say it out loud, but I knew you were, dad. You just didn't want to show it. And please remember this, I will never, ever abandon you nor mama, when I'm into the working world. Even if I don't turn out to be as successful as you want me to be, I will never ever leave my parents just like that. You can bet on this, dad.

And to my lil sis. You will be reading this, I know. Im sorry I hurt you. Abang was just angry at you. You should jolly well know after all these years how short-tempered your brother here can be at times. and sometimes, I don't realise that I might be hurting you emotionally. And I sincerely apologise for that. The reason why I'm strict with you is because I just do not want you to end up, dissapointing dad, like how I did. In the future, if I failed to become what our dad wants me to be,at least Iknow I can count on you to make dad proud. Although you can sometimes pissed me off and make me angry, I do have that brotherly care and concern for you. And don't worry, like what dad says, I will always look out for you. let's face it, we only have each other to depend on. And you can bet on this.

Dad, I know today wasn't the first nor I can promise it'll be the last time I quarrel with you. Please do know that I cry every single time after we quarelled. And today wasn't any different either. The looks in your eyes today, I knew you were holding back those tears. Wow, I cannot believe that I went until to that extent. You're known to be a really strict father, everybody knows that. And for me to make you as close to tearing, It must have really hurt you.

Dad, I know you will not be reading all this. But I am seriously ashamed of my own actions. I am not going to come up to you, mainly because it'll be so awkward. I'm really sorry dad.

Please forgive me,
Your son.

[ and I'm done ]

gule gule H.a.c.k.s

2010-11-26T21:51:00.005+08:00

"One of the best feelings in life is rediscovering a song you once used to love. With hearing this song, you instantly feel the same exact emotions you once felt every time you played it. You even kind of get a flashback and see yourself sitting in your room singing along to this on replay for hours, And its only when you start to wonder how you could possibly forget about this song. How you could ever grow apart from something you used to cherish so much."

[ and I'm done ]

rester avec moi à jamais.

2010-11-25T17:46:00.005+08:00

theflightout.tumblr.com ~

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
-it's not love, it's like.

You can`t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
-it's not love, it's lust.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
-it's not love, it's luck.

Do you want them because you know they`re there?
-it's not love, it's loneliness.

Are you there because it`s what everyone wants?
-it's not love, it's loyalty.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
-it's not love, it's low self-esteem.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t want to hurt them?
-it's not love, it's pity.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
-it's not love, it's infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
-it's not love, it's friendship.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
-it's not love, it's a lie.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
-it's not love, it's charity.

Does your heart break when they`re sad?
-then it's love.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they`re strong?
-then it's love.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
-then it's love.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?
-then it's love.

Do you accept their faults because they`re a part of who they are?
-then it's love.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
-then it's love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
-then it's love.

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours. And how now, you can barely even look at them."

[ and I'm done ]

syukran.

2010-11-23T19:07:00.011+08:00

And so the results are finally out.
Taken from Dkulan 2010 blogspot.

Chuchu's tukang juara, abang Fai kiter.. got 3rd place.
Chuchu's karut on standby, Uncle dugong kiter.. are joint 5th
with langgam sukma sari
Chuchu's percussionist and Awok-awok, are in 7th place.
Chuchu's kesenian are in 5th place.
Chuchu's senikata is 2nd best.
Chuchu's got the 'Lagu ciptaan Asli Terbaik' award.

And the best thing's of all,
the difference between the 3rd group and Chuchus
is only 0.7 points.

Overall, I'm satisfied with my team's performance result. Yelah, team aku nih tak sebagus mana, dapat 4th pun, mesti lah happy. Whatever it is, chuchus who are reading this, enjoy memang enjoy. Happy memang happy. Tapi, try even harder for the next competition.

Remember,
'we are somewhere there, but not yet there.'
Stay humble, chuchus.
Especially the juniors.

In the meantime,
Congratulations on your achievements.

the last day of training before the competition itself. have fun viewing. but sorry yer, name jer handphone canggih. Tapi sound quality merepek nak mampos. What to do. Kay dah jangan banyak bunyi, nak tengok tengok, taknak tengok diam diam suah.

Giving myself exactly 2 months until now. 2 months to really get out of this shithole. If I'm still unable to by then, I will have to forgo the next upcoming competition.

dengar dengar Piala Ilham Dipersembah? Woaaaaaaaaah.
Kenangan.

[ and I'm done ]

do you remember?

2010-11-23T00:11:00.004+08:00

'You know what? Yes I Have changed. I’m not as nice as I used to be, because I don’t want to get used or walked over, I don’t trust everyone and tell them my secrets , because behind every fake smile is a backstabbing bitch. I distance myself from people because in the end, they’re only going to leave. I Have changed because I have realized that im the only person I can depend on.'

'I have never understood the reasoning for someone to "move on" from a relationship. It's not like you are really going to "move on", you are just trying to tell your heart to stop thinking about that person every second of every minute of everyday until it finally becomes a routine and you don't notice it anymore. That is, until you see that person again, with someone who isn't you, and then you remind yourself again.'

'If I could give everyone one piece of love advice, it would be... once you find the one you've spent your whole lifetime searching for, don't give them up without a fight. Never let them just walk right out of your life. Whatever you do, don't ever let them go. Hold onto them with all that you've got, because you have no guarantee that they'll be back. So, don't make the mistake I have made. Don't just watch them leave. It could be the last you ever see them. Don't look back on it and regret not saying the words you needed to say, or doing the things you needed to do. Because the feeling of regret will never leave you.'

Its the 23rd again today.
Two months has already passed.

Like seriously?

[ and I'm done ]

what a way to end the night.

2010-11-21T21:24:00.002+08:00

And before I start continue whatever that I have to say for today's post, let it be known first that it'll be the same old thing that I am gonna talk about. So please, if anyone's gonna be affected by it, please please, don't continue reading. Just let me have my own personal space to write whatever that I have in mind right now.

Thank you.

So, DkUlan competition is finally over. For all the hard work that chuchu's has put in, We won 'Lagu Ciptaan Asli Terbaik' and 'Seni Kata Harapan'. Alhamdullilah. Although chuchu tak dapat top 3 placing, tapi dengar2 khabar dari reliable sources somewhere, we got the 4th placing actually. Will update soon about the result as soon as it gets published on dkUlan blogspot, hopefully. Nevertheless, I'm still happy that at least ade jugak lah chuchu bawak balek piala jugak, so happy lah jugak. Syukur Alhamdullilah.

So, yerp. I got selected to be in the top 14 awok-awok. Macam syai cakap, sememang-memangny kalau ikutkan hati, syai taqnaq lah main. Tapi Tok gave me super long text messages and words of encouragement which made me feel somewhat guilty to leave my brothers, just because of this. So, simply said DkUlan Comp is officilly my first competition which I'm involved in, not because I want to, but I had to.

I knew that, as much as I tried my best to avoid her, it was of no use. CC tu pun, bukannye sebesar Vivocity kan, kecik jer. Ramai bebudak dikir pulaq tu. SO it was inevitable to spot her among the crowd, up there on stage, time waiting for results etc. Yes, I saw her. Wow. Haha. Rase pilu ade, rase happy, seronok semacam pun ade. I don't know the exact words for that, but paham paham kan aje lah yer. But since we did not, for the whole day, had that eye-to-eye contact, I was still fine with it. Takpe lah kan, buat buat tak nampak je lah. Susah beb susah, tapi syai cube jugaq.

Backstage, just before chuchu's turn to perform, I kept telling myself to focus for that 12 minutes on stage. To put everything aside, at least for that 12 minutes or so. Haha. But, I failed. The moment I sat at the platform tu, dengan tidaq sengaje nye, mata ni start lah merayau-rayau pulaq. Nak tengok si dier tu ader ker tak. I know i know, a failure I am. But, for that 12 minutes up there on stage, it's amazing how I could not spot her, at all. sedih lah jugak kan. And i have to confess something here; part Wau bulan, I didnt really focus on the singing, I payed more attention on holding back the tears, which I managed. Hmm. Done with the performance, got changed quickly and proceeded on watching the rest of the competition.

Until the announcement of the results, nothing much happened. Nampak jugak lah si dier, ke hulur ke hilir. But I kept myself busy talking to my friends, even had the opportunity to mix around and talk to the other dhiya' girls, Kak Farah, Aan sumer, and some bebudak tanjak. Wow. haha.

Everything was actually going on fine, until the time to go home. Woah. Hahahaha. sumpah betul-betul nye anti-climax to my day. I was actually walking to the busstop, after a debrief with Tok and chuchus at the back of the carpark. Part tengah jalan nak ke busttop tu lah... boleh betembung dengan si dier, dengan si dier. Hahaha. Initially, syai kalau boleh memang nak kebelakang pusing ajer. Adoii. But then I chose not to lah kan. Because of the fact that I know, this will not going to be the first and the last time aniway, nanti future competitions pun, ni mende akan terjadi lagi. Betul? so yearp, syai tawakal je lah, jalan ajer ke arah dorang. Sampai jer kat diorang, hulur lah tangan, nak salam lah katekan. Dier pun jawab balek, hulurkan tangan jugaq. so kire okay lah tu, same same Islam. Made it a brief one though. I didnt even glance to look at her face even though we are just that close to each other. Bukan taqnaq okay, jangan salah paham. cumer, tak boleyy. sedih semacam biler part tu. Jangan cakap nak sebut 'hie' ah, nak senyum pun tak larat. Adoi Adoi. Tapi takpe lah, si dier dah happy dengan pasangan hidupnye, syai pun turut happy jugak lah kan, untuk dier. Hmmm.

And that's basically how my day went today.

And yerp, regarding about all those tagboard thingy that has been going on, I really hope it'll stop, like seriously. Sometimes I just don't understand kenape benci nah orang kat syai nih. Okay, maybe ader lah satu duer yang betul-betul ikhlas nak tengok syai macam dulu, but please. Im actually getting sick and tired of all those 'move on syai', 'be strong syai', or whatever kinds of encouragements that i got. Because why? It's not even working! And to not to leave your name behind, why? please, let me get this straight once and for all. I know myself better than anyone else. This is just me, when it comes to falling in love. As much as it's hard for a girl to really make me go heads over heel over her, its just as hard for me when I get dumped. I will not stop writing whatever shit that I feel like doing so, in my own blog. Everything that I have been writing down, is the truth of how I'm actually doing and all. what do you expect me to change then? write down that I'm actually back to my bubbly self, back to the happy-go-lucky syai that people knows me? Nope, I'll just be lying to myself. And my consciences is clear. You're certainly most welcome to come and visit my blog, but before anyone of you thinks of tagging me hurtful stuffs again, then please, just go away.

that's all for today.
Assalamualaikom.

[ and I'm done ]

tangisan rindu.

2010-11-20T12:59:00.002+08:00

You wanna know what’s really hard?
It’s when you want to express what you feel…
and all you can do is smile.

Definitely will, just one day.

Good luck to all groups playing for tomorrow's Ulan competition.
Have fun korang.

[ and I'm done ]